I don't normally write rhyming poetry anymore, but this was written when I was younger.
Delilah McLear
On a breezy autumn day
A girl went out to play
Her name was Delilah McLear
Prettiest girl in Dreary Dear
On the ground she sat
In site of a man in a red ball hat
He approached her without a sound
and picked her up off the ground
On a chilly winter's day
They found where the body lay
of missing Delilah McLear
Prettiest girl in Dreary Dear
On a warm spring day
A girl went out to play
Her name was Lilly McLear
Now the prettiest girl in Dreary Dear
On the swings, she saw clear
the ghost of her sister, Delilah McLear
Delilah took her far away
And Lilly went missing that same day
On a hot summer day
On little Delilah's grave, lay
the body of Lilly McLear
to continue the curse of Dreary Dear
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Canary word: Present
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Dear ThornedRose,
I prefer to write without punctuation sometimes. If it made sense without the punctuation, I normally don't add it. It always messed me up, when I focused on everything at once. "Oh wait. Should I put a comma or a simicolon?" But I understand your point and I think I'll start using punctuation, but I just won't put my entire focus on it. Thanks for your reply!
Dear Abigail_W,
Thanks for the response! I don't normally rhyme anymore, because it DOES set limits. I totally understand what you're saying. I was just trying to come up with something cool to show my friend, right after I got the idea. I've been known for taking a minute or so to write a poem, but it isn't that great when I was trying to rhyme. Now I try to take my time and not set records, just write to write and get it done right. No rhyme intended. LOL. I meant "sight" not "site", just a spelling error. In my rushing to get it done, I didn't put much detail, but there was a little fighting from the girl, struggling.
I think I'm going to redo this with less or no rhyming and rewording it. Basically, scrapping the poem, but keeping the story. I'll make sure to be specific and not so strange with the wording. And I'll make sure I put in the punctuation. I have other projects, so this one might be pushed back a bit, but it'll get done eventually. Thanks again for your advice, you two! I will use both of your suggestions and I'm sure it'll improve greatly. ^_^
Amy
Hey Animal Princess, I really like this and I envy your ability to rhyme and have it make sense, which is something i totally fail at. Anyhow, on to the review . . .
Should be a period after 'play.'
Preface the second line with 'She was,' and add a period after 'Dear'.
Comma after 'sat', period after 'hat'.
Period after 'ground.'
Should be a semi-colon after 'McLear' and a period after 'Dear'.
Comma after 'day', period after 'play'. Comma after 'McLear', Period after 'Dear.'
This sounds a little bit awkward. Maybe you could try: 'On the swings she clearly saw'
Period after 'McLear'.
Period after 'Day.'
Again, period after 'Dear'.
That's it. Have fun revising this, and PM me if you have any questions
This is such a poignant poem! It is very bittersweet and sad.
I feel as though the rhyming, here, is setting your limits. I am not telling you to drop the rhyming, but I am telling you to, perhaps, add more to this. "Day" and "play" are commonly used as rhyming words in poems. Why not add something different in, like "A girl outside in dismay at the horrible grade on her test today?" After all, variety is the spice of life.
For "site," did you mean "spite" or "sight?" Either way, I'm sure you know this is a typo. But wait -- I'm confused. Didn't she fight back? Was this someone she knew? Was it really as simple as that -- he just came and picked her right up off the ground? It sounds too easy. Wouldn't he have kicked her with a pound, and grabbed her aching body right up off the ground?
This stanza has not a flaw, my friend, except that, to keep your style flowing steadily, you should capitalize the word "of." Again, this is just a little typo.
My only other concern for this poem is that, at first, I didn't realize that "Deary Dear" was a town. Other than that, this is a very sweet little poem. Well done!