He was just lying there. Doing nothing. Torak’s dad was on the hard, cobbled ground with dig marks and slashes across his face. Torak felt helpless, with himself in immense pain, he couldn’t feel his body move. The bear was far gone by now, but the air was thickened with its deep growls. Torak was just a young boy and loved his Father deeply. Why did this happen? Thought Torak.
It started off as a normal day, but then, out of no where this big bear came, using his massive growl to scare the crew away. Torak was stepping away from the grizzly bear not making a sound, as he got further away, his father got closer, holding his knife for a shielded, but it wasn’t enough as his father was attacked by the creature every move made Torak want to scream. The bear slashed at his father and then all of a sudden, he fell to the ground and the bear ran away.
Torak had a tear in his eye, just thinking about it made him shiver.
“Torak… I want you to move away from this place, where danger is no where to be seeked.” Fa said. A stutter in his voice.
“But Fa… I’m not leaving you,” Torak replied hopelessly.
“It’s the only way you’ll get out alive, I want you to make your way to the Mountain Of Spirit.” Answered Fa.
“No, I told you I’m not leaving you.” Torak’s voice thickened.
“Yes, you have to trust me on this one, now hurry, I shall start the death journey soon, take this knife, it’ll bring you luck on the way.”
Just the sound of the death journey made Torak grit his teeth, to stop the tears flowing. Torak had to trust his dad on this one, else, he’ll be next for the death journey.
“Fine, I don’t want to do this… but…. I guess, for you, I have to. But how will I know where to find this Mountain Of Spirit?” Torak wondered, sighing.
“Your guide will find you along the way” he sniffed the frozen air, “Now, you’d better start heading north, and I can just smell the beast coming. Now go,”
Guide? What guide, I’m so confused. Torak thought.
“I’m gonna stay here until you die, I want to stay here, with you,”
Torak had a wonderful life, with plenty of food provided and a wonderful family. This seemed so delirious to him. Torak could feel his flesh burn after putting salty water on the grazes he had from the beast. Torak breathed heavily.
“Fa, the death journey, is it… painful?” Torak wondered.
“Right now, yes, but I don’t want to think about pain, it makes me want to scream,”
Torak wanted to murder the beast who did this. He felt like yelling, attracting the bear and getting it to kill him. His dad didn’t deserve this, he done so much to help Torak in the past years, finding food for him and also finding shelter and building it, which took many days to find the right wood. It just didn’t seem right to do this, leave his dad to die while he finds a mountain that he doesn’t even know what it’s for. But right now, he didn’t care. Fa started breathing heavy and slowly shut his eyes. Torak had a tear in his eye. Torak had never cried in his life before, this is all new to him. Slowly his dad passed.
Torak wiped his eyes, got out his compass and started walking. Trudging through the filthy dirt. He had no idea what lied ahead for him. . .
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140,929 Literary Works • 673,752 Reviews
Hello there, sorry I'm like 4 years late to the game. Renn here, and if the name didn't give it away- I'm a bit of a Chronicles of Ancient Darkness fan.
Have a nice day!
So bear (AHAHA) with me. I'm a bit of a harsh critique of fiction surrounding my favorite series, but because you like Wolf Brother too, I'm inherently endeared to you.
I think this is enough like the opening scenes of the first book that it seemed a bit superfluous. It really just felt like another draft of the chapter. Maybe I was just expecting more original content/ideas, and while I don't particularly enjoy where most fanfiction ends up, I can appreciate some of it.
Now on to the small details...
You switch between calling him Fa and Father. I think it should either stay one or the other, or put 'Father' in lower case, so it's more of a title and less of what he's called by Torak.
There are a couple things I found a bit wonky, fact wise. Wood was gathered all the time. Firewood wouldn't have been too tremendously difficult. And their shelters weren't nearly permanent enough to warrant finding extra wood for them. Also the salt water- they're in the middle of the forest. No salt water around. So unless you're changing the venue of the bear mauling, I'd suggest another way to describe the pain.
However- I did find one moment in this remarkably endearing. In a way only Torak can pull off being childlike and mature, the innate curiosity of his question "“Fa, the death journey, is it… painful?” Torak wondered." was adorable, in that sad sort of way. However, I'd change wondered to whispered, to keep the gravity of the situation.
Thanks for loving Wolf Brother! That makes you cool in my books.