Published December 27, 2009
Life is like sand.
Trickling, disappearing,
Fading into nothing.
Yet there are billions of grains,
Until they are all gone.
Then life is over .
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi,
I really liked it . You did a good job of comparing sand to life .
Hey there!
This is not bad! I enjoy how short it is, but I'm not sure that the sand metaphor is as clear as it could be. Think of sand -- beaches come to my mind first, but I assume that for sand to trickle, it would have to be an hourglass, ja? I think you should throw a better hint of that in there, so that it's not too foggy for your audience to comprehend.
June
I liked this but not loved it. People critisize me for having short poems so I'm cool with the shortness. I just don't like the last line. It's pretty blunt and shallow compared to the deepness of your other lines. What I do think you should do is at least explain it a little more. Where does the sand fade?
Hey, I think this is pretty good.
I admit it is kind of depressing, but I've read alot of depressing poems.
So yaah I guess its best that not all poems are happy and cheerful, cause it balances everything out. But it would help to maybe add a little more to it. Just a thought.
Keep uo the good work!
~BG~
Hello!
So this is an okay concept. I often hear the phrase "sands of time" in music, see it in books and movies, so when I look at this poem it makes me think of an hourglass, maybe?
But how is the sand disappearing into nothing? That doesn't happen with hourglasses nor sand slipping through your fingers nor any other way that I can think of. Well, scratch that. Maybe if you threw sand into a vacuum (a real vacuum, not the thing you clean your floors with.) So, like some of the other reviewers, I'm interested in seeing how exactly it goes away. Where does it go?
If you expand upon that, it'll expand upon the entire meaning of your work and make it really deep. You've already chosen a deep subject, but it's not really convincing me right now that we're living for no reason (which is, I think, what the poem is trying to express to me.)
I'd like to see more with this. I enjoyed what you've got of this idea.
Thanks for posting and take care!
Vanadis
Hi anime girl! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing
So, I agree with the person above me, about the connection part. I'd like to say development better. My advice here would be to develop. This is a good comparison, and you can kick this up a notch. For now, it's an okay poem, but I can see you have the potential for a great poem. As some would say, this is a great start of a poem. With a bit more development, adding more here and there, this would really be great.
For example, here:
This could be taken by two points of views: one, being the idea of someone grabbing the sand, and it slipping through the fingers back into the sand (from that point of view, which was my first one, the 'nothing' sounds awkward); or another point of view, being as the waves crash on the beach and drag the sand back. That could be a way of fading, but yet again, it wouldn't be into 'nothing'. So, if you add something there, explain it, it would be clearer
And that's it! Thanks for posting!
- Kat
I think your poem is okay. Not too good, or bad. Just in the middle.
I think you can make some connections with some specific parts of the poem. For example:
How did the grains disappear? Be more specific.
Also, this is just a suggestion-- you don't have to follow it. Maybe you can make a steady rhythm for your poem. If there is a name for that, I'm sorry that I don't know what it's called. For example, each line can be...say... six syllables. This will probably make the reading more smooth.
Keep writing! Great job anyway!
Not all poems have to be happy and cheerful. I'm glad they aren't.
This poem is very sad and even a little depressing.It should be more hopeful. Are you trying to say that life is meaningless? because if you are that's really sad because though life does not last forever we are all here for a purpose and we should treasure every moment instead of looking at it like grains of sand quickly going away.
This is deep from my shallow point of view, it really makes you think.
I'm pretty bad at poetry, but I just wanted you to know that I liked it.
Keep writing.