by angeli118

  • Novel / Chapter

Published January 4, 2010

Comments & reviews · 5
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qtbubblegirl
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qtbubblegirl commented Comment · Sep 7, 2010

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qtbubblegirl
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qtbubblegirl commented Comment · Sep 7, 2010

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qtbubblegirl
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qtbubblegirl commented Comment · Sep 7, 2010

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angeli118 Comment
angeli118 commented Comment · Jan 4, 2010

Yeah, it's more like a prologue kind of thingy-ma-jiggy..

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hero
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hero wrote a review Review · Jan 4, 2010

I like it, it has quite a good start.
One thing I'd suggest is lengthening it a bit. After all, if it's a chapter, it should be at least 1,500 words, I think.
Second, all quotations have to have a line between them. For example:

“Yes, I guess you’re right.” Suddenly she sat up straight in her seat, “Well, you could always come back to live with me…” she said, looking around at the gold patterns on the ceiling.

Should be:
“Yes, I guess you’re right.” Suddenly she sat up straight in her seat.
“Well, you could always come back to live with me…” she said, looking around at the gold patterns on the ceiling.

Then, its a lot less confusing.
But, yeah. Make it a little longer, and I'd say that, yeah, it does look out of a book.



Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning