Germaine stood on the front porch of a vacant house. In her arms weeping softly was Levin, her boyfriend of three years.
“Please don’t cry. It’s okay you can come visit,” she stroked his beach blond hair. It was damp and matted around his eyes. He had been like this for hours the tears never ceasing. If he kept this up she’d soon be joining him too. She began to shake and he pulled away.
“I’m sorry Germy.It’s just” his voice trailed off. “I don’t want you to leave. Please stay. Stay with me?”
His blues pleading she looked away.
“You know I can’t. It’s not the end of the world baby. We’ll see each other weekends and holidays. Until next year, then I’ll come back.”
“Promise?”
“I promise, I love you.”
“I love you too Germaine McCarthy. I really do.”
The car honked and with one final kiss he watched her walk away. Auburn hair trailing behind her, he could see the tears in those chocolate eyes.
“Would she ever be the Mrs. Myers he hoped for,” Levin whispered. God I hope so he thought.
Germy had never noticed, but behind that lean back a tan hand gripped something. A small bowed box. It left an imprint in his palm. Inside lay a diamond engagement ring. It wasn’t a big diamond but Levin had spent the last four months working double shifts to pay for it.
The tears began to flow again.
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Bryn paced back and forth. Small indentations beginning in the maroon carpet, his pet tapping against the glass. Bryn dragged his feet forward and laid a hand on the perforated lid. In a hush tone he spoke.
“I’m sorry my beauty. But if I let you out now you’ll jut want to roam and hunt. And we don’t want you scaring our new neighbors now do we?”
"No we don’t the thing mentally hissed. She’s your queen isn’t he?"
“Yes… maybe all I know is that she will change me for a lifetime.” If he only knew how much.
“She will be mine.”
“Will you still love me the thing hissed again.”
“Of course I will. You made me what I am.”
“I’ll be back soon my pet.”
And with that he went to await his night queen.
“ I shall wait.”
Bryn sat there a serene look on his face. Velvet hair shimmering in the moonlight his eyes glared as the BMW pulled up.
She was here.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
No no l gladly accept the crlticism lol l juzt came up wlth thlz today.
It's supposed to sound weird I don't want to give away what he is talking to untill the next part.
Hey angel!
You need a comma in there: In her arms weeping softly was Levin, her boyfriend of three years.
I also don't like that opening line. Front porch. Vacant house. Yes, but this is a case of telling and not showing - give us real imagery here, describe this all, give us a real sense of just how vacant this house is, make us really feel the presence of this place. As it is, the intro is quite dull.
"Please, don't cry. It's okay, you can come visit." She stroked his beach blond hair. Unless you meant beech - but, in reference to what? What is beech?
"He had been like this for hours, the tears never ceasing. If he kept this up, she'd soon be joining him too."
"I'm sorry, Germy. It's just," his voice trailed off.
Bad ellipses! Sorry, I'm not a very big fan of ellipses. I think periods look much nicer solitary. I support single periods! ^^
"Please, stay."
His blues pleading, she looked away. And blues? Blue eyes? Blues sounds like the blues - the music.
"You know I can't. It's not the end of the world, baby."
That first person bit at the end is out of place. Put it in italics and add ", he thought." This will make it fit with the third person you've got going.
had = head? hand?
Ooh! Don't do that second person, "as you could guess" bit. Don't reference the reader here. It doesn't sound good, and stands out.
Commas
You need to study commas. You seem to not know where to put them, or when to use them. I suggest reading this article for help: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic32440.html Get a real sense of comma use.
Description
You need to add more descriptions, especially in the second part. The second part is mainly dialogue - something is hissy, some guy named Bryn is talking. It's hazy and strange - where are they? Describe the room, describe them, describe their voices.
I hope I help - sorry if I sound harsh!
PM me if you have any questions.
~ Clo