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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

A Story - Chapter 1: The Beginning

by animoo33


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

A Story

My name is Rouel Fricato and I have been having dreams. They have been popping up in my head since I can remember. I want to write about them because I want to keep track of them and maybe someday tell the world about them. I’ve always had these in my head. They’re my motivation and sometimes I can’t tell whether they’re my imagination or not. I’ve never put this into words, and I’ve never told anyone about this. If you are reading this then I guess the story is out. Well let me start from the beginning.

Chapter One - The Beginning

The sun had just fallen, and I sat there staring into the darkness of a forest.

"What are you doing?" said a voice

I turned around to spot my dad. He's a 54 year old man with short black hair, dark black eyes and is about 6"4. He was wearing his usual armor, silvery with engravings so detailed you'd think it was done by a legendary blacksmith. He wielded a long and wide blade with a similar engraving on the hilt.

"Just looking at the Forest", I spoke as I grabbed my swords, two shabby looking steel blades I found on a hunting trip with my dad, from the ground and got up to meet him.

"You know you're not supposed to even get close to here Rouel"

"Is taking a look from the outside really that dangerous?", I said with a tone of sarcasm.

"Yes, your mother and I told you that there are monsters in there, ones you wouldn't believe even if you saw them with your own eyes." He said while taking a glance toward the forest then quickly looking back at me. "Now come on, we have a surprise for you".

I followed him back to our village. He was the village protector. Arodine Fricato. Whenever a monster came out of the forest he would be the one to fight and slay them. As his son, he had recently started teaching me how to do his job. He wants me to overtake him one day and become the village protector. I hope I do so maybe I can actually do something with my life instead of being so useless. Maybe even make my dad proud.

"Come on now", my father gestured with his hand to come along home

I followed my dad inside to find not only him but my whole family smiling and welcoming me.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", they all shouted

I stared at them in awe for what feels like an hour before finally saying, "Wow, I didn't think you guys remembered". I couldn't help but smile, it had been so long since this has happened. For the past birthdays, everyone had always been so busy to even celebrate anybody's birthday nevertheless mine.

My mother, a shorter woman with long black hair, black eyes, and pale skin, smiled. She handed me a long box and gave me a hug. "We've been planning this for so long. We were going to do it last year but someone wasn't here to show up". She took a sharp glance at my brother who had recently come back from a demon hunting trip. His name is Surrose and he had short black hair like me with the same eyes as well but paler skin.

I held the box and chuckled, I told my mom, "It's okay, you didn't even have to do this for me in the first place"

She gave me a look and sighed, "How could we not, you're going to be the new village protector so why should we not celebrate".

I gave her a questioning look and said, "Is that why you're celebrating my birthday, because I'm planning to become the village protector".

"Yes of course", she said, as if it was an obvious answer

"Mom, that's not going to happen for years, I mean dad just started training me last year".

"Oh who cares, besides if we're going to celebrate, we might as well do it now seeing as how soon we won't be able to". She said while smirking

"What do you mean?", I asked...

Her expression shifted and she glanced back and forth between my dad and my brother. "No one told him?"

"Told me what?"

My dad sighed deeply and the room became silent for a bit before he looked me in the eyes. "Rouel, I'm leaving the village for a while".

My hands trembled and my breathing became heavy, "Wait, you're leaving, WHY?"

He stared at me with concern in his eyes. "A letter came the other day, I have been asked to become a knight of the empire, I leave tomorrow".

"He says "asked" but he really means forced", said my brother

I took a glance at him. He was staring at the ground while tapping his boots.

I turned back to my dad and asked, "What does he mean by forced", with a frustrated tone.

He looked down unable to answer

"I "mean" that the empire is threatening to destroy the village unless he becomes a knight so he can fight for the empire", my brother spoke

I couldn't believe it. I clutched the box my mother had given me so hard that the edges dug into my skin. I dropped my swords but still clung to the box and bolted to my room, my footsteps echoed on the floor. When I got there I locked the door.

WHY

I had so many questions, but I couldn't make out any. All I could think was WHY.

WHY now?

WHY not until I finished my training?

WHY did this have to happen?

WHY the empire?

WHY my father?

Footsteps echoed in the hallway outside my door. Seconds later a knock. "Hey listen kid", spoke my dad. "It's alright if you're mad, but you need to know that I think you'll be a great protector. You'll save a lot of lives and you don't need me for that".

He was wrong, I wasn't mad, I may be frustrated but I wasn't mad.

I sobbed

I was sad that he was leaving. My dad had taught me almost everything there is to surviving and protecting others. He taught me to be kind. He taught me to be brave. And he taught me to be strong. But he was leaving now, and I can't do anything to stop him.

If only the empire didn't send that letter. If only we lived in a better world. If only I could handle these waves of emotions.

A nonstop waterfall of tears streamed down my face.

"Hey, goodnight kid, and make sure to open that present alright".

He walked away while I listened to his footsteps go off into the hallway.

I sat there for what felt like hours before I decided to stand up and open the box. I lifted it up onto my desk and took off the cover. Inside revealed two long silvery swords that were curved. Next to them lay the sheaths as well. On both of the hilts were engravings. The same as my dad's sword. I put the cover back on and layed down on my bed. The tears slowly faded as my eyes shut closed and I fell asleep.


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User avatar
29 Reviews


Points: 148
Reviews: 29

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Sun Apr 26, 2020 2:11 am
AngelLily wrote a review...



Hi! It’s AngelLily here with a review!
Happy review day! I hope you’re doing well. So, I really liked your beginning and I think this is a great start for your first chapter. It really sets up the conflict I guess, and what the character is going through.

I like your dialog between your characters. It has lovely flow and the structure of your story is just awesome.

I did notice that you did not indent. I have noticed that a lot of people on here don’t indent, so don’t stress about it, but it would make your story more correct if you did. You really expressed the main character’s feeling well, and it helped me see from their perspective. I love the style of your writing, and if you’re saying that you don’t have a style, you most definitely do. I really liked this story, and am looking forward to reading more chapters.

As for grammar mistakes, I didn’t really see any. Good job! This story has great potential.

Have a great day and Keep Writing!
~AngelLily 😇




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30 Reviews


Points: 383
Reviews: 30

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Wed Apr 22, 2020 3:24 am
ShallowHouse wrote a review...



Hi, animoo!

I just want to start off by saying that I like your beginning. You've got me pulled- it feels like the moment where Bilbo left everything for Frodo to keep as he left to see the elves: one rambunctious party before the departure! I like how Rouel uses two swords; I rarely ever see characters dual-wielding swords so it feels fresh for me.

However, I must say that your pacing was kind of off. It's a bit too fast for me to put on some shoes and visualize your story. It's a new world for me and I want to take it all in! Describe your village a bit more, describe Arodine and his family more- not in appearance, but in their body language. I had a problem when my attention was focused on Arodine: who is he? I know he loves his family, he even made time to attend Rouel's birthday party. However, who is he besides that? I hoped to know more about the father as much as Rouel.

You don't need to always say "He said", "she screamed", "they shouted" all the time. You can use names to call on a person. I have to be honest, I kept going back to the part where Rouel tells the brother's name because I kept forgetting it. Even now I scrolled up to see one instance of Surrose's name being mentioned and just by looking it up I got pulled out of the story. It's fine to use pronouns but too much pronouns can confuse the reader. You can use common nouns too like "My brother", "my father".

So far, that's what I've seen. I would love to see more of your world and the story of Rouel. Keep up the good work and keep improving!

Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse





“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly