z

Young Writers Society



Beyond The Book

by angie208


School was finally over and I was walking home with Isabella. (Again) My nose was eating the scent of crisp muffins from the bakery. Everyday Mrs. Flakes opens the neighborhood bakery for all the kids to be attracted to the sweet smelling treats inside. It is as if her store is a giant magnet and the customers were helpless paperclips. Soon I will be home and Isabella will ask me the same question as she does everyday.

“Emily!” Isabella shouted, “Do you want to hangout today?” Ugh. Every time I go over there I feel like orange juice in a milk carton. I thought to myself.

“Nah, my mom wants me home today. Maybe tomorrow or something.” I exclaimed with a shrug of my shoulders.

“Ok, whatever. Bye.” Isabella said. Just by the tension in her voice I could tell she was bothered by my decision. We are so different in many ways and yet we are inseparable. She thinks as if the world is her playground. Every chance she got she looked danger straight in the eye and told it who was boss. My style is the complete opposite. If only I could wrap my head around the idea of adventure, mountains, or woods. Inside they are filled with darkness.

As I was walking home by myself, my hip suddenly vibrated. When my eyes searched frantically for my phone a few books fell from my arms. My ears heard a sudden presence and I glanced up. There were standing a few girls from my school. One by one they each stepped on my books s if they were playing hopscotch. Was I invisible? Two of them giggled and the other one just stared blankly. Nope I was there all right. After my journey of humiliation was over I was finally safe. Safe from the outsiders, but there were still insiders to deal with.

“Hi Mom. I will be heading upstairs. Do you need anything from me?” My voice sounded angel-like as if I needed a reason for it.

“Yea I do.” Said her mouth with a harsh tone, “There is a list of chores on the counter. Do them all and be down to set the table.” Each chore was finished exactly before 5:50. Dinner would be in twenty minutes which means I would have to set the table soon. The sun gleamed through the window of my bedroom. I could feel the interaction between the sun and my sweatshirt fighting to keep my cool pale skin warm. The sunlight found something else. My book bag. When I was collecting my books up I forgot that my phone rang. The screen said, “ONE MISSED CALL.ONE NEW VOICEMAIL”. I listened to the voicemail first. Mr. Linden called to remind me about my library card he had.

“Man! I forgot about it.” I said out loud but to no one in particular. Now that I think about it my mind starts backtracking to when I was last that the library…It was midday. My mom was at work and I was home alone. I needed something to occupy myself instead of being brainwashed by the TV. Every time my mind is thriving for activity my bookshelf is where I retrieve to. Although I had enough books for two libraries they were already processed in my mind. Time for a new book. I grabbed my helmet, skates, and library card.

As I made my way down Bleaker Street I saw some familiar faces. Mrs. Peacock waved hello from the flower shop window. Mrs. Fudge gave me a sweet nod while she was taking out crisp biscuits from the oven. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone I didn’t recognize. He was quite tall with a lean body shape. The hair dangled layering his four head. Both mine and his brown hazel eyes connected. I looked away and focused on getting to the library. Mr. Linden smiled as I was walking in the doorway. The library looked the same. The gold trimmed windows had the same dust collecting on it as last week. Each book looked untouched and Mr. Linden looked as proud as ever.

“Nice to see you miss Emily. Did you finish all the books?” Mr. Linden asked already knowing the answer.

“Yes, of course I did! They are on the counter. Can I see you older stuff?” I said glancing at the back room.

“Yes anything for my favorite customer” He smiled thoughtfully and I returned it with the same expression.

Everything was different in the adult section. The books were more mature, and they definitely collected more filth. I glanced at a few and then came across an unusual one. Its lettering was chunky and massive with hidden carved vines around the rim. Without even reading the inside I grabbed it and jolted to the checkout counter. Mr. Linden caught my excitement and ran right over, but as he saw the book I held tightly in my arms his sweet tiny smile disappeared.

“Emily, I am afraid you can’t check out that book.” Mr. Linden exclaimed afraid of my reaction.

“Why not?!” I shouted with more expression than I wanted to.

“That book plays tricks on you Emily. I can’t force anyone not to read it and that’s the reason it is still hidden in those shelves but I have to warn you. Please, put the book back.” There was sadness in his eyes as he sad the last sentence. Mr. Linden never ever told me not to read. I was shocked with electricity all through my body. My finger found the library card in my back pocket. I placed the card on the counter and left with the books in my arms and a grimace on Mr. Linden’s face.

“Wow! What a flashback.” My voice was just soft enough not to disturb my mother downstairs. Silently I tiptoed into the kitchen to set the table. My mom was where I knew she would be. Her hair was in one of those crappy plastic clips you see at the dollar store. The apron placed around her waist looked as if it was soaked in bacon oil and used to degrease the stove. It was only her and I occupying this empty old house. She did most of the cleaning which explains her unruly appearance. I only had a few responsibilities, as in setting the table, washing my clothes, and stripping the beds when necessary.

“Hey, baby girl you hungry?” My mom sighed with a voice so calm that maybe I was hallucinating.

“No mom, I had a late lunch. Can I just go to bed?” somehow the tone of my voice made it sound believable.

“Sure” she sounded relieved to have a night to herself and so did I. The taste of my unused mouth from my “late lunch” was unbearable enough for me to brush them twice. After my brutal attack on my teeth, I climbed into my pj’s. They were warm with a scent of lavender detergent from the local market down the street from the library. Hmm…the library. My eyes jerked to the shelf to find the 400 page novel starring at me. Then, it was time. Silently I tripped over a few things on the floor until the book came into reach. My eyes opened wide in astonishment. It was glowing! Each hand-carved vine shined through my eyes with a tint of scarlet. When the book touched my fingertips it was as if I was instantly bonded. I was heaved to my bed with an unbelievable force overtaking my body. The book, still radiant, sent vibrations through my body, all the way to my feet. Reluctantly I found the potency to turn the front cover left.

My brain tried to search for an explanation but everything was moving to fast for me to concentrate. Without warning my vision went blank and I could no longer see my hands. Numbed within minutes, my heart started to pump more rapidly than it ever did. I was no longer in my comfy ordinary bed. When my sight reappeared all I could see were vines. This durable jungle plant tangled with my short brown hair that just swayed below my shoulders. I was unable to move although the numbness was gone.

Without hesitation I drove my teeth straight for the olive green plant. It was so strong but I know I was stronger. Bit by bit I tore apart the vines spitting the excess to my left. At last the vines were down to my knees and I could finally slip out of its clutch. I hauled myself to a nearby tree for support. Once I was back on my feet my eyes wandered. They took in every detail, every movement of the swaying trees above my head, and even the smell of fresh running water. Around a bush of stickers rested an elegant waterfall. It looked as if it was teal blue hair falling down into a river of shampoo. Immediately I thought of Isabella. This place was made for her but it was mistakenly given to me.

From nowhere was the sound of vast water drops falling out of the river and onto me! I jolted my head right to see what caused such an annoyance. To my surprise I saw, what seemed to be, a person. His crystal blue eyes were piercing mine. The gaze he had on his face made me want to run in the heavens. Although his appearance made me have the need for a diaper, somehow he looked innocent. This man was indeed a man yet just a few inches below from my eye level.

“Hello?” I said afraid of what the sound of his voice might be.

“Who are you and what are you doing here!” he barked. Now I was terrified since I didn’t know where I was, why I was here, and why he was yelling at me!

“Um I was sucked into a book and it brought me here. I don’t know where I am and how to get back. And don’t yell at me!” Each word came out shaking and so was I.

“Sorry but I am a little aggravated that someone ruined my precious vine garden.” He said knowing that it was me who did it. “What is your name child?”

“I wouldn’t have had to ruin you death plants if they haven’t had straggled me! My name is Emily, and can you please tell me how I can get home.” I wined like a baby craving its bottle.

“Emily, come inside with me. I have to give you something.” Now that he was calm I could get some answers around here. I followed him to a hut carved into a giant willow tree. It was quite uncomfortable since I had to crouch the whole time indoors. He fiddled with a few things of the shelf located above his kitchen sink. Then he pulled out a jar containing a powdery substance. With his little fingers he placed the jar in my hands with a set of directions written on a leaf.

“What is your name in case I come back again?” I smiled charmingly still gripping the container.

“Arthur.” He said and then shooed me out the doorway.

When I was standing in the same place I fell from I opened the set of directions and placed them flat on a rock nearby. Reading it aloud would help me remember it better.

How to activate the undo spell:

1. Place a handful of dust in your hair.

2. Mix it together until hair is fully coated.

3. Then repeat “Everything was once fine, until I fell into a vine. Send me back from which I came, I want out of this foolish game.”

The hair on my head was up in a bun. I pulled it out with one movement of my pointer finger. With the same hand I slid it into the jar grabbing a handful. Then, within seconds, my hair was fully covered from root to tip.

“Everything was once fine, until I fell into a vine. Send me back from which I came, I want out of this foolish game.”

Out of the blue I felt my sense of feeling faded away, then my vision shortly after that. Without my two senses of sight and feeling I could only hear what was going on around me (which was nothing at all). I was paralyzed and could only imagine what was happening. Then I felt the comfort of pillows surrounding my head. I woke up instantly layered in my own sweat. I leaped from my bed as soon as the numbing was done.

The clock said 2:06a.m. My mother was in bed probably knocked out from some beer. The book came into view just a few inches from my frog slippers. Unwillingly I picked it up and placed it on my shelf. I plopped on my sheets after I changed into something less wet. It wasn’t a dream. This phenomenon will happen again when I reopen that book. This time I will be ready and give this gift to someone who deserves it. Isabella.

Before school I made sure I asked my mom if Isabella could come over.

“Good morning mom. What’s for breakfast?” I asked not to excited to make her feel suspicious.

“Hey Emily. I have to go to work early this morning so I left a box of cheerios on the table. I will be home late so you can order pizza.” Shockingly my mom sounded really pleasant.

“Can Isabella come and keep me company tonight? It’s a Friday so I wont have any homework.” I cried with my lower lip curled down. My mom nodded and headed out the door in case I asked her anything else.

On my way home from school I was happier then a four-year-old kid in a candy shop. Isabella walked beside me babbling about how our math teacher, Mrs. Cacul, is so annoying beyond repair. I listened patiently until she asked me that same question as she does everyday.

“Emily!” Isabella shouted, “Do you want to hangout today?”

“Yes! I do. My mom said you could come over my house but she won’t be home until 8:00. We can order pizza.” I said too excited that I almost mixed up the words.

“Awesome! We haven’t hung out in like forever! What do you want to do?” She asked me with wonder overflowing her eyes.

“I got a new book that I want to read to you. It’s not the ones Mrs. Paige (our reading teacher) forces us to read. Trust me.” For the rest of the walk home I let Isabella tell me all about her boring day. Although I couldn’t stand school and even talking about it I let myself enjoy it considering what will happen tonight.

As we walked in the front door I switched on the TV. and glanced at the clock. It was 4:00 and I decided to eat early. Isabella plopped her book bag on the kitchen table along with mine, then she skipped her way into my view. I tried to ignore the excitement building up inside. Something had to occupy myself from thinking about the book.

“Emily would you care to take a stroll around the block with me?” she said in the British accent she knows I love!

“Why yes my dear Isabella. Lets walk down the street.” I attempted to imitate her. We laughed until our stomachs hurt still talking in our funny accents. As we made our way to the corner of Bleaker Street I saw him again. No surprise that Isabella did since she was jumping up and down grabbing on my arm.

“Do you see him? He is so cute! Guess what?” Isabella said still holding my arm with an incredible strength I didn’t know she had.

“What?” I said wanting to know.

“He is staring right at you. Go talk to him!” Before Isabella could finish the sentence she was pushing me across the street. I didn’t like him at all but I was curious to why his eyes were locked on mine.

“Hey, are you new here?” I said calmly.

“Yea, my mom and I just moved from Wisconsin and I just got acquainted. The library down the street is really neat.” His voice was so perfect that I wish he didn’t stop talking.

“Oh yea. I have read almost every book in there. Which one do you like the most?” I said.

“I read one just last week that didn’t have a title. It was just a big brown book with vines carved around the edges.” He shuddered at the word vines and I knew why.

“I have that book now. Its pretty…” he stopped me and grabbed my shoulders before I could finish my sentence.

“If you need me for anything I want you to come and get me. I will help you if you need any assistance with that book. Emily, it’s a dangerous book.” There was terror in his eyes which made me want to hold him and make him fearless. I looked away and ran towards Isabella. She asked me what that was about and I just shrugged. That’s all she needed to know for now.

When we were back the pizza came and we ate everything like a pack of wolves. The time passed so quickly that my mom would be home in an hour. I looked at Isabella and she was passed out on the couch. This ruined everything but I wanted to show her tonight. As I got up she started to blink. I carried her upstairs and that killed my arms. I couldn’t hold her anymore so I dropped her on the floor of my bedroom.

“What the heck! Why did you do that!” she asked with anger overpowering her voice with every syllable.

“Sorry but I wanted to show you my book.” She didn’t believe me but I didn’t care because that was half the truth. I overlooked the fact that I half lied to her and grabbed the book. A pocket knife laid on my nightstand and I took it for safety. Her hand lay on the floor next to me like a dead pigeon. I grabbed it and placed it on one side of the book and put my hand on the other side. She went numb first.

Isabella had the same reaction as I did the first time. I, on the other hand, wasn’t blinded but I still had the numbness affect. It seemed to worse know that my best friend was going through pain. At least she would be awake now. I chuckled to myself making my own inside joke. I decided not to watch the process of this trance although I could see I still closed my eyes. My arms held my friend tight, which was comical because I couldn’t feel her and neither could she.

“Emily!” Isabella shouted at me while I was right next to her. “What’s happening? Where are we? Get these vines off of me!” I pulled the pocket knife from, of course, my pocket and started cutting. I dragged the both of us out of the vines. After everything was over we laid there hitting each other until the numbness wore off. When I was with Isabella I acted like a free bird just released from a cage.

“We have to go.” I said still laughing.

“Why? We just got here!” I looked at her and she made me laugh even harder that I almost peed myself.

“No, I mean we have to move because Arthur is going to yell at us for literally destroying his garden.” Inside I felt terrible for ruining his garden a second time but I was with my friend and I didn’t want to spoil the moment. We ran fiercely through the forest until I heard a familiar voice.

“Hey wait up! Please stop. I can’t run that fast.” Someone behind us was screaming for us to come to a halt. As the figure approached my mouthed plunged below me in horror. There in front of me stood the same guy who stares at me with a expression I can’t describe. How did he get here?

“Hey Emily, and hey….” He didn’t know Isabella because they haven’t been formally introduced yet. I guess I had to do that.

“This is my best friend Isabella. What’s your name? I didn’t rather catch it the first time.” That was true.

“Chris. Hi Isabella. Can I talk to Emily for a sec?” Then he turned his body swiftly in my invisible bubble. We talked for about ten minutes. Chris did most of the talking which made butterflies explode I my stomach. He told me about an extra copy of the book he found under the floor boards of his house. Whenever he wanted to think he transported himself here. I wanted him to teach me the shortcuts of the forest but something inside me made myself sense danger beneath the trees.

Our cheeks turned red as the chilly wind slapped us in the face. My lungs were about to explode all over Chris as he sprinted in front of me. Isabella was on my left following behind screaming, “Can’t we take a break? I will die!” me and Chris laughed over our shoulders then fell gently on the ground beneath us. All three of our faces starred up in the trees above. Then it hit me. I screamed with intense panic.

“We have to leave, NOW!” every bit of my voice sounded like nails on a chalk board.

“Why? Come on. I still wanted to dive in the waterfall.” Her face was soaked in disappointment. She didn’t understand why we had to leave.

“My mom will be home in five minutes and when she walks through that door we have to be passed out on the couch from all the pizza we ate.” The expression on her face turned into fear. In a split second we were off. Weaving through and dodging each tree that came in our way. Chris was in the rear of us trailing behind. I sense awfulness for ditching him but the fury of my mom was something I would rather not witness. As soon as we approached the waterfall my eyes stayed glued on Isabella making sure she didn’t stop to jump in. Unfortunately, she did.

“What are you doing?” I screamed to her so loud that Chris slowed down behind me to massage his eardrums.

“Going to take a dip! I will catch up with you later. Wait for me!” Before I could argue with her statement she leaped in head first.

Me and Chris both starred blankly (as we always do) and kept jogging forward. A gut feeling started to emerge inside of my stomach and crawled up my spine. I looked back and did not see what I wanted to. Meanwhile we were just a few feet away from Arthur’s hut. My eyes searched through the bushes, in between the trees, and above the clouds. Chris rotated in my direction and opened his mouth about to speak but then he did the unthinkable.

“Everything was once fine, until I fell into a vine. Send me back from which I came, I want out of this foolish game.” He recited the words with a gently movement of his lips. His arms wrapped around my waist and tears overflowed my eyes, unfortunately I wasn’t blinded. I can’t believe I left my best friend behind. How could I sleep tonight knowing she was out there trapped, frightened, and alone?

When my sense of feeling released itself back throughout my body Chris was there next to me. He wiped away the last bit of my tears and hid in my closet. I ran downstairs while my mother’s car headlights turned off. She came around the corner and slipped the key into the door. As she opened it my eyes closed casually. I felt a light tap on my shoulder, and then suddenly pretended to look startled.

“I see you and Isabella attacked your food. By the way, where is she?” My mom’s eyes were fastened on me waiting for an explanation.

“Um…she had to leave early because her mom needed her to help her with spring cleaning. I would have gone but I didn’t know what you would say.” That sounded logical which was exactly my intention.

“Ok am so wiped out from work that I will be upstairs.” Her eyes dropped, the hair on her head needed to be washed and so did the rest of her.

I ran past her in case she stopped in my room to clean up. Luckily she was so out of it that she barely saw me pass her. As I walked in my room I locked the door behind me and feel into a mountain of pillows. Chris watched me as I sobbed in front of him. When I was don’t I picked up my phone and called Isabella’s house. Her mom wanted to know where she was and why she wasn’t home.

“Hello Mrs. Capillary. Isabella is passed out on the couch and I wanted to know if she could sleep over.” I tried to act as innocent as I could, although I wasn’t a seven year old.

“Yes I guess so. You girls have fun. Goodnight.” Her voice sounded so sweet but she didn’t know the truth. She didn’t need to. My clock said 10:03 p.m. which means it was time for me and Chris to go back.

“This time we aren’t leaving without her.” My face was dead serious because I was. He sensed that and didn’t say anything until we arrived in the vines.

“Let me help you.” he said as he saw me struggling through the death plant. Once again the vines were scattered across his lawn. Sometimes I wonder if this was the only transport from reality to fantasy. I was in deep thought when was interpreted by a loud banging. My eyes shot up to see Chris standing before me bashing Arthur’s front door. Quickly the door swung open and then I saw him. He stood there not an inch taller than I remember him. I waved hi but he looked passed me to his garden. Anger stung his miniature body all over. My face flushed with the color red and I tried to change the subject before he explodes all which ways.

“Arthur! I am so happy to see you. Did you grow taller? Anyways we need your help.” The words spilled out of my mouth hoping he would catch my guiltiness.

“I will forget about the garden. Just this once! What do you need?” Unexpectedly he was very sincere. I appreciated it greatly.

“My friend Isabella is lost in the forest and I didn’t explore this place enough for me to familiar with it. How do I find her?” I pleaded.

“First, you need to come in.” we walked in as he told us to and crouched on the sofa located in the middle of his living room. The fireplace was lit with a warm glow. I could smell fresh brewing coffee from his kitchen. Now I was craved a cup of cappuccino with a dollop of whip cream on top. My stomach growled and Chris looked at me in confusion. Arthur sat down on a sofa across from us without having to bend over. He handed me a thin papered scroll tied with a piece of vine.

“This is a map of the kingdom. It’s not an ordinary map. Right now it is blank because you didn’t give it something to find. If you tell it to show you Isabella she will appear on the paper. The only problem it that the map wont give you specific directions. It will only illustrate pictures of graphics. This will help you find her.” He smiled knowing that butterflies overflowed in stomach. An urge inside my wanted to hug him that I couldn’t resist and I followed through hoping he wouldn’t refuse to accept.

“Thank you so much!” I said as I let him go.

“Emily you only have a certain amount of time until the book closes on you. Keep that in mind.” Once he gave me the most important information of all he turned and shut the door after us. I looked at Chris and starred at him for a long time. He hadn’t spoken to me since we returned in my room.

“I am sorry for yelling at you. You were just trying to help.” I tried to make my voice sound honest.

“It’s ok. I thought she was behind us and would get sucked in.” Thankfully he had such a beautiful voice that no one could ever be irritated at. I hugged him and untied the scroll so we could both observe it.

“Show me Isabella.” I ordered the book and giggled to myself thinking I was crazy. Chris laughed with my mocking everything I said. Before my eyes I saw the book transform and show me a 3-D picture of her. She was standing on a log attempting to cross a river. Her foot was just about the slip when she caught herself and regained balance. Chris looked at me dazed a puzzled to where she might be.

Wind was blowing her silky smooth ubiquitously. The sky above her was painted a sapphire, much like the one on top of us. Her facial expression was worried although she laughed to herself with every mistake she made. Surrounding her was a vast meadow of tall grasses. She fell into them without a care in the world. Somehow she was giving off mixed emotions which confused me greatly. When I closed the scroll my head jerked around to find anything familiar that I saw on the map.

“Hey! I see some tall grass over there! Lets go check it out.” Chris exclaimed pointing north of me. We ran as if we were being chased by furious dinosaurs. I stopped abruptly at the edge of the meadow scanning the grass for any sight of life. Chris did the same. It seemed as if the pasture lasted for miles and could take days to search. We didn’t have days. We had minutes. Already loosing hope I flipped out the scroll and repeated the same words.

“Show me Isabella.” That quick she was chasing a frog down the river bank. I looked at Chris and he knew what I was thinking. On our way here we passed the river just about a mile back. Excitement overtook my body as we, once again, darted into the trees. Then I heard her. She was crying for help. My help.

“Emily! Help me! Help, help, help! Get me out of here!” her voice pierced my ears with agony. She didn’t even know I was here and yet her need for me was everything. I dashed to her within a minute and held her tight.

“Isabella! I, I,” I was at a loss for words as she cried in my shoulder. Then, I started to sob with her. We looked like complete drama queens but the only person who saw us was Chris who stood patiently beside us waiting for our episode to end. He tapped my shoulder reminding me that we only had a few minutes left until the book closed on itself locking us in eternally. With all my strength I managed to pull the both of us up. She gave me a unexpected bear hug then ran ahead of me and Chris. While she regained her potency I want to thank Chris.

“Chris I wouldn’t know what to do without you. Even though you started this mess,” I smiled sweetly and he giggled, “there is no way I could get myself through this without you having a shoulder for me to lean on. Thanks.” I pecked him on the cheek and ran to catch up with Isabella and stay there.

A few weeks past and everything were normal again. Chris and I stayed just friends and my relationship will Isabella increased ten fold! Chris, Isabella, and I buried the book within the floorboards of my basement hoping no one would find it. Attached to the book was a letter written on the back of a leaf. “He warned her about the book. Now it was too late.”


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571 Reviews


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Sat Jun 06, 2009 11:10 am
Esmé wrote a review...



Angie,

Hello and welcome to YWS. This is a terrific writing site, horribly addicting, but there’s also the other side of the medal – to post any story/poem at all, you have to critique at least two other pieces. Same goes for the next and next, and next. So keep that in mind and go out critique.

