It would be better if I wasn't sleep,
it would be better if my eyes weren't close.
In this good dream,
When I want to continue the adventure,
when I want to solve the mystery.
But then then there is a nightmare.
When I want it to be over.
Wanting my eyes to open,
when they are squeezed together tight.
When my mind keeps going on and on,
not wanting to go.
When I only see a black color,
with endless darkness.
Is a dream something,
I have but not something I want?
But at the same time wanting it,
doing anything I want in a dream.
But wanting to change it,
with the nightmares I have.
When a dream takes me,
to a place I don't want to go,
and when a dream takes me,
to a place I dreamed to be.
Well at least I can see where it takes me,
to ifnd were my mind of curiosity takes me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there. The first thing I noticed was that you have the incorrect tense for "sleep" and "close"; they should be "sleeping" and "closed", respectively. Because of this, your first two lines don't make much sense, and as the first two lines are the first thing your reader sees, this leads to a bad first impression.
The next thing I noticed as I was reading this was that a lot of your sentences are fragments, and so they don't make much sense. Some of this has to do with the punctuation. Poetry generally follows the same rules of punctuation as regular writing. I suggest writing this poem out in regular sentence form; it makes it easier to check that everything makes sense and is properly punctuated.
Black is a color, so the "color" is a bit redundant.
The last thing I'd like to talk about is imagery, or the descriptions in your poem. Right now, they're all quite vague and non-specific. They don't provide a clear picture of what you're talking about. Including vivid, unique imagery in your poetry is a good way to make your poem memorable. I suggest you go into more detail (but not too much) and describe things as precisely as possible. For example, "black". How black is it? Is it true black, pitch black, jet black, or does it have a grayish tinge to it? What is it about the color that makes it intimidating or terrifying? If you can answer these questions before your reader asks them, it will make your poem stronger.
Let me start of by saying that this is a very nice piece of work. Short and very poetic. The subject of dreams is complex a enigma that will not soon be solved. Reading your take on the matter was interesting and your style of presenting it was entertaining, I myself believe that dreams cannot and should not be controlled or manipulated in any fashion. One should simply interpret them.
As a review your poem was flowed smoothly at the beginning but started to get rocky in the second paragraph. I also advise you to go back and revise and edit a bit.
Besides a few bumps here and there this is a great piece of art.
Keep up the good work!