Young Writers Society

it tells of a man who died because he was drunk when he fixed some cables.

he's in an inescapable world wherein he'll continue to experience his death over and over again for an eternity.

thanks for helping me out

Don't really have time at the moment for a review of considerable length... but I thought I would say "nice job!" because the prose is so well-written, and the story so interesting... so far. Keep on with it!

-Mr. realms

Hey there anima9!
My first thought after this, was that this would make a spiffy monologue ;D
Anyhoo, this was shorter than I'd expected so there isn't much room to make mistakes
In your second (And short XD) paragraph, the
First sentence: Either "and I ask myself that question a hundred times over, still getting no answer." or "and even if I asked myself that question a hundred times over, I would get no answer."
I'd suggest the first sentence, because it seems to fit the context better. Also, you shortened "I would" to I'd, which is inconsistent with the rest of your brief story. It was a tad out of place, and I would suggest writing it out fully, but its no big deal
Second sentence: There should be a comma after "I figured", and I'd suggest italicising the last bit of the paragraph to clearly define it as a thought.

Third paragraph: I don't think the comma is needed between recurring dream & again.
Last paragraph: You missed out a full stop after 'cables'

Okie dokie, overall, I felt that this piece was not bad, albeit nothing spectacular. It seemed more like you were narrating a particularly long joke, unfortunately. To make it more prose-like, perhaps you should consider lengthening the dream sequence. I understand that dreams can be vague, but more details would give this short piece more volume. Volume that can be added without seeming too excessive, would be to be more descriptive. Your descriptions weren't bad, but you could spruce it up more with your imagination, make it really vivid for your readers. For example, instead of simply writing: "I woke up in my bedroom", you could add more details to his awakening, since it was rather nightmarish. He could have beads of sweat running down his face, he could be gripping his blanket hard enough to turn his knuckles white, etc.

One other thing, you mentioned that the dream was recurring, but the man couldn't possibly have repeated his "drunken cable-fixing" routine over and over again in a more plausible scenario. Since you need to leave the funny element in your story, I'd suggest removing the 'recurring' detail of your dream. Also, maybe instead of his bed, he could've fallen asleep on the sofa or floor? Considering his drunken state. Not that his bedroom isn't something likely, of course

Every writer has potential, and as long as they're willing to put in the effort, they are able to produce brilliant pieces of literature. You are no exception, so keep persevering with your writing, and don't hesitate to drop me a PM if you have any queries and such

Have a great day!
~Meep(: