Published August 17, 2008
( not my photo found on photobucket)
Don’t let the troubled thoughts
Seize you existence
Gone from me, for an eternity
I couldn’t breathe
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
It does need a lot of work
Actually i made this for a fried to wake the em up to realty!
Now that i look at it again it needs some sumstancial tweaking before i can show him..
[quote="angel"][img]http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll221/deathXnoteXluver/donteverleaveme.jpg[/img] ( not my photo found on photobucket)
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With out you
I’d die>>> TOO OBVIOUS
Wither away till time was distant
Shatter into a million pieces>>>MANY PEOPLE USE THIS GIMME SOMETHING NEW!!!
Don’t let the troubled thoughts
Seize you existence
Gone from me, for an eternity
I couldn’t breathe>>> I LIKE THIS IT'S REALLY GOOD
Loosing you would mean the end
My heart can’t take another pin>> DON'T FORCE IT, LET IT FLOW
So please don’t leave stay;
Stay with me>>> SORRY VERY WEAK ENDING.
…I’m on my knees
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Hello, now before I start ripping apart your poem know I don't do it to be mean but to help you. this part of the poem
Don’t let the troubled thoughts
Seize you existence
Gone from me, for an eternity
I couldn’t breathe
I loved it, the bad part about it, it's the only good paragraph in the entire poem. Something that's new and fresh like putting a band-aid on a broken heart or trying to duct tape it. I feel like I should be saying this poem was ok but there's nothing really new here. So someone leaves. Boo hoo! The reader is going to want to know. Why should I care? What emotion effect does this have on me? Again I'm sorry if this is rude but truthfully I'm just trying to help you, no hard feelings. The beggining and end don't really have a strong start like BAM!!! When really it should. Again sorry if this was harsh, good luck, keep writng.
as always
-Max