Published June 16, 2010
with a few seconds until the sun rises
I see the mist of the morning
covering the city
like the ocean with sparkling water
matching with the clouds and sky
colors of blue and white mixed together
almost like stars with city lights in the sky
then finally the sun comes up
moving slowly
taking over the ocean of the mist
the buildings' shadows leaning toward me
and the sun shining on me
flickering in my eyes
like seeing a jewel glittering into my eyes
during that cold morning
with the winds blowing on me
it would be nice
if seeing the whole world in front of me
would already make my day
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141,619 Literary Works • 675,173 Reviews
The imagery in this is phenomenal. Almost makes me want to wake up early in the morning and watch the sun rise above the morning dawn, but who am I kidding its summer in Texas even if could wake up that early the temperature go from 71' to 103' in 2 minutes lol.
As a review the poem flowed quite nicely throughout and punctuation mistakes were at a minimum.
All and all I thought it was great!
Keep it up Animexfruits 1 oh 1!
-Dawn
sometimes a lack of punctuation is done on purpose because people believe it adds to the work. have you ever read pygmalion? he does that so many times it isnt even funny. i am personally not a fan of that, but this is such a short piece that i think it doesnt make much difference.
my favorite part of this poem was the motion. i felt as though, just reading it, i was painting a picture, quite literally. it felt so...serene...surreal...climatic.
the ending did not exactly make sense. it seemed as if you were going from the beautiful devastation of this city to the conquering of the world. maybe. i am not a poetry genius. good job, it was marvelous at the beginning, absolutely astounding!
The first thing I noticed was actually not the lack of punctuation (for once XD) but that you tended to repeat words like "sky" and "eyes". Since this poem was so short, this repetition was really noticeable and distracting. Getting a bit more creative with your imagery and using a more varied vocabulary would help.
The second thing I noticed was the lack of punctuation. It started out pretty good, and the lack of punctuation wasn't a problem in the beginning of the poem, but somewhere around the middle, things began getting muddled and confused, and by the end of the poem, I had no clue at all what you were trying to say as everything had merged together into this inseparable mass of words. I suggest going back in and adding punctuation. It will make things much less confusing.
Not sure if this is a good poem no matter how times I read it over -_- so i would like to listen to any advice if you have any xD please and thank you