Published December 6, 2009
“I’m sorry” was all I could say,
Yet you still kept on your way.
It saddens me now that you’re gone;
I suffer from what I’ve done.
===
Seasons change, the sun rises and falls.
I stand by the phone, yet no one calls.
Hoping for your voice, I remain.
I’m without your touch; I feel pain.
===
I can’t go on like this; I’ll die.
But life is too short, I have to try.
Out of the darkness into the light.
I open my eyes to use my sight.
===
A silhouette of you, I see.
My heart’s as happy as it can be
I ask “Did you yearn for me too?”
And you answer “Yes and I still do.”
===
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139,486 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
This was my favorite stanza. It could use some cleaning, though. As someone said above.
try something like this:
All of your stanzas could be reworded a little, so that this awkwardness is resolved.
CLiches don't really bother me; if your writing is good, I'll take whatever I can.
Hope that helps
~Empress
If you guys would notice the fact that this poem is unisex
it's for neither girl nor boy but for both.
thanks. i know it's cliche but i just felt writing this one. i was (am) lonely at the time.
thanks for reading. i'll make an original plot one day.
Your plot is a nice one just you didn't get the right words to express and try to make it clear with few words next time. Its a poem not a short story
Yes, a bit cliche, but I did enjoy how you left the reader with hope at the end.
Hello there anima. Even though your poem was well-written, it was cliched and not very original.
It follows a typical plot of a sad poem; girl falls in love, girl's boyfriend dies, girl reflects on him.
Don't get me wrong, it's extremely well written. However, you've lost one thing that will allow you to gather more readers, and that is originality. Spruce up the plot. Did the boyfriend have a secret life? Is the narrator a girl of high class, such as a princess, who must pretend she loves him, even though she doesn't?
Originality is everything.
I know you're capable of achieving it.