z

Young Writers Society



The "Elf" Girl - fable

by anime-girl13


One upon a time there was a girl named Analisa. This girl, unlike everyone else, had pointy ears. All her childhood, people would make fun of her and call her an elf. The girl tried as hard as she could to ignore what they said and continued onto her dream, to be a actress. When people learned of this they laughed, for they thought that no one who had pointy ears could become a actress.

One night, Analisa lay in bed, crying herself to sleep because the kids at school had been particularly nasty that day. Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong honey?" Her mother whispered as she petted the girl's head. The girl choked out: "Everyone at school is laughing at me because of my pointy ears. They say that someone with ears that ugly can never become an actress!" Her mother hugged her and said,

"They only say those things, because, deep down in their hearts, they are jealous that you are unique and strong. You are strong enough to ignore all those hateful words each day, and that is what makes you unique, not your ears. They are also jealous that you gave a goal in life, a dream, while many of them are just trying to get good grades and impress their classmates. They don't have a dream, like you. That is why they say those things."

"Really, mom?"

"Really."

Then the girl lay her head back down on her pillow and fell asleep with a smile on her face.

Many years later, Analisa became an actress and slowly worked her way up until she was getting lead rolls. Every day, as she walked to the store, she would be stopped by people who wanted her autograph. One day, she was approached by a meteorologist in a suit, carrying a briefcase. The man made his way sheepishly to her and said, "You probably don't remember me, but I used to go to school with you. I just want to say that I am sorry for all the things I said to you back then. I was just jealous of how you were so strong." The woman smiled as she remembered the words her mother had said to her all those years back, as she said just three words, "I forgive you."

Moral: It doesn't matter what's on the outside, because its what's inside that counts.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 1844
Reviews: 14

Donate
Wed Dec 23, 2009 4:36 pm
anime-girl13 says...



Yeah, I know. I'm trying but this week has been hectic for me, with relatives coming over and last minute shopping. :)




User avatar
176 Reviews


Points: 18529
Reviews: 176

Donate
Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:17 am
Lena.Wooldridge says...



Your very welcome :)

Remember, that for every thing you post, you need to do 3 reviews of other people's work! I've seen that you have been posting a lot of things, but not reviewing much.

Cheers
-Lena




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 1844
Reviews: 14

Donate
Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:28 pm
anime-girl13 says...



Oh my gosh, thank you so much for helping me! This is a rather old piece of work, so I knew there would be something wrong with it, but not that much! XD So thanks so much for helping me! :D




User avatar
176 Reviews


Points: 18529
Reviews: 176

Donate
Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:04 pm
Lena.Wooldridge wrote a review...



Grammar
:arrow: Punctuation errors occur throughout the story. For example,

The girl choked out, "Everyone one at school is laughing at me because of my pointy ears.

This should read as: The girl choked out: "Everyone one at school is laughing at me because of my pointy ears..."
:idea: When you put the "he/she said" part before the dialogue, you must put a semicolon (:)instead of a period or comma.

:arrow: There is also no paragraph between dialogue. For example, when the girl is talking to her mother, it says:
"...That is why they say those things." "Really, mom?" "Really."
without ever starting a new paragraph.
:idea: In order to distinguish between speakers, you must start a new paragraph for each dialogue.

:arrow: There are also errors with verb tense. For example, it says:
Then the girl lay her head back down on her pillow and went to sleep with a smile on her face.
This skips between verb tenses, as "lay" is present tense and "went" is past tense.
:idea: A quick lesson on verb tense: PAST TENSE = I walked, I ran, I sang. PRESENT TENSE = I walk, I run, I sing. Commit to one tense, and stick with it!

Sentence Structure and Word Choice
:arrow:
Everyday, as she walked to the store
In this case, you should say "every day" instead.


Plot
:arrow: The elf girl needs a name.
:arrow:
They are also jealous that you gave a goal in life, a dream, while many of them are just trying to get good grades and impress their classmates.
Are you insinuating that getting good grades is a bad thing? If this is a fable, which are meant to instruct children on good morals, why would you want to tell them that getting good grades isn't important?
:?: What time period was this written in? And where?
:arrow: She is approached by a lawyer at the end. Are lawyers not successful as well? I'd pick a different occupation, like a plumber.
:arrow: If she is strong, then why does she go home crying just cause kids make fun of her pointy ears?


Overall
It's sweet, although clunkily written, but neglects to carry a real message.

PM for questions,
Cheers,
-Lena





Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
— Joseph Campbell