Published May 15, 2012
Chapter 1:
“I didn’t know her very well,” I didn’t know the voice. I didn’t want to know the voice of the boy who found me here, I didn’t want to know him. Why were they even at a funeral for someone he only met a few times? I looked at my reflection in the shallow water in front of me and at the two bright yellow roses I had taken out of one of the arrangements that had laid in front of her grave. I remember how mad I was that they used yellow in the arrangement, it was a funeral after all and things were supposed to be muted and sad. “She looked like you ya know. Gorgeous, just like you.” He spoke again in that unfamiliar but strangely soothing voice. I thought again of my mother the last time I saw her that summer night that we had been dancing around the kitchen purely for the celebration of summer laughing and singing. I looked nothing like her. He was right, she was gorgeous. She was tall and skinny with long blonde hair, so contrary to my brown hair. She had glowing blue eyes with golden flecks that seemed to ignite when the light hit them correctly, unlike my eyes that where brown lined with dark smoky black. My mother looked like Barbie, and I looked dull, ugly in comparison, ordinary. I said nothing to him. “Please say something,” he pleaded but I had nothing to say to this stranger. I listened as I heard him walk away with a sigh. He was gone and I was glad I was alone again. I hated that someone had found me here, this one place hidden so carefully from the rest of the world with all of its thorny bushes and foliage that made me invisible to anyone walking by. I tore off the yellow rose petals letting them float to wherever the tiny stream led to. Who are you? Who are you, that you think I look like her? Who are you? My mind drifted like the stream back and forth from the faceless boy and to my mother. Neither thought was pleasing at that exact moment nor was the idea of others finding me. I left the stream heading again toward the graveyard before people began to realize I had even left.Yellow Roses and a Voice by the Stream
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this makes for a very intriguing first chapter there....things getting to off one of the saddest starts that you can have here in this story...anyways, before I move onto that, I need to talk a bit about the formatting here, and more specifically the lack of paragraphing. You really need to get a few of those in here because at the moment not only is your first chapter just one paragraph, its also a big clump of text that's not particularly easy to read, and it really restricts the flow of the story too.
Moving on from this, we see a child that has just lost her mother by the looks of things, and is suffering quite a bit as a result of that one and it also looks like this one thinks that her mother was so much better than her and I detect almost a sense of guilt here for this person wondering why they're alive but their mother isn't. The boy here is an interesting character too, someone that would randomly appear and leave flowers and compliment this person seem very interesting and raises a lot of questions here, cause it is very much out of the ordinary.
Overall, besides the formatting issue, this is a really good first chapter here, it gets my attention pretty well and it seems like something that would make me want to read more of this story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I like this story a lot, but honestly, it's a little confusing. You left out commas in a lot of places that they needed to be, so it took away from the writing a little bit. Why didn't the girl want to know him? I think that it's a little weird that some guy she "doesn't know" is talking to her at her mother's funeral. Then it seems like she does know him because she says "Why were they even at a funeral for someone he only met a few times?" which implies that she did know who they are, but had only met them... a few times. Maybe those things will be cleared up later though? Anyways, here are of few suggestions/things I noticed.
You said "Who are you? Who are you, that you think I look like her? Who are you?" and I like the repetition thing you have going, but I think the "that you think I look like her" is a little iffy. Maybe try "Who are you to think I look like her?" or something like that.
You also said "Why were they even at a funeral for someone he only met a few times?" Who is the "they" in the sentence? Because then you say "he" only met a few times.
Overall I like the story a lot and just think it needs a little editing. Great job and I hope to see more!!