This is my first topic post here, and the first story that I've ever written down in an actual story format, so it's my debut in more than one way I guess. I want to become better at writing, but for now I am very inexperienced. I have some idea of what's wrong and right with this story already, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to see different things after talking to you guys. Teamwork, yeah? 
The story itself is something just for practice. It's the prequel to some epic fantasy story that I came up with many many years ago...when I was twelve years old. Uh, so here goes? Dx
Hopefully I'm doing this postathing correctly.
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The hot, midday sun glared down on their heads from above them, and the dry sun-baked grass of the clearing crunched beneath their feet as they walked, stood still and then shifted.
“This is the place? What did you want to show us?” The darkest and leanest of the three boys spoke up and wiped sweat from his eyes with the back of his long sleeves. Having a vast appreciation for suspense and the interest that it produced, the taller, fairer boy decided to ignore him for a time before responding. He pretended to be busy with the pack that he had been carrying; he rummaged though it while occasionally sneaking a sly glance at his two companions. The more anxious he made them, in his mind, the better.
The boy who had spoken was the eldest of the three, but was just as easily lead around as the young one beside him. He wore the vesture of the priests, and each of the seasonal garments they wore induced some form of seasonal botheration. Light, silk tunics were worn in the heart of winter and thick, wool robes were worn in the summer. Although the inappropriate attire was meant to inspire piety, in some way the fair boy was not sure of, it mostly succeeded in inspiring weariness and irritability, both of which showed clearly on the face of the fledgling priest as he waited for his friend to reveal his secrets. In truth, he barely looked more anxious than he usually did, but the difference, however small it was, still made the prior boy giddy.
By his side, the youngest of the three boys waited far more comfortably. While his friend was overdressed, he was barely dressed at all. He had started the day fully clothed, and the boy with the secrets to keep could attest to this, for the two of them begun their day within the same household. As the day had progressed and as the sun’s warmth transitioned from mere heat to torridity, he had lost more and more of his clothing. First went one legging, then another, then his jacket, then his shirt, until he was wearing little more than just his trousers, and that was the way that it was with him every day in summer. The woman that they both called “mother” would be upset with him when he returned home that eve. He wouldn’t be allowed to eat supper until he retrieved all his things and he would complain and cry at the unfairness of it all as he usually did, but for now he sat idly, mildly amused, but paying no more attention to one other boy than he did to the other, and paying far more attention to the small insects that crawled in the shade of the tall woody grass beside him.
The fairest boy took notice of this and became annoyed by it. Though he had his hands on them from the moment he set down his bag, he pretended to finally find the bow and quiver that he had brought there with him. Both were exquisite objects, a far cry from the more fundamental equipment of the usual bowmen, and both possessing something expensive and distinctly well crafted about them. The quiver was constructed from fine leather, and embroidered in fine winter’s-green thread with mythology of the Kingdom’s heritage and the fair boy’s family seal. The bow possessed this on itself as well, and the tips of it were dyed the same green as the threads of the case’s embroidery. He set them down on the grass in front of himself and made them as visible as he could. Any allure the insects held and any distraction that wool clothing might have offered in summer was immediately swallowed up by the eminence of the objects that lay before them. The boy priest looked too the objects, to the boy who had laid them down and back again. “Well, these are your father’s things. How did you get them?”
“I snuck them away while he wasn’t looking.” The fair boy set back a little to take his friends’ expressions in.
“You’ll get into trouble.” The boy priest declared. He sat down on the ground cross legged, in part because he wanted to offer himself some respite, and in part to get a closer look. The fair boy smiled.
“Maybe,” he said, “but I’m sure he’ll be too busy praising me to care that I took these without permission. I still haven’t showed you. Look.” He nodded upwards and pointed to the sky. The two other boys looked up cautiously, wincing slightly as the light of the sun reached their eyes.
“What are you trying to show us?” the oldest boy asked. The youngest boy who had keener eyes had already spotted it.
“A Witch’s Path, right?”
“Yeah.”
“What? Where?”
“Look there.” The youngest boy pointed up towards a very particular patch of sky. The precision of that gesture was entirely lost as the priest traced it to some spot in the sky, then back again and again once more, each time failing to pinpoint the location for himself. He sighed. The fair boy, exasperated with their efforts, knelt down beside the priest and turned his head himself.
“I still can’t see it.” The priest rolled his eyes, his voice dripping with annoyance of its own. He sighed even deeper and the fair boy returned it twofold.
“You’re blind! Look for it. It’s where the clouds warp. Over there.” He paused for a moment, and turned his friends head once again more precisely. His hands were now covered in the other boy’s sweat. He wiped them on the legs of his trousers. “You shouldn’t be squinting like that. It’s not that close to the sun.”
