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Hi, Angela!

So agree with the previous reviewer in that we really didn't get a glimpse into what makes your character, other than she's at a college for, uh, horse riding (Forgive me, I don't know the term!)

What I see instead is you putting (some) level of detail into things that really don't need too much detail at all. While it's nice to know that a character has jade green eyes, it's also not necessary and I'd much prefer to have insights into her personality than to know what color her eyes are.

I also see a lot of telling instead of showing. Like, for instance, we're being told that this school is prestigious instead of being shown that it is!

So in a nutshell, more insights into your character, showing, and less telling. I really did enjoy your writing style, and definitely think you have something going here for you! =) So feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

Sachi

Hello there! My name is Hawk and I'm here to review.

First off, I should just tell you that I love horses, so I'm excited to see where you take this! So far the description of this school sounds like just the sort of place I'd want to go -- I love that the houses are all named after the colors. Very clever. ^_^

All right, so this was fairly short and therefore I didn't have a lot of time to get to know much about Jamelia. I've deduced the fact that she is a math whiz of sorts, and obviously loves horses. I've got a pretty good idea of her appearance, and you did a good job with not cramming all of the physical descriptions in at once, as sometimes happens.

Aside from those few facts, though, I don't have anything else to picture, and that's important. When you start a story, part of the challenge is making the storyline intriguing and hooking the reader's interest, so they'll keep on reading. The other part you have to consider is your character, especially your main one. After all, this is the person that the reader will be embarking with on whatever adventures are in store. This is the person we are going to get to know the most, since we will be privy to their thoughts, dreams, and challenges throughout the story. So you really want to get a firm grasp on who they are, how they're going to react to different situations, and how you can make them be as realistic and true to their personality as possible. Humanizing your characters can be a tough thing, but adding in little details and quirks can help.

So, getting back to Jamelia, let's have a little more insight into her characteristics. Show us how she interacts with more characters; tell us what she's thinking about, why she's so anxious to get out, what she's feeling and sensing. It's amazing how much you can portray just through some sensory description.

Now, something I was a little confused about was the way she got out of class to go see who her roommates were. Shouldn't that have already been assigned and known before classes start? You mentioned that this was a college, and usually you find out where you're staying and who you're living with well in advance. Generally, college freshmen move in about a month before classes actually start, so they can get acclimated to their new environment. So unless Jamelia enrolled late, or this college has a different process, she really shouldn't be finding out where she's living this late.

All right, so that's all I've got to say. This has some good potential and I'm very interested to find out where you're taking this story! Please let me know when you post more, and don't hesitate to contact me if you've got any questions or whatnot.

Cheers!
~Hawk