As to your story, the first thing I noticed is dialogue punctuation. Yes, grammar, nasty grammar, but it’s grammar that makes a story look nice and well-written, not to mention a relief to the eyes. So, dialogue punctuation, meaning the question of comma or period before quotes. There are so many articles on that floating around the internet, google it. Example:

“I like cats.” She said (wrong) – “I like cats,” she said (correct)

That aside, there are “thoughts” – italics usually does the tricks, and a comma if you want to add that someone did in fact think it. And so forth, as with dialogue. Clean up that, and the story will become a much more enjoyable read.

On the other hand, pushing away grammar, the story itself seems fine. There’s a logical train of events, no confusing moments where the reader does not know what’s happening. There’s a plot, setting, characters (although perhaps do build around the characters more, give them more flesh – don’t tells us how they behave and react, but show us that: make us come to our own conclusions bout them).


Esme




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Sat Jun 06, 2009 6:38 am
barney wrote a review...



Hello there!

okay, all the things i edited are in bold.

School was finally over and I was walking home with Isabella. (Again) My nose was eating the scent of crisp muffins from the bakery.

-I don't get that part. Where does the 'again' fit? :)

When my eyes searched frantically for my phone, a few books fell from my arms.


There were standing a few girls from my school.

try, 'There, standing infront of me, were a few girls from my school.'

One by one, they each stepped on my books s if they were playing hopscotch.


Now that I think about it, my mind started backtracking to when I was last at the library.


The hair dangled, layering his forehead.


Mr. Linden asked, already knowing the answer.


There was sadness in his eyes as he said the last sentence.


My mother was in bed, probably knocked out from some beer.


Before school, I made sure I asked my mom if Isabella could come over.


On my way home from school, I was happier than a four-year-old kid in a candy shop.


Emily, it’s a dangerous book.”

-She didn't introduce herself to Chris yet but he already knew her name.

Chris and I laughed over our shoulders, then fell gently on the ground beneath us.

-you have other similar mistakes, but i just pointed this one out.

This is a very intersesting story you got here. But you need to try editing it again. You missed a lot of commas making it look like run-on sentences. You also constantly compare things, like, 'It is as if her store is a giant magnet and the customers were helpless paperclips'. Try shortening your story because it's a bit long and some readers don't like reading something too long. Make it into chapters so more people will be more interested.

Nice story. Please continue. And don't hesitate to PM me if you want a more detailed review.

-barney :)




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Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:50 pm
BondGirl007 wrote a review...



This is a good story, it does need some tweaking though.

"Hi Mom. I will be heading upstairs. Do you need anything from me?” My voice sounded angel-like as if I needed a reason for it.
“Yeah I do.” Said her mouth with a harsh tone,“There is a list of chores on the counter. Do them all and be down to set the table.” Each chore was finished exactly before 5:50. Dinner would be in twenty minutes which means I would have to set the table soon. The sun gleamed through the window of my bedroom. I could feel the interaction between the sun and my sweatshirt fighting to keep my cool pale skin warm. The sunlight found something else. My book bag.


Her mouth should not be here, you are talking about the tone of her voice, not her mouth.

When I was collecting my books up I forgot that my phone rang. The screen said, “ONE MISSED CALL.ONE NEW VOICEMAIL”. I listened to the voicemail first. Mr. Linden called to remind me about my library card he had.
“Man! I forgot about it.” I said out loud but to no one in particular.


When you say I forgot that my phone rang, I didn't quite get what that meant. Also I would just remove the but in that last sentence.


Without hesitation I drove my teeth straight for the olive green plant. It was so strong but I know I was stronger.


Here you can take out the so in so strong. You need to add apostrophes in you're don't's. I would have liked this story better if you gave more description of the characters, and a little more adventure. Also I didn't like it how she was just all of a sudden very close to Chris. This would be great if you added on to the plot a little more, and put some more depth to the main character. Because in order to really love a story, you have to love the main character.





The very worst use of time is to do very well what need not be done at all.
— Benjamin Tregoe