There has never been love
Like tempered pink glass beneath this skin;
The temptations of romance
Wasted away in an ice land
Where admiration froze over into glimmering shards
That pierced my heart and leaked my frozen blood.
I used to be warmer,
Back when I was younger,
When the heat of youth was stronger
And the days felt longer with no distractions.
But since I burst free of my mother,
Sliced from her damp body like a tumor,
I found it impossible to truly love myself.
Slowly, with age,
As all things do,
I froze faster than I melted
Until my sunshine was gone,
And I was trapped in my pulsing armor
Like a ghost lingering in an abandoned home.
I felt no freedom.
Sincerity held no meaning.
I was an ice sculpture moving through a farm town
Where my skin felt the sun
But the green hills meant nothing.
The change came in winter,
A season when my ice kept me numb
In warm clothing.
I stepped into a white world,
And a fragment of my heart shattered;
It broke away and buried itself in the snow,
Twisting into the pale heat of existence
As it touched the grass dormant beneath.
Since that day,
The structural integrity of my careful identity
Has been cracking and bending
To the will of the woman I never realized
Still breathed and grew inside my soul.
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140,248 Literary Works • 673,068 Reviews
Hi! DragonNoir here for a review!
I must say, you picked quite a deep theme for this poem, which is perfectly fine, but you have to remember to watch what you say, since it's also a common issue across the world. Either way, onto the technical bits:
I haven't seen any real mistakes, but there is one thing I'd like to point out:
"Wasted away in an ice land" I personally would put "icy" or "ice cold" instead of just "ice". It just doesn't seem to sound right for me.
Other than that, I've seen you use caesura once, although I think you could've used enjambment when talking about how the narrator suffers, to just emphasise the seemingly endless list of pain she goes through.
On the more emotional side, I think you've represented this theme very effectively, with a broad use of devices (sorry if I sound too formal lol). I think you could've also included things which other people did in relation to what the narrator says. Like, did their family notice that something was wrong? Or did they completely ignore it?
Overall, I'd say this is a great piece, but you could add some more perspective from other people, not just the narrator.
I hope my review helped!
Thank you for the review! This poem was not meant to represent a theme, but was rather used as an expression of my own personal struggle, as a means of helping myself through the struggle I have experienced throughout my life. I wrote from my heart, without much consideration to literary devices or perspectives. My writing rarely does.
Thank you for bringing your insight to the piece!
This is a very powerful poem. But, before we talk about the emotions in it, let me get the reviewing out of the way...
Your "rhythm" in it is pretty good. There are a couple of spots where the syllables don't match up completely, but for the most part, it's good. The actual rhyming part of it could use a little work possibly. You kinda jump from "a-b-a-b" to "a-a-b-b" to just a jumble of stuff. However, this may be because it is in writing. If this were to be used as a spoken word, I think that the ziggity zaggity rhyming technique would be beautiful if you kept it at the right pace and gave in to the correct emotions at the right time. It just depends on the fact of what your intentions are for it; spoken word, or written.
Okay, now that I'm done with the "all hale professionalism" part, I wanna get a little more low key. I can see that this poem was written with your heart, not your mind, and poems like this are ones that I hold dear. Sometimes it takes a lot to put pain on paper, but you did it, and I give you props. Just remember you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Never forget that. Have a nice day, and I hope this helped.
Thank you for this nice review! Though I don't really do it intentionally, most of the time when I start to write my poems they turn into spoken word, because I'm a theater kid so I grew up always performing things that were written down. I can't help it, it just happens!
That's awesome, and it's also a gift that you don't wanna lose. Keep it up!