z

Young Writers Society


16+

Chapter One: Lost in the Mall

by andreau413


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Sebastian Quinn was heading to the movie theatre with four of his kids. The Oldest Holly was at soccer practice. He tried to relax making sure to keep an extra eye on William worried that he could suddenly get an asthma attack.

It was his first day off in a month and he was gonna spend it with his kids, the light of his life. After his brother died and then his wife also died everything was falling apart.

Once they entered the mall he looked around looking for the way to the movie theatre. He spotted a little blonde boy crying at the fountain in the center of the mall, Sebastian looked near him for any signs of a parent.

He had the baby bag in the double seated stroller and the baby on his hip the boys were walking next to him. Sebastian made his way to the child and crouched down making sure the boys were with the stroller.

“Hey sweetie are you lost?” Sebastian asked crouching down to the eye level of a small blonde boy crying.

Sebastian had a baby on his hip with gorgeous red hair and three little boys two looked like twins presumingly the oldest out of the four both with red hair but striking green eyes. They were hand in hand with another boy but had light brown hair with the same piercing green eyes.

“Yeah. I can't find my dad.” The blonde boy whispered eyeing the big family suspiciously.

“Do you want me to help you find him?” Sebastain said with a gentle smile.

“My dad said never to go off with strangers.” The boy said.

“Smart man, can I sit with you and we will wait till your dad comes.” The redhead said tilting his head to the side.

“I guess but I'm not leaving this spot until I see my dad.” The blonde boy said nervously.

“Yes of course. What’s your name sweetie?” The redhead took a seat next to the boy and laid the baby on his lap.

“It's Julio. “ The blonde boy said and then started to look at the baby with curiosity swirling around in his light grey eyes.

“Dad… we were gonna go to the movies.” Jayden whispered into his dad’s ear.

“Sweetheart I know. We are going to the movies, we can catch a later time. How about I take you and your brothers to get some ice cream okay?”

“I guess.” Jayden sighed and sat down next to his brothers who were already sitting.”

Sebastian turned to the blonde boy only to see him sleeping, he rested his head next to the baby's head. He smiled and then turned his head up looking for someone who looked similar to the young boy sleeping.

He saw a man in a suit looking around frantically with a panicked look on his face. Sebastian wasn't sure if he was the father because they didn't look related at all. This man had slick black hair and black eyes, he noticed a tattoo on his neck and suddenly got protective of both his children and the one next to him. He pulled the boys close and looked at the guy cautiously.

The strange man’s eyes landed on the red head with all the children and he spotted the blonde boy sleeping. There was relief in his eyes as he got closer to them.

“Young master there you are!” He said happily, the boy woke up and looked around.

“Excuse me are you his father?” Sebastan asked the man eyeing his tattoo.

“No, his father is my boss. He wandered away from us and we have been looking for him since.” The man reached for the boy but the redhead held his hand in front of him stopping him from grabbing Julio.

“Is his father near here?” Sebastian asked.

“Yes he is looking for him near the suit shops. Let me take him to him.” The strange man once again reached for Julio.

“How about I go with you. Then I can make sure Julio gets to his dad safely.” Sebastain held no room for argument as he readjusts the baby to his hip and reached for the stroller he had forgotten about when he got in the mall.

Once he moved the diaper bag, he gently placed the sleeping baby in the first seat and then reached for Julio because beside the baby he looked like the youngest.

“Hey sweetie do you want to sit here while we go to your dad? You look tired it's better if you sit, okay?”

“Yeah okay.” Julio said tiredly, walked to the second seat and sat down.

“Lets go.” Sebastian said, looking up to the guy daring him to say otherwise.

“Okay, lets go.” The man reluctantly said leading the way to his boss.

The three boys followed their dad, the youngest holding onto the stroller while the other two walked by his side making sure that they were in his line of sight at all times.

They reached a suit shop in about five minutes and came face to face with a man with dirty blonde hair. There were many emotions going through that man's head but his face was neutral, stone cold without emotions showing.

Sebastain could see the similarities between Julio and this man immediately he started to feel like this man was somewhat of a horrible father figure.

Finally noticing them when Julio looked up and shouted:

“Dad!” The small blonde boy jumps from his seat and runs towards his dad but doesn't jump in his arms he just stops in front of him and smiles.

“Bye sweetie.” Sebastain said, reaching for his second youngest and sitting him on the chair before waving.

“Thanks for staying with me mister.” Sebastain smiled at Julio’s words and turned to walk away.

“Wait excuse me what is your name?” The father asked the redhead halting his movements.