“I’m looking…” the boy’s frosty voice trailed off in response. He scanned through the sky once again very quickly, all too happy to avoid the spots where the sun’s light was at its strongest. A bead of sweat fell into his right eye as he spotted the witch’s trail.
Its location was as had been described. It was there where the clouds and sky began to warp; it was the very cause of the aberration. The bends and folds of the forms behind were the only intimations of its presence, and that presence only carried on for about a meter or so until the aberration melded into ordinary sky. The boy was not upset with himself for being unable to see it until now.
He had never known much about the Paths, and was forbidden to speak or hear talk of them as all the other holy men were. While he mostly adhered to this rule, he occasionally disobeyed as he was doing now. He knew that they were roads the witches and their ilk used to travel unseen during day on the occasions they were unable postpone their ventures until night. The paths were barely visible when they were visible at all, and when they did appear, it was hardly ever for a sevennight or even for a day. Most people only saw them once or twice in a lifetime, and whether or not you saw one was usually a matter of one of two things: luck or misfortune, depending on your take, or a gift or a curse of Sight, depending on your take as well.
The fair boy seemed to see its presence as a blessing, and although it was not readily obvious whether the youngest boy saw it as a stroke of bad luck or a blessing, it was clear that he at least thought that it was interesting. “How did you find this?” the priest boy asked.
“With luck.” The fair boy was relived. His friend could see it. He smiled just a little bit and readied his bow.
“Ah, I can guess what you’re going to do with that.” The priest sighed, distressed.
“I wanted you two to be here to watch.”
“You’re going to be just like your father,” said the youngest boy grinning and still staring skyward.
“Hona, he’s our father. But that is the plan.”
“This can only end badly. I think we need an adult.” The priest was almost like one himself as he lectured.
“There’s no point in doing this if I’m just going to be led around by some one else.”
“You already saw a witch-dragon here?” the Hona asked, changing the subject.
“At least once. One flew by when I was hunting here the day before yesterday. That’s how I found the path in the first place. It’s a shoddy one.”
“You really think another one will come by?”
“One oughta. On the day I found the path, one flew by ‘round this time. And the same one came by about the same time yesterday.” He chuckled a little. “I think it has a routine.”
“If this works, my prior will be upset with me.” The priest boy interjected.
“I won’t tell him you were with me. Hona won’t say anything either, right?” Hona nodded.
“But he will find out,” he whined, not entirely convinced of what he was saying himself. Even if the prior took notice of his absence, he’d have little in the way of evidence to link it to the fair boy’s escapades. None of the other priests had seen them together as they wandered off, and the villagers that had would hardly have reason to tell. “Walk back with me.”
The fair boy shook his head and decided to ignore his friend for as long as he chose to protest. Despite the fact that he was being disregarded, and despite the fact that he didn’t want to be there, he wouldn’t leave. He was as loyal as any dog; the fair boy knew this and was willing to take advantage of it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Alright, I got some more feedback. xD
I wanted to enforce and reinforce the fact that it was hot out there, but, as you said, I'm not sure how important that enforcement actually is. And a larger variety of examples would probably be optimal if I'm going to be doing that. It doesn't have to be bodily fluids and sunlight every time, but I'm thinking of other things I could use instead. Chaffing is the first thing that comes to mind, but I hate thinking about it...and it sorta plays into sweat, too... What is the meaning of a summer's day? Dx
Ha6647:
Thank you for pointing our all those things. His "lecture" really isn't a lecture at all, and I don't think it would be a bad idea at all to...do something about that. I gotta think of a better word to replace that.
I due pay a lot of attention to sweat here, and there's even more sweat in the second chapter.
Also, the long sentences. I have very mixed feelings about them that I'm currently trying to sort out. They're kind of bad, but I kind of...love them. But shorter sentences are easier to interpret, and the flow more easily, so eventually, I think I'll go through this and put in some more tiny dots.
I'm glad that you enjoyed reading. :> The characters are quite cliche (they're holdovers from when I was rather young) but I'm hoping to add some different dimensions to them as I rehash this story. I'll PM you when the next bit arrives, and dear god, I hope I manage to deliver.
The age thing sort of bothers me too. I think I need to go back and do something about that when I'm feeling more...writey.
Thank you again. :>
@Jiggity:
Aw, thanks for writing even though you're tired.
I do plan to stop with the no-names thing...fairly soon. One of the boys has already been introduced. Hona is actually the name of the youngest one, and based on your post I think there might have been some confusion there.
I can pretty much guarantee that the normalcy thing is going to get worse before it gets better. But I do plan to add more general information as the story goes through that point. I'm going to write a note to myself to try to avoid info dumping.
