Hiya there! Welcome to YWS…Trans-mog-rif-i-cation? Sounds interesting >_<
I didn’t know what had made me wake up exactly as the grandfather clock downstairs in the hall struck midnight.
Maybe it was the clock?
Maybe it was because of tomorrow; the first day of summer, now that school had finished.
I’m entirely the greatest at trying to figure out where semi-colons go, but it doesn’t seem right there. I believe a comma would suffice
It was that or the fact that my best friend, Claire Johnson (or CJ, as everyone called her), had started to snore so loud from the creamy blue carpet on which she slept, that it shook my bed. I don’t know which one; it was a tossup.
Long sentence alert! I’m not saying long sentences is bad but, this is rather long. The brackets I think you can nix because you don’t need them and they’re not the greatest in stories. If you know what I mean I believe you can figure out where else to add a period.
I was heading for the swing near the back of our yard, attached to the sturdy oak that had been growing in the exact place for decades.
Is there where she often goes when she can’t sleep?
‘Damn teachers,’ I thought. ‘They always ruin the wonder of things.’
Her thoughts should be in italics as to not confuse the reader. They’re easier to see.
Then I saw one, brighter then the others.
Describe it!
‘Is it just me, or is it getting closer?’
Italics!
“What the hell?” I said to myself. “What are they, dead?! Who DIDN’T hear that?!”
May be just me, but try italicising didn’t to emphasize it, instead of capitalizing it.
I was REALLY hoping it was some rare rock that was worth millions, even if was only about the size of a ping pong ball.
Italic really! My poor eyes have been blinded by a capitalized word xD
Until CJ went home, I hid the stone in my pocket in fear that they would ask where I had gotten it. After my Dad finally left for work, I was finally able to bring it out and put it onto the table.
How long was she carrying said stone in her pocket?
As I said this, I realized the stone was twitching and, as I watched in awe, it formed into the shape I had just described.
Try: As I was saying this, blah blah blah. Flows better xD
I put the stone back in my pocket and went outside. I saw my neighbor, Kai Archer, getting onto his bike. “Kai, hello!” He looked up. “Ah, Wesley, good morning. How is your day?”
Oh my! My eyes couldn’t keep up with all of it! When someone new speaks, always start a new paragraph! So much easier to decipher who is speaking!
“How many times do I have to tell you to call me by my first name!?!”
Nix the two exclamation marks. If you place a dialogue tag or a character action (like pulling a face). It’ll then show the emotion of your character to your reader so you don’t need those exclamation marks.
“I do not turn purple!!” I yelled back, turning purple in the face as I did so.
How did she know she was turning purple? Was there a mirror somewhere?
~~~~~~
Interesting piece you got here. Plenty of potential.
Pace~ It goes by really fast near the end and I felt it whoosh by. Perhaps you could slow it down or add scenes in between or something to slow it down a bit. Well, the whole chapter was a little fast paced.
Description~ It was actually pretty good! It usually is one of the main things I complain about. But I could picture it clearly enough, though it breezed by.
You need to work on your paragraphs. Especially when it comes to dialogue. Everything is mumbled together in improper format. Gotta fix that Easy mistake though.
If you have any questions PM. Good luck!
Meadow
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