“It's Quinn, Sebastian Quinn, what about yours?”

“My name is Alessandro Russo and I can't thank you enough for helping me find my son, how can I repay you?” The man said signaling to his men to come closer.

“Nothing really, I'm just happy to help. I've gotta go take my kids to get some ice cream, have a nice day.” Just as he was walking away he was stopped by three men standing in front of him.

“Seriously is there anything? I don't like owing people favors.”

“You don't owe me a thing, just get your people out of my way. They are being pretty disrespectful to a retired commander from the army. As I was saying I've gotta go get ice cream from my kids.” Sebatain shoved past the men and walked towards one of the many ice cream shops in the shopping center.

“Dad you didn't have to be so mean. He was really nice and he stayed with me until Mr.Carter found us and then he walked with us back to make sure you were really my dad. Also did you see how many kids he has like four? That's a lot. I wonder if their mom is as nice as their dad.” Julio rambled as he sat on one of the benches.

“I wonder too. Hey Julio, how would you feel if he became your new nanny?” Alessandro asked, smiling he had a new found attraction to this military man.

“Really!? That would be an amazing dad! The baby is so cute I think he is my favorite. Can he really be my nanny?”

“Of course kid. Anything that you and I want becomes ours.” He smirked and looked back to where the redhead wandered off. “Let’s go, we wasted a lot of time looking around for you. I gotta go deal with some shit with those beggars that come around.”

“Okay dad, lets go. I wonder if he has more kids.” Julio asked as he walked outta the mall with his dad.

“I'll find out. Don't worry your little blonde head about it.” Alessandro said.

XxX

“Please, just give me some time. I swear I'll get the money in a week. Please I beg you.” The Lady was on her knees begging for more time to fix her debt.

“Linda or was it Lydia I understand that you think you're gonna get me my money back in a week or two but let me remind you you had three months and you got nothing. How the hell do you want me to believe you'll get my money back in two weeks?” Alessandro said lazily as he played with a small dagger.

“Please sir. I've got kids, my little Jenny is only 11. I'll find a way to get the money, I swear.” Tears streamed down the lady’s face.

“You got two options here. One I take your little Jenny and she figures out how to get the money, if she's a looker we can get a pretty penny selling her off. Two, we cut you open and sell your pretty little organs to the highest bidder unless they tainted them. You can go to our whore house and shake your ass until you get my money plus interest. Understood?”

“Yes! Yes! I understand.”

“So what will it be?”

“Take Jenny please let me live my life free.” Alessandro grimaced at this piece of shit mom in front of him.

“You are a carp mom, you know that right?” Alessandro said getting up. “I'm gonna take Jenny but you're gonna die shaking your ass in my whore house paying me back. You never pay with your kid even if you are on the line. Take her away boys, make sure she has a warm welcome.”

“NO! Please spare me! Jenny would be better than me, Please!”

“Shut the fuck up, soon your gonna be begging for drugs not mercy.”

Alessandro walked away from the screams and went to find his little brother Lorenzo. Finding the door he knocked and walked when he heard the come in. His brother was working on some papers, probably gun transactions or drug deals.

“In about a week or two this girl Jenny is gonna stay here for a bit. She is 11, don't be rude.” Alessandro said, grabbing one of the papers on his table and reading it.

“You into minors now? Disgusting.” Lorenzo said not looking up, he might be the younger one but was definitely more mature.

“How could you think I would do that, you are a disgrace. Don't worry about taking care of either her or Julio, I'm getting a new nanny.”

“Another one? Just call mom and tell her to take care of them. She loves having little rascals running around.”

“This one is gonna work out. HE is not some whore for hire. Can you believe he saw Julio crying while everyone else ignored him he stopped and waited until Carter found him. He had four kids with him and he still stopped, he's a keeper. Plus Julio likes his baby.”

“Four kids no he aint gonna say yes. Have you even asked?”

“Of course not, I don't gotta ask, okay. He can bring the kids with him, he’s a redhead really cute. Exactly my type.”

“What's his name?”

“Sebastian Quinn. Do a background check for me. He was a commander in the army that will help you narrow it down. Make sure he dont get a wife if he does figure out some way to get rid of her. I want him and imma get him.” Alessandro said as he closed the door and went to find his right hand man.


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Sun Oct 18, 2020 7:25 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Howdy andreau413 and welcome to YWS! Congrats on posting your first work and the first chapter of your novel. If you want to keep posting this story though you'll have to start reviewing the works of your peers on the site.

