Hey there!
This is great. However you could help it a bit by giving it a more readable structure. E.g.:
"...your hand on my shoulder and my breathing too fast and
too unwell, ..."
An excellent idea (the repetition of 'too' works wonderfully), but 'and' is not the important word here. What IS important is 'breathing'. End at breathing and use the enjambement and the suspensive pause to pull the reader onto the next line, like this:
"...with your hand on my shoulder, I breathe
too fast and too unwell..."
That's the other thing. Try not to clutter your verse with participle phrases - they really help to give immediacy to the action, but too many bogs down the reader. Instead, use direct verbs like above.
Punctuation could do with looking at too:
"your arms around me, comforting and real;
another person, the perfect person..."
But that's easily solvable. Do learn how to use the semi-colon; it's so useful and flexible!
Great stuff! 8/10
Gahks
Points: 1564
Reviews: 181
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