It was late at night. No one was home but me the power went out. It had been a few minuets since the power went out the phone began to ring I answered it and all I heard was deep breathing from a man begging for help. I said “hello is anyone their” but there was no response. I began to worry, I dialed *69 to get the last incoming call it was a private number. I panicked and called the police, they said that they would watch out, for anything suspicious. I ran out the door on my own just to see if I could find him and help. I jumped in my car and drove down the road; I didn’t know were to look. Then, suddenly I saw a person in the middle of the road. He yelled something and at that moment I knew that person in the middle of the road was the person on the phone I tried to stop but my brakes would work so I swerved around him and hit a big wide tree. I was out cold for an hour went by but it felt like a year. The doctors said that I had a major concussion. Then 5 minuets went by then One of the doctors came up to me and said that it was a really bad accident that I got in to he also said that I was lucky to be alive, and said that it was not on accident. Somebody is trying to kill me, earlier that day I got a phone call and it sounded like a man asking for help with a really deep breath. And then when I went for a drive to clear my head and then their was a man in the middle he was all cut up and browsed. He said something and then I new it was the person on the phone I tried to stop but the breaks wouldn’t work so I swerved around him and went right in to a tree.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
... I hate that I'm going to say it like this. Please, please! Do not take offense. Don't take it in any wrong way. I do not like this. I was a bit confused. You need to work on it. This has potential but... it needs description, work on the sentences, and a lot more. It needs improvement. You need more emotion and it goes a little too fast to comprehend.
*shudders at self* I'm sorry I had to get mean....
~Ladypurple.
First of all, with a lot of tweaking obviously, I think I would read this. It's tense and rather thrilling, but it could still use a lot of detail. I'm going to be rather picky in this review, but not too picky. And like previous posts have mentioned, read your story out loud and you'll find where things have went wrong.
1) There is a fragment in this sentence, consider rearranging it, adding some detail and maybe a full stop or comma.
2) Spelling error.
3) This sentence needs a comma or when in between out and the, it doesn't flow very easily and nor does it make sense. And add something like 'abnormally, the phone rang.' You need to state how strange it would be for your character, and depending what you add it could add to the tension. And then a full stop at the end of the red.
4) I didn't quite understand this. You stated all you heard was deep breathing; so how did you know he was begging for help? Add something like 'all I heard was deep breathing, then an extended pause.' And after that describe what he is saying and how he's saying it.
1) Another fragment. Try this, 'The evident pants on the other end caused me to become rather anxious, and so I forced four solitary words past my lips; 'Hello, is anybody there?' And also there was a spelling error.
2) Double 'L'. There's only one 'L' if you want the previous voul to sound like a capital, but only when there is vouls either side of a consonant.
3) Full stop after call. Otherwise the sentence is jumbled.
4) The comma isn't necessary there.
I'll get less picky now and finish up my review.
1) I think you meant wouldn't work.
This is just a portion on what needs changing. The plot itself seems very well structured, and when it is fixed and split into paragraphs, I'm sure this could be a possible favourite of mine and many other's. I hope you this wasn't too long for you, but since you have potential I thought I'd give you as much advise as possible.
Keep writing (:!
-Pernicious.
i still like the first verson...i think everyone here wud too...but u know ur u and u can do wats ever u want to ur righting....but i do say its a good story overall
Review time =w=
:L Fix that on the other one too.
Is *69 a... number that shows the number? ._. Woah!
I'll just nit pick those, rather than that, the story was well... I couldn't really get it rather than the man is being target by someone. It would be nice if you make it longer and tell why he was getting hunted.
By the way, did he crash into a tree TWICE?! I thought I could learn from his first crash 8D
I think you need a LITTLE more detail but overall, i like the story idea and i think you should make it a little longer. But over all i liked it.
Overall, I think that you have an interesting plot here. But, it gets a bit confusing. I like the tension towards the beginning, the action, the sense of "What in the world is going on?", but after the car hits the tree, everything gets jumbled together. Time lapses are not clear, are not given the time they need. I would clarify a great deal of the second half.
I would also work on the grammar in this; you have a lot of run-on sentences and awkwardly placed commas. Read it out loud, and when you take a breath in a sentence, put in a comma. When you naturally pause is when you need one. I would space this out in several paragraphs, and run spell-check on it as well.
There were several things in your story that kind of confused me.
Why did the man need help?
Why did she think someone was trying to kill her, if she just crashed into a tree?
How did she know the man was the guy from the phone?
Why was she allowed to drive right after coming out of a coma and when she had a major concussion?
I've had a major concussion, and I wasn't allowed to even leave the house for eight months. There was no driving involved, I promise.
Overall, this kind of seems more like a plot outline in some ways, than a story. I would elaborate, slow some parts down, and fill it in. We need more. If you do a rewrite, please let me know and I'd be glad to look at it.
-Coral-