z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Allegory Installment 1

by anelidefanif


It is a hot, dry day; everything is suffering under the intense heat of the sun’s rays baking to a crisp and frying to a blackened pile of ash. A lone figure dressed in brown zooms up the road towards the center of the prairie where the city stands shining in the hot afternoon sunlight. I imagine I am that figure, not a hero and definitely a not a known person. But for all the worth in the universe I am priceless, and a person who was free from any bond until today.

Before I get into my narration of how I got these bonds, I will tell you a little about myself. I am Roahan a fifteen-year-old Freeone from Coa, an adventurer who wants to help others. You see, my Father and Mother were part of the Freeone organization, and what their job required for them was to help others and teach those people to help others as well. I somehow got involved with this too as I was a Freeone born and made, trained and destined to help Coa keep its liberty even with Orsed military invading.

But today I lost my future as the Orsed military took complete control, a sad thing to contemplate as I was born free to free parents. Even if the Orsed had taken our house, we would have still been a family and I would have had a future; as Father had said ever since I was little.

“We are family; a priceless thing indeed as Phos himself has adopted us into his Forever Lineage.” But they did not take our house or anything of my possessions, they took my family and my destiny as part of the Freeones; leaving me alive and put in bondage as a fugitive.

Here I am now, a fugitive standing in the hot sun of a mid-day on the prairies with my brown cloak folded beside me baking in the heat of this oven, fearing for my life and my destined goal of seeking the Jurishaon Mentors.

“They are still alive,” I murmur as I stand here searching the horizon for rainstorms to cover up the full light of the moons tonight longing to be home and in my Mother’s arms.

The Jurishaon are not all dead and my Father knew it, so why can I not trust in the Being called Phos to lead me to where they might be still living? I think as the rainclouds I need are on the horizon.

“I need to trust and I will trust; there is nothing else I can do but wait,” I say to myself as I draw out my father’s friend’s old weapon called a torch.

It is a most mysterious thing this weapon and I am ready to use it, the handle glowing faintly in my hand as I command a mysterious power which lights up my hands and can cause light around me to bend and refract about me in any way I think it should be able to. I am ready, not as a Freeone but a fugitive, ready to break the invisible bonds that ensnare my wrists. Now all I have to do is wait till nightfall when my three days of evading Orsed will finally be over, and when I can get the wound I have on my leg treated…


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
351 Reviews


Points: 11482
Reviews: 351

Donate
Sun Mar 04, 2018 1:49 pm
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, Kanome here with a review as promised. Let's get started, shall we?

Nitpicks:

It is a hot, dry day;

You had the letter 'I' in bold... did you mean to do that? If so, let me know, okay?

Improvement:
Your character speaks about being free and wanting to help others. Are you able to explain how him and his family got to this business in future chapters? Also, since this is written in first person, maybe you should dive deeper into the character's mind? That's just my opinion though.

Overall:
This was actually interesting to read, and somewhat different than what I usually read. I might keep this in my tabs of things to read if you continue to update your chapters. Great job. Keep up the great work, can't wait to read more of your story. Keep writing and have a great day!

- Kanome




anelidefanif says...


Thanks for your review Kanome. This work is formatted in the way it looks in my novel. This is why the 'I' was in bold typeface. Also, this is a setup of the world/prologue, and the next chapter deals with the character and his mind. This story is his journey into the world of Coa, witnessing the events of this novel.

Have a good day!

Sincerely,

anelidefanif



User avatar
498 Reviews


Points: 5966
Reviews: 498

Donate
Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:48 pm
View Likes
Que wrote a review...



Hello anelidefanif! I hope you’re having a good day. :)

Okay, I’m going to get right into this review and sort of take it paragraph by paragraph before giving more of an overview. You’re grammar is technically fine, but throughout there are sort of weird phrases that you might want to consider reorganizing, so watch out for those. See if some things in there are written the way you would actually say them or not!

A lone figure dressed in brown zooms up the road

Is the figure literally zooming, like flying? Or is he/she zooming on some sort of transport instead? If so, would it be a horse or more like a hover-craft? It might be good to specify here, just to flesh out the setting a little bit, since we don’t know much about it.

I imagine I am that figure, not a hero and definitely a not a known person.

I think you could elaborate on this. Add I “a nobody” or “free” or something to clarify why the narrator wishes to be this person. One more quick line might give it some more direction.

But for all the worth in the universe I am priceless,

The first part of this doesn’t really make sense; maybe I’m not reading it right, but there might be a different way to get the point across.

Even if the Orsed had taken our house, we would have still been a family and I would have had a future; as Father had said ever since I was little.

“We are family; a priceless thing indeed as Phos himself has adopted us into his Forever Lineage.”

I think you should make this one paragraph, so that the quote stays together with the father who said it. That way it’s a little less confusing!

so why can I not trust in the Being called Phos to lead me to where they might be still living?

Earlier, you simply refer to him as Phos. It doesn’t really make sense not to call him simply Phos here as well. There could be a little description tucked in like, “Phos, the Great Being, was supposed to guide us”, but stating it this way in the narrator’s thoughts doesn’t quite fit.

Now all I have to do is wait till nightfall when my three days of evading Orsed will finally be over, and when I can get the wound I have on my leg treated…

I think you need a bit more of a decisive ending here. It gets intense, and the narrator starts thinking about being able to escape, but then it ends on getting the wound treated! That just seems a little anti-climactic, and is probably not the best way to end the chapter in order to get people to keep reading. Just saying, “...will finally be over, and when I can at last be free” or something of that nature might be a little bit stronger. :)

Character

Okay, so I wanted to talk about the narrator for a little bit here. He has the weapon of his father, and we know his name and that he’s fifteen. He wants to be free. It’s the first chapter, so he doesn’t need to be fully developed yet, but it might be good to know a bit more about his intentions. What will he do when he’s free? Is he getting revenge? Is he returning home? Is he saving people? I think that it gets a little lost under all of the information you’re trying to push out in the first chapter, which I’m going to talk about next. Remember, you’re narrating this in first person! That gives you the opportunity — almost responsibility — to delve into your narrator’s mind. Everything in this world is being seen through his eyes! You can definitely use that to your advantage. Things can really be up close and personal, and the narrator should not be distant from the things he’s experiencing.

World Building

One thing that I thought was a little problematic was your information management. You gave us a lot of information here without giving us much at all. What I mean is, you put out a lot of technical terms — specific groups, peoples, and countries — without enough background to understand what they are. You introduce a bunch of names without showing the readers their relevance. The Freeone — If they’re from Coa, they’re probably more a group than a nationality, right? But you could specify “the nation of Coa” or something akin to that in order to give some more background. Or, even better, “the desert nation of Coa” to give further detail without making it seem like you’re just listing information.

You could also characterize each group a little bit. What’s the importance of the Freeone people? Was the Orsed Millitary thing an isolated issue or are they taking over the world? Who are the Jurishaon Mentors, or who told Roahan about them? It’s his destiny, but was it a prophesy? Something his father told him? You can easily weave in some little things in here to give a smidge more background without giving a lot away yet. Just enough to, well, be enough. :)

Last for this section, I’m still not entirely sure what type of world this is. Swords or laser guns? You’ve got this under both fantasy and science fiction, but not a lot in this chapter has told me what to expect in that range. You describe the torch weapon, but I can’t tell if that’s more magic and science. Maybe you could drop some hints in this chapter either about magic or technology in order to solidify the readers’ idea of the world. It’s a bit open ended at the moment, though I’m sure you know what it looks like!

In Conclusion

You’ve got a pretty good start — I hope you have a good idea where you’re going as well! Feel free to tag me for the next chapter if you want, or you can let me know if you have any questions. :) Keep up the writing, and good luck with future works!

-Q




anelidefanif says...


Thank you for the review Querencia. It is very neat to see someone review my work. I look forward to posting more knowing someone is interested in reviewing it.
I will analyze and take into account you have said about this particular chapter. Thank you again for the feedback.

Sincerely,
anelidefanif




cron
you ever say spidgit finner unironically?
— FireEyes