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Young Writers Society



Transmogrification - ch 1

by anime-girl13


Yeah... i know... I need to think of another title... :lol:

Ch 1 - A Discovery

The cool night air blew through my window and tickled my face as I lay in bed, staring at the boring white ceiling. I didn’t know what had made me wake up exactly as the grandfather clock downstairs in the hall struck midnight. Maybe it was because of tomorrow; the first day of summer, now that school had finished. It was that or the fact that my best friend, Claire Johnson (or CJ, as everyone called her), had started to snore so loud from the creamy blue carpet on which she slept, that it shook my bed. I don’t know which one; it was a tossup.

I silently crawled out of bed and slipped my pajamas off and replaced them with a t-shirt and jeans. I picked my white tennis shoes up from off the floor and slid them onto my narrow feet. As I tiptoed past CJ, she rolled over in her sleep and snorted. I froze and waited for breathing to become regular again before I slid out into the pitch black hallway. I have never had a problem with seeing in the dark; my eyes never have to adjust. Because of this, my friends and family call me Cat, a nickname from my regular name, Cortana.

Down the hallway, I could see the open doorway of my dad’s room, and the lump of blankets that showed that he was fast asleep. Satisfied, I crept down the stairs and through the back door. As I walked over the dew covered grass, the breeze that had tickled me earlier now danced and whispered through my long brunette hair. I was heading for the swing near the back of our yard, attached to the sturdy oak that had been growing in the exact place for decades.

I sat down in the swing and listened to the wind rattle the grass and leaves. Looking up, I saw the stars stretched across the heavens as they glistening. There was a bright streak, then another, soon the entire sky was full of shooting stars. It was ironic to me though. For those pretty “stars” where nothing but big chunks of space rock burning up in the atmosphere. ‘Damn teachers,’ I thought. ‘They always ruin the wonder of things.’ Then I saw one, brighter then the others. ‘Is it just me, or is it getting closer?’

No, it was not just me. I jumped off the swing and lay face down on the ground in a panic. ‘Oh, yes, this is going to help me from being crushed by a giant rock!’ I yelled at myself before getting up again. It streaked through the sky, I could see the fire clearly now, before it made a touchdown on the ground. The explosion that followed was overwhelming. I shielded my eyes from the bright flash and put my head between my legs to try, and fail, to block the sound. Then it was over. My ears were ringing and my legs wobbled as I hoisted myself up, using the oak as support. The sky in the general direction of the newest landform in the United States was glowing an eerie orange.

I slowly looked over my shoulder at my house, just waiting for my dad to poke his head out a window and yell at me for playing with nuclear bombs. But not even a light turned on. “What the hell?” I said to myself. “What are they, dead?! Who DIDN’T hear that?!” Oh well, sucks to be them. I sprinted toward my bike and climbed on. About halfway there I realized that I had forgotten to leave a note as to where I had gone. I was all ready to turn around and head back when I thought, ‘Heck, if they don’t wake up when a giant meteor smash brawls into the ground, then I don’t really think they deserve a note.’ So, I continued on.

I looked down in to the large crater. I could see the cause of it in the middle of the hole. It was shaped like a diamond and seemed to shine in the sun. I was REALLY hoping it was some rare rock that was worth millions, even if was only about the size of a ping pong ball. Scrambling down the side, I noticed that the sun was beginning to rise over the mountains. “Alright. Get in, grab the thing. Get out. Sell it and, later, when my dad asks where I got all the money from, tell him I invested in stock. Yeah… best plan ever. Ah, screw this. I’ll think of a real plan later.”

By then I was standing above the small, glistening rock. I reached down, expecting it to be hot, or at least warm, and was surprised to find that it was actually quite cool to the touch. So, I deduced, either it had just instantaneously fried all the nerves in my hand, or it cooled really fast. I hoped it was the latter. Suddenly I heard cars and sirens in the distance. Crap, they were coming to see what happened. I ran up the slope of the crater, grabbed a fir branch and ran back down. I quickly brushed away all evidence that I had been there, then got on my bike and pedaled away. All the while I clutched the stone in my fist, as though I were afraid I would lose it.

Until CJ went home, I hid the stone in my pocket in fear that they would ask where I had gotten it. After my Dad finally left for work, I was finally able to bring it out and put it onto the table. “It would be a pretty necklace, except for the fact it is too big. Maybe I can get someone to cut it smaller… and more oddly shaped… it is almost perfectly round.” As I said this, I realized the stone was twitching and, as I watched in awe, it formed into the shape I had just described. It now looked like a clear teardrop. I picked it up, cautiously, I turned it around. The light caught it and sent a spectrum of colors onto the wall. “Sweet! I’ve got a magic stone!” I said, for magic was the only word I could think of to describe it.

I put the stone back in my pocket and went outside. I saw my neighbor, Kai Archer, getting onto his bike. “Kai, hello!” He looked up. “Ah, Wesley, good morning. How is your day?” “How many times do I have to tell you to call me by my first name!?!” “But, if I did do that, I would miss seeing you turn purple in the face.” “I do not turn purple!!” I yelled back, turning purple in the face as I did so. “See?” He said matter-of-factly. “What did I tell you?” When I couldn’t think of a reply I just said, “Oh, be quite, you insolent fool.” He raised his eyebrow and said, intelligently, “Whaaa~?” I sighed and shook my head.

“Anyways, I was going to ask you if you are riding into town, because I am too.” He nodded, so I added, “Mind if we bike together then?” “As long as your entire body does not turn purple, then yes.” He said with out blinking an eye. “…I’ll let that slide and take that as a yes…” I said, while trying to stop myself from leaping over the fence and strangling him. “Just let me go get my bike.” So, after getting on my bike, which I had cleaned from that early morning expedition, we biked towards town.


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Wed Dec 23, 2009 7:22 am
MeadowLark wrote a review...



Hiya there! Welcome to YWS…Trans-mog-rif-i-cation? Sounds interesting >_<

I didn’t know what had made me wake up exactly as the grandfather clock downstairs in the hall struck midnight.


Maybe it was the clock?

Maybe it was because of tomorrow; the first day of summer, now that school had finished.


I’m entirely the greatest at trying to figure out where semi-colons go, but it doesn’t seem right there. I believe a comma would suffice :D

It was that or the fact that my best friend, Claire Johnson (or CJ, as everyone called her), had started to snore so loud from the creamy blue carpet on which she slept, that it shook my bed. I don’t know which one; it was a tossup.


Long sentence alert! I’m not saying long sentences is bad but, this is rather long. The brackets I think you can nix because you don’t need them and they’re not the greatest in stories. If you know what I mean ;) I believe you can figure out where else to add a period.

I was heading for the swing near the back of our yard, attached to the sturdy oak that had been growing in the exact place for decades.


Is there where she often goes when she can’t sleep?

‘Damn teachers,’ I thought. ‘They always ruin the wonder of things.’


Her thoughts should be in italics as to not confuse the reader. They’re easier to see.

Then I saw one, brighter then the others.


Describe it!

‘Is it just me, or is it getting closer?’


Italics!

“What the hell?” I said to myself. “What are they, dead?! Who DIDN’T hear that?!”


May be just me, but try italicising didn’t to emphasize it, instead of capitalizing it.

I was REALLY hoping it was some rare rock that was worth millions, even if was only about the size of a ping pong ball.


Italic really! My poor eyes have been blinded by a capitalized word xD

Until CJ went home, I hid the stone in my pocket in fear that they would ask where I had gotten it. After my Dad finally left for work, I was finally able to bring it out and put it onto the table.


How long was she carrying said stone in her pocket?

As I said this, I realized the stone was twitching and, as I watched in awe, it formed into the shape I had just described.


Try: As I was saying this, blah blah blah. Flows better xD

I put the stone back in my pocket and went outside. I saw my neighbor, Kai Archer, getting onto his bike. “Kai, hello!” He looked up. “Ah, Wesley, good morning. How is your day?”


Oh my! My eyes couldn’t keep up with all of it! When someone new speaks, always start a new paragraph! So much easier to decipher who is speaking!

“How many times do I have to tell you to call me by my first name!?!”


Nix the two exclamation marks. If you place a dialogue tag or a character action (like pulling a face). It’ll then show the emotion of your character to your reader so you don’t need those exclamation marks.

“I do not turn purple!!” I yelled back, turning purple in the face as I did so.


How did she know she was turning purple? Was there a mirror somewhere?

~~~~~~

Interesting piece you got here. Plenty of potential.

Pace~ It goes by really fast near the end and I felt it whoosh by. Perhaps you could slow it down or add scenes in between or something to slow it down a bit. Well, the whole chapter was a little fast paced.

Description~ It was actually pretty good! It usually is one of the main things I complain about. But I could picture it clearly enough, though it breezed by.

You need to work on your paragraphs. Especially when it comes to dialogue. Everything is mumbled together in improper format. Gotta fix that ;) Easy mistake though.

If you have any questions PM. Good luck!

Meadow





Lily you are my fig father
— Elliebanana