There was a lot going on in this chapter from the very beginning. I can see an interesting plotline developing in this work but it's overshadowed by all of the extraneous detail. First chapters set an example for writers where they have to choose what direction they want to go. You're presenting 3-5 different ideas here so I would like to see you narrow down the direction of this story before proceeding forward.

Sebastian Quinn was heading to the movie theatre with four of his kids. The Oldest Holly was at soccer practice. He tried to relax making sure to keep an extra eye on William worried that he could suddenly get an asthma attack.

It was his first day off in a month and he was gonna spend it with his kids, the light of his life. After his brother died and then his wife also died everything was falling apart.


The first path presented to the readers is that of Sebastian Quinn. He's clearly suffered some recent trauma and setbacks that is making it hard to take care of his children. We later learn that he was an army commander, a fact that certainly comes with its own mixed up path. Then he has all of these children that are somewhat described but not really explained. And then it ends with him being hunted by a mob boss because the man wants him as a baby sitter.

Very mixed up indeed.

“Of course kid. Anything that you and I want becomes ours.” He smirked and looked back to where the redhead wandered off. “Let’s go, we wasted a lot of time looking around for you. I gotta go deal with some shit with those beggars that come around.”


Russo as a character is clearly the driving dark force in this second path of the story. It's another portion that leads to some confusion with the reader. I know that you're trying to build a very complex plotline but I think the word choice and simple mistakes are taking away some of the force. When you're approaching writing a novel, you have to be careful about how the word choice is going to guide the reader's perception.

Continuing on my last point there's also a lot of issues here with the formatting, especially that of the dialogue. These are your basic simple mistakes where there's misplaced quotation marks or a lack of precise pieces of punctuation. Just looking over punctuation guides on the internet and taking little quizzes is a good way to practice this skill.

This idea is a good start but you need to decide how you're going to present it. You also are bringing a lot of information to the surface all at once when you could slowly present information over time. This gradual release of information would make for a more interesting plot line and would keep more of the reader's attention.

So good job and keep going with this project.
Have a nice day.
- Jack




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Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:32 pm
Soccer23 says...



Good job! this seems pretty interesting! Excited to see where you take this in the next chapters! Keep writing! Please update soon!!




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Fri Oct 02, 2020 8:59 am
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there Andreau - Welcome to YWS! It's great to see that you're already posting work on here and I'm going to give one of you your very first reviews!

Sebastian Quinn was heading to the movie theatre with four of his kids. The Oldest Holly was at soccer practice. He tried to relax making sure to keep an extra eye on William worried that he could suddenly get an asthma attack.

Ok, so you've set the scene pretty well here (though you don't need to capitalise oldest). I like the tension that's already introduced from the possibility of William's asthma.

After his brother died and then his wife also died everything was falling apart.

This information might be something you want to hold off on sharing for a while until we get a bit deeper into his character. At the moment we feel sorry for him but don't really know him, so it might have more impact if you were to reveal it at a later point.

Sebastian had a baby on his hip with gorgeous red hair and three little boys two looked like twins presumingly the oldest out of the four both with red hair but striking green eyes. They were hand in hand with another boy but had light brown hair with the same piercing green eyes.

A little too much information in one go here. Try to scatter it more naturally throughout the chapter.


“You don't owe me a thing, just get your people out of my way. They are being pretty disrespectful to a retired commander from the army. As I was saying I've gotta go get ice cream from my kids.” Sebatain shoved past the men and walked towards one of the many ice cream shops in the shopping center.

“Dad you didn't have to be so mean. He was really nice and he stayed with me until Mr.Carter found us and then he walked with us back to make sure you were really my dad. Also did you see how many kids he has like four? That's a lot. I wonder if their mom is as nice as their dad.” Julio rambled as he sat on one of the benches.

“I wonder too. Hey Julio, how would you feel if he became your new nanny?” Alessandro asked, smiling he had a new found attraction to this military man.

Wow, that's quite a jump. What if Sebastian had a job already?

Ok, so you've got an interesting concept here, though some of the pacing was a bit too quick for me at the beginning - the conversation between Alessandro & Sebastian came off a little rushed. I like the way you've shown Alessandro's character! What a horrible man!

I'm going to keep this one short because I think that's all the comments I have for now, but I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this one as the end of the chapter certainly wasn't what I expected from reading the beginning!

I was also wondering, is 'Lost in the Mall' the title of your novel or just this chapter? I can see how it fits for the chapter, but I'm sure you could come up with something more for the title of the novel :)

Hope this helped! Feel free to ask me if you have any questions about this review or aout the site in general. You can click the reply button below this review or click on my name and it will take you over to my page!

Icy





“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables