Chapter 1/prologue
Koo lives with his parents. There names are Shen his father, and Xia his mother. Koo was born in 1080 a.d. His family isn’t very rich so He eats rice and wheat for breakfast, lunch and dinner almost every day. His clothing is a combination of wool and linen. He’s very playful and enjoys hanging out with others. But he seems to have a little old style accent. Koo also seems to be a little crazy in the head yet be really smart! But His parents are both farmers so he probably won’t be able to get enough money to get a job that this smartness is needed or appreciated greatly. Koo is in school, he always seems to pretend to be a government official. He always wants to be one but he knows his chances are slim. Yet he still thinks he can become one. The same thing happens to him until 5 because, his parents couldn’t afford to keep him in school. So he begins to work the fields with his parents. He really likes to read so he gets books borrowed from old school friends. He takes these books and will read them over and over and over again.
Chapter 2
Koo is in the fields farming with a oxen contraption of some sort that seems to hoe the land. Until he suddenly heard an interesting conversation.
“Did you ever think of being a government official because I always thought it was a respected and interesting job”, said a Man.
“Well I did at one point but now I realize that i'm never going to become a government official but it sounds like a good idea”, said a Women.
The conversation went on and on about the same thing but changed just a little bit. When he was laying in his bed and a water droplet fell from his thatch roof he realized that he was going to become a government official.
Chapter 3
Koo is now set on becoming a government official, he starts to borrow more books and even save up money from farming to buy books on Confucianism(philosophy confucius words and opinion on how life should be lived), Neo-Confucianism(confucianism but changed in a later time then), and Buddhism(trying to reach enlightenment a high level in this religion). He does this to get the money for becoming a government official. Then he realizes that he won’t be able to get the money needed to buy these books so he finds a way to make money. He asks others for ideas of how to make money and recommend selling rugs and silk on the Silk Road. But he figures out that he should invent something and after long periods of research he invents gunpowder a powerful explosive later used in crossbows. after lots of long study and hard work. He sells this gunpowder on the Silk Road in India and gets more money than he needs. Eventually he is able to take the test to become a government official. He passes but he doesn't get to be one en else they need one and he did a great job on the test. Then eventually he becomes a government official due to Lua Ye (a previous government official at a high position similar to a governor) getting killed by a strangling warlord. Now Koo is a government official and moved to a separate state with his family due to the position being opened somewhere else.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi, anel!
This was a neat story! I like that you dealt with China's history! Not many people delve into the Eastern history very much. I also like that you dealt with a farmer. A young lad of seemingly no importance becomes a great historical figure! That sort of story is always compelling.
A couple of things for you to think about!
I think you mean "plowing" here! So, you might mean to say, "Koo is plowing in the fields with his oxen team."
Maybe you can make this play a bigger part in the story? Maybe his accent helps people respect him more and thus makes him a better candidate for being a government official.
Also, what sort of government official does he want to be?
When does he start school? He must have started school very early, since he was taken out at five! Or, was it five years? You may want to specify!
Why is the water droplet important?
I think gunpowder was invented by accident at first! Maybe you can look up what makes gunpowder (some of the materials are used in farming) and make him figure it out on his own?
Why does he need to take a test to become a government official? I know, were I in the government, that I would be excited to have the inventor of gunpowder as an ally!
All right, that's enough questions for you.
Neat story!
keep going
i really like it i hope you post more ; )
Hi, there!
You had an awesome plot to this story! I could also tell you did your research - there were clearly some facts about imperial China in here. Awesome job on that
So... Your grammar in this story could really be improved. Here is a corrected example:
Okay. That's corrected. (Also-you don't really eat wheat ... Wheat is turned into flour. And you don't really eat that :/)
Along with this, you sort of had an info-dump at the beginning. Try not to do this. It just overwhelms the reader, and they can't exactly remember every single fact.
Here is your previous version:
Spoiler
Okay! Moving on from grammar and to format.
Since this is a short story (and since it's so short) you really don't need chapters. Chapters are more for novels or novellas and short stories with more than one part. So I would just take out the chapters.
There wasn't much imagery in this. It was mostly "then he does this" and "and he does that."
You should really add more description: what exactly do things look like? Feelings? etc.
I liked the storyline and plot, though, and your characters were nice too. Please do keep writng, and I hope this helps!
~ EternalRain ^.^
Hey! Rachelle here. Quick note about my reviews: I don't do fluff. I am giving you a REAL review. I don't say anything without a purpose and I don't mean it to be harsh. So let's get started
I enjoyed reading your story, it was interesting. I actually do like historical fiction. You should work on this. It has great potential. I hope you weren't offended by what I said. I'm just giving you what I like, which is an honest review. I enjoyed it, and I hope you make it longer! Good luck! If you need any help, feel free to ask.
This story was interesting. I don't know very much about China or it's customs (Only what I learned in my history class in high school) So I am going to focus on a few different things. First off, there is one big thing. Once or twice in here you switched from present tense to past tense. Mostly when there is dialogue, so you should probably fix that. Next, I found several typos and such in your first chapter.
1) "There names are Shen his father, and Xia his mother". You need to change "there" to "their".
2)"to get a job that this smartness is needed or appreciated greatly". This doesn't sound very good. Change "smartness" to "intelligence" and "needed or appreciated greatly" to "useful and appreciated". That should take care of that.
3) "over and over and over again". This is very repetitive and I don't think it is necessary. Take away one "and over".
4) In chapter two, you need to find out what that plow is really called because it sounds very mediocre.
Other than that it was good
Rachelle
Also, something I just thought of, you might want to review the title. It should be gripping. You don't have to, it was just a suggestion.