Published July 1, 2008
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141,385 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hey there!
This is great. However you could help it a bit by giving it a more readable structure. E.g.:
"...your hand on my shoulder and my breathing too fast and
too unwell, ..."
An excellent idea (the repetition of 'too' works wonderfully), but 'and' is not the important word here. What IS important is 'breathing'. End at breathing and use the enjambement and the suspensive pause to pull the reader onto the next line, like this:
"...with your hand on my shoulder, I breathe
too fast and too unwell..."
That's the other thing. Try not to clutter your verse with participle phrases - they really help to give immediacy to the action, but too many bogs down the reader. Instead, use direct verbs like above.
Punctuation could do with looking at too:
"your arms around me, comforting and real;
another person, the perfect person..."
But that's easily solvable. Do learn how to use the semi-colon; it's so useful and flexible!
Great stuff! 8/10
Gahks
Chaplin - thanks a lot =] I didn't actually show it to him (well I did, but we were both totally drunk and I don't think he remembers >.>) Thanks for your suggestions =] I always like suggestions.
This poem is very nice and meaningful. I love your descriptions and the I love how you immediately set the location so we all get a good idea of the environment. Very good try, I wonder if your boyfriend liked it? I'm sure he did. All that I can really suggest is maybe format it a little more such as set it in verses, and I think it wouldn't have harmed it to make it a little longer, may describe the surroundings a little more, I know that's not the point of the poem but I might have given it a little more depth and a good excuse for your great descriptions but that about all I can say against it, very good well done.
Wow thanks so much! I'm so glad you all liked it =D that makes me so happy.
Even thought its simple, there's a true beauty in its simpleness =) I liked this poem a lot. For a first try at a love poem this was great ^^ keep it up. I think you'll find this genre suits you more than you think
I love love love "love" poems. If this is your first poem of this genre, then definitely keep it up. Also, good imagery. Awesome work!!!
not bad, not bad at all. You have a lot more talent at writing poetry than I do. I somehow end up making poems that don't flow well. Words that don't make very much sense together like...." The dog ran, I came back from the lake." See it just doesn't make sense.
Well anywho, this was lovely. I am a sucker for lovey-dovey stuff from poetry to novels. I have to say though I liked this. It was a somewhat happy peom. Or at least to me. Sometimes I can't find the hidden meaning in stuff.
Continue the good work.
this was my favorite part of this poem. this is good for someone's first attempt at a love poem. pretty cool.
Thank you for all your replies =D responses make me happy.
Ooh, that wasn't intentional =] what artist is it by?
Awww...
I love it! As Max said, your imagery was excellent. I think that was the best part.
Your intro was gorgeous and I heard your voice throughout the whole poem. Bravo!
I must admit, the thing that attracted me toward this poem was the title. After all, it's the name of my favorite song. And I can't think of a better title for this.
You're getting star!
~LIF
Oh. How did I end up here? Haha.
(I don't normally go to Dramatic Poetry. Your poem must've called me here.)
Anyways...
Nice poem. (I didn't spot any mistakes, by the way.) I liked it. It's your first time writing a love poem and I have to say, you did a pretty good job.
When I read it, the scene popped up in my mind. So, you could make the reader imagine the scene. Great job!
Well then,
keep on writing!
-Max.
Aw, I like this. If you are looking to work on it a bit, it might need a little tidying up. But it really is intriguing the way it is. It reminds me a little of my first love poem, but yours is much better!
I like some of the imagery you used and I could really see your vision. Good work.