Chapter 7
Later in the evening Gransnin was not tired, as he had pretended to be. He just made
the fuss to get back home so that he could get his hands on his mobile phone and
some time without people around him. But as soon as these conditions were fulfilled
his joy was over taken by nervousness. Gransnin held out the parchment which had
Natasha’s number on it and stroked the digits inscribed over it. He had no idea how
to talk or what to talk to the girl he secretly admired. However, he dialed the number.
The bell rang but she was not receiving, making Gransnin impatient. He began to
count the bells, one... two... three...
“Hello?”
A female voice answered urgently. Gransnin felt too shy to answer and a there was
moment of awkward silence.
“Hello? Who’s this?” The voice had an edge of confusion this time.
“Aahhh.. I’m Gransnin Fernando”
Once again he was out of words
Fearful that the latter would hang up Gransnin babbled out:
“We met at my cousin’s wedding today and...’’
But before he could continue further he felt relieved to hear a grasp of Recognition.
This speech was further hindered as Natasha began apologizing instantaneously for
her misunderstanding.
They talked to each other about themselves and what had they had been up to and
about home, school, friends, childhood memories. They continued so easily as if they
had a deep and a very strong relationship with each other. They talked about their
first meeting today and laughed at each other..
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello! TriSARAHtops here to review.
I thought I'd start with a few quibbles I had with this piece:
The wording here is a bit funny, so it doesn't sound as good as it could. You use a pretty sophisticated vocab, which in itself isn't a problem, but it does mean your sentence structure has to be at a matching standard. Personally, I'd keep it simple as '...no idea how to talk to...' or '...no idea what to say to...' because having both isn't necessary, and it makes the sentence sound clunky. But definitely swap the second 'talk' for 'say', because it flows nicer. If you are particularly attached to that second 'talk' then just make sure you include 'about' after 'girl'.
I'm not sure if bell is the best word here, maybe try 'her phone was ringing' or something like that. Also, receiving doesn't work here, because 'receiving' needs to be followed by an object. Try 'she wasn't picking up/answering'.
You need a full stop at the end of the sentence here.
'The latter' is used wrong here. Good on you for trying to incorporate it, but it doesn't look so good when it's wrong. 'Latter' is ued when you've mentioned two things (people, possibilities, places, etc) and you're talking about the second thing you've mentioned. In this situation, just exchange the latter for 'she'.
I think you meant 'gasp', perhaps? And if you're going to capitalise words like 'recognition', just make sure you be consistent about it (but at the same time, not overusing it).
The wording here doesn't sit right with me. You need to tweak it a bit. Could be as simple as changing 'this' to 'his'. Don't think you need 'further' here, because it wasn't hindered in the first place. And I think you could find a better word than 'hindered' that suits the sentence better.
One of my pet peeves is when writers just info-dump by telling the reader everything. You don't have to tell us every word that they said, but include some of the conversation to SHOW the reader that the characters are getting along.
Okay, on the whole, I thought your piece showed promise. It needs work and editing, but your premise is interesting and as far as choosing a sneak peak, this was a great choice as in terms of place in story. The dialogue that you did have was realistic, and I thought that, except for the last paragraph, which you could turn into an entire chapter, potentially, the pacing was good.
Keep up the good work, and if you have any questions let me know!
I like this. There are, however, a few things that irk me about this. For one, the language. I like things with more... "conversational" or "common" wordings. I'd say "cell phone" instead of "mobile phone". Oh, and "girl he secretly admired" sounds like a complex way of saying "girl he liked". This is filled to the brim with complex things like that, so I'd go back and simplify the wording a bit. Other than that, I liked it. The concept of the story intrigues me a lot.