One of my teachers once compared pacing to being a particular kind of girl. You can be a cheap slut who gives everything away immediately, or you can be a total prude and never leave any one feeling satisfied. Or you can be girlfriend material, which is somewhere in the middle, and it's definition usually varies from person to person. I thought it was a stupid analogy, and it didn't pertain to anything the class was doing when he mentioned it, but it fits I suppose. Gotta do it right.
Thank you for your words, and I hope you managed to get some rest.
Ack, I'm so tired, but I shall endeavour to leave a comment.
Basically, I disagree with the first few who reviewed this - in that a) it wasn't confusing and b) it wasn't too slow. I think to have described the three boys without using their names, and to have done it so well, is actually impressive. Although, I would hope you have a reason for it and I will tell you plainly that it wouldn't for anything longer then what you posted above.
I'm actually in agreement with what you said - regarding this being possibly too fast. Mentioning the Witch's Path and introducing that new (and I agree, fairly original) concept so soon - along with the religious element of the Hona - and hinting at the social status of the boys, all put together in so small a fragment is a bit risky. You don't want to overdo it. But then, I don't think you have. Just make sure to give us more of a sense of the normality of the day and the village before continuing with that intriguing mention of witches and dragons.
Obviously, with those two concepts, you have to be very, very careful. They are both immensely old, in terms of mythology and legend and they have both been reintroduced and reimagined a thousand times over so there's a very real chance of slipping into cliche. Mind you, from what I can see so far, you've introduced the concept creatively enough, I just hope you execute it as well.
Back to the pacing - in fantasy, its all important. You don't want to go too fast and you don't want to go too slow; don't get bogged down in the details (or world-building as some like to call it) but don't rush it either. Keep it simple and let the course of events shape up naturally. Right now, I think you're doing a very job.
Keep on trucking,
Cheers
Yay for Editing! Okay so most of this IS my oppinion so you can take it or leave it! The stuff in bold is stuff I want to draw your attention to or stuff I ADDED.
This is a minor thing but shouldn’t it be sleeve? I know you are saying both sleeves are long, but it also sounds like he wiped his head with both when I am guessing he used one arm/sleeve to wipe the sweat off, not both at the same time. Small I know...
I enjoyed this, the sneaking boy is quite devious. "Vast appreciation" made me smile, he seems quite developed and smart for a boy. Which does make me wonder about his age...
*takes a deep breath* My what a long sentence! I would recommend making it into two to help it flow better...
This is just me but eve just sounded weird. I would use evening.
Once again this is an EXTREMELY LONG sentence. You love your commas, which is fine but periods are also great.. So I threw in a period there just for you to look at. Up to you how to use it, oh and you used paying in both sentences there, nothing wrong with that bur variety in your words is great. So maybe instead of saying he was paying for more attention you could say, “He was however far more engrossed with the small insects that crawled in the shade of the tall woody grass beside him.”
Okay I can see you’re a fan of sweat
I loved the word “frosty” in this, really helped my hear how he was saying it, and frosty isn’t a word I’ve heard used like this a lot.
So far you have done a marvelous job about using variety in describing the way the boys are talking. Truly wonderful. This was the only one that sounded odd to me. I understand you are trying to bring across the point that the priest boy is very adult like in action and word. You have done a good job of showing that so far, but I would not use the word “lecture”. Mostly because it doesn’t seem to me like he is lecturing at all “This could end badly” may be the start of a lecture, but the “I think we need an adult” is more of a statement. Maybe you could have him say more, and actually give them a lecture. Something like, “This can only end badly. I think we need an adult. You remember what happened last time you tried to do something crazy on your own. We all nearly died! And besides that I got in so much trouble I was nearly thrown out of the temple. If you are even thinking of attempting something like this we need to make sure it is safe, and that....” blah blah blah, I’m sure you get the picture.
Overall
First off, you are an incredible writer. You vary your description of things and are not redundant in the least bit. Your descriptions are good and unique, and allow the read to paint what is going on in their mind very easily. Plus your story is interesting. Was it a bit slow? Ehhh maybe, but stories need to have character and plot development so people understand what is going on and that is what you were doing. You were developing your characters which is what should be going on. Good writers don’t fill their books with just action, they develop the history, emotions, and personalities of their characters so that readers become more connected and attached to them. Which, in my opinion, is what you did. This piece was a great start, and better then a lot of other things I have read on this site.
Now... I didn't find the lack of names was hard to follow at all. You did a good job of identifying the characters right off the bat, and attaching their personalities and quirks to each one so we could identify them. I am wondering about their age however. Their age would help determine how they act and what they say. I am not saying it is necessary, but it would be nice to have a clue about how old they are.
I am intrigued by the whole "Witch's Path". The idea seems quite original, and though i would have loved to hear more about the whole thing, I am assuming that will be coming later in the story.
Your characters are good, if not a little cliche. I assumed that the priest boy was going to be the adult like one at once, and of course the youngest would be distracted and more carefree. Nothing wrong with that, but it was a little predictable, but it seemed to fit what was going on and all.
Overall I have nothing more to say. You did a great job and I'd love to read the next bit so please do PM when you post it! Hope this all helps!
Okay, I was finally able to come back. :O
And thanks, every one, for the input.
And I'm trying to edit this, but I'm having a bit of trouble.
You see, I understand that the lack of proper names is confusing, but at the same time, I don't want to introduce the names JUST yet. If I can, I'd like to find a way for this to work.
I think I'd like more elaboration on what is so confusing about my naming, or my lack of naming rather. If so many people are having a hard time with it (2/3?), something must be up, but I'm not sure about what I should specifically do to fix this, because I'm not really sure that the lack of names is the real problem. In fact, I've read stories where the author never gives the characters names. I don't think the issue is there specifically. I think that the problem is that I'm using this method the wrong way.
I've tried tweaking things a bit to make things less confusing. I figured that terms like "younger" and "older" are bad when there's three of them involved, so I've tried taking those out. Very formulaic editing, I know, but hopefully it does something to smooth things out.
I'd like to be able to just wait, and look at this more objectively at a later date, but about a week has already passed, and I'd feel bad about bringing this issue up from the grave a month later, sooo....here I am.
Thank you for your time, critique and compliments. I suppose it is a bit slow, but I'm glad to read that I didn't bore you all to DEATH. D:
Well I think I have to agree with Moon Jumper on some of this. It was really confusing to read all the way through when you never mention names. Though your personality traits were very good.
Still I agree with cooldude about giving the names.so an equal thing might be a good fix. You dont have to mention name sin the very beginning, but maybe putting them in later on would help. Because it does it a little frustrating when you constantly call them "The fair haired one" over and over again, haha.
Im hoping you expand on this story, it left off with too much still to wonder about
I found that your story was slow, but interesting. I didn't get board halfway through like on some others. The information you gave about the boys was good, it really helped you understand each of their personalities, and because of that I would almost shy away from giving names out to soon. You can tell soon enough who is who from discription, and names would wreck the effect for me somehow. Just my imput. Hope it helps.
Whoa, those problems were totally and entirely unforeseen. Thank you for reading.
And yeah, you got it right. Hona is one of the boys- the youngest one. You thought he was the dad? I'd like to eliminate anything that might have suggested that, but I am really not sure at all how that happened. Oh my. xD
"Not what I would usually have expected. Sometimes there's an info-dump, others it's a flashback, or just something goes on. But, the three guys...just talk and sit around doing nothing."
I really adore that quote, and I suppose that's a good way to describe it. I'm was never really sure about the pacing, and, in all honesty, as I was reading through this I thought things were moving too quickly, and that too much was going on...but that might have just been from my position as the writer? I don't know.
3 guys? I should have put moar implication into the fact that they were supposed to be little kids. Moar I tells ya.
But you also said the beginning reads like a soliloquy? Specifically how so, and what would you suggest to remedy this?
And again, thank you.
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Filling my review quota is something I do, but it's difficult because I never know what I'm talking about in these writer's situations. D:
Welcome to YWS! Just to let you know, that for every post you need 2 reviews. It's one of the most important things around here.
The beginning was a little confusing since there were no name mentioned. Just going on pronouns is awfully confusing and discourages the reader. You might want to inject some names.
The beginning crawled its way through. Nothing really happened, not much dialogue either. It's like a soliloquy but it's the writer doing the talking.
Hona? I was completely confused at that point. I thought Hona was the dad, then he's one of the boys? Which boy? Do I even have this straight?
It was interesting. Not what I would usually have expected. Sometimes there's an info-dump, others it's a flashback, or just something goes on. But, the three guys (the reader still doesn't know their names, which makes it even more confusing) just talk and sit around doing nothing.
You should edit this. Plain and simple.
Don't get discouraged - Shakespeare didn't wake up one morning and say "I'm going to write one of the greatest plays in the Elizabethan Age!" and have the final draft that afternoon.
These things take time. And countless editing stages, drafts, ideas, and nights staying awake til three or four because you just got the best idea ever and had to write it down or else you would forget. Yeah. Welcome to writing.
If you need any help or something, just PM me.
~jumper
Again - Welcome to YWS!