Most of the time
my eyes would focus on the computer
with my glasses reflecting the computer screen.
Reading books I'd never finish
with adventures that need to be coninued.
Watching movies I have already seen
while they still make me laugh,
or make me stare at the screen.
Lying down on my bed
breathing so softly and quietly,
I could hear the clock ticking every second.
Its so quiet that I could hear footsteps,
roaming around the house,
passing through my bedroom door.
Outside my window,
I'd see cars driving pass the streets,
with sidewalks filled with people walking.
Being stuck inside,
felling lazy to go outside
to play in the nice weather.
But doing this everyday
wouldn't really bore me
if being relaxed everyday is nice,
I wouldn't mind if this happen everyday.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello.
I agree with the reviewer above me. This really lacks any emotion, and there's no cohesiveness. Nothing to tie this poem together to have us go "that's what she's hinting at."
There are two main reasons behind this that I can see: The disjointed imagery and the self-centered focus. And, technically, they are related problems.
I'll start with the disjointed imagery, because that's really the biggest issue I can see. Right now, the images are just thrown together with no obvious reason for it. There might be reason to write those lines for you, but not to us (hence the "self centered" bit). Make it a bit more obvious why you're using these lines in order to have us relate to the poem from line one, instead of line twenty.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
My main complaint is the lack of real emotion involved. It felt as though you were just bluntly stating things, rather than really putting that essential feeling into it. There was nothing to tie this all together, no real rythmn to follow, and even though the topic was relateable I felt like you kept shared feelings isolated somehow. I don't know what it lacked, more description I suppose, but the emotion just didn't seem to flow into the words.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver