Published February 20, 2010
Your body whispers lavish habits
Such as your lips whispers you may not have this.
Your dark brown eyes are beautiful as they are dangerous
It brings one to be very curious and cautious.
Being drawn into your world, I seriously doubt I will perish,
Holding you is not enough
I must also love you with trust for you create passion and lust
Your hands are so soft you can mend a broken heart
I do not wish for us to part only to get back to the start.
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Hero here!
I slightly disagree ClaraKingofSnow. But I love your poem and don't want it changed. So instead, let's get the title. *LIKED*
I love-love-love your first line, but the rest kind of fell apart for me. What you really want to show in the poem is passion and lust, yeah? So get PASSIONATE. Get LUSTFUL. Write like you've never written! Your first line says "This is a bad ass poem and you better believe it!" Your second line says "This is a good poem and you better believe it." And the rest says "I gave up." Everybody thinks that passion and lust and love and feelings are dangerous. So tell me why it turns YOU on? Why are you NOT afraid of being loved, in the most physical and basic sense of the word?
Structurally, "whispers" should be "whisper", "brown eyes are beautiful as they are dangerous" should be "are as beautiful", and everything else should just be rewritten because it sounds awkward and forced.
A good sign, though, is that I don't think the rhyme scheme sounds like it should be in a childrens book, but I do think that the rhymes, when rewritten, should be slightly off and not complete rhymes as they are here.
If you have any questions, PM me.
-Clara