by angeli118
  • January 3, 2010
  • Novel / Chapter

Comments & reviews · 5
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qtbubblegirl
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qtbubblegirl commented · Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:49 am

Deleted for Spam.

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qtbubblegirl
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qtbubblegirl commented · Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:48 am

Deleted for spam.

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qtbubblegirl
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qtbubblegirl commented · Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:35 am

Deleted for Spam.

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angeli118 Comment
angeli118 commented · Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:45 am

Yeah, it's more like a prologue kind of thingy-ma-jiggy..

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hero
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hero wrote a review · Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:28 am

I like it, it has quite a good start.
One thing I'd suggest is lengthening it a bit. After all, if it's a chapter, it should be at least 1,500 words, I think.
Second, all quotations have to have a line between them. For example:

“Yes, I guess you’re right.” Suddenly she sat up straight in her seat, “Well, you could always come back to live with me…” she said, looking around at the gold patterns on the ceiling.

Should be:
“Yes, I guess you’re right.” Suddenly she sat up straight in her seat.
“Well, you could always come back to live with me…” she said, looking around at the gold patterns on the ceiling.

Then, its a lot less confusing.
But, yeah. Make it a little longer, and I'd say that, yeah, it does look out of a book.



With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.
— Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus