Prologue
"Hoist the sails!", I screamed as the boat thrashed in the giant waves that were so big that they were swallowing the hull of my ship whole. The ship creaked more and more as the ship hit wave after wave after wave after wave. I watched in horror as the sail crashed on to the deck, bringing Bean and Jaya down with it. I scrambled over to them, fearing for the worst. Thankfully, they weren't terribly injured, but now we were unable to steer the vessel through the harrowing storm. As we were in a panic, we didn't notice the giant wave that was coming towards our boat until it was too late.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,162 Literary Works • 674,199 Reviews
Hi, just giving some of my thoughts on your work!
Starting with the good stuff, its definitely interesting. It grabbed my attention well, and I quickly felt immersed with the writing. It also managed to quickly establish suspense with how clearly dangerous and chaotic the storm is written to be, and captures the feeling of chaos well. The phrasing was also excellent, I liked how you repeated "wave after wave" multiple times to emphasize the repetition.
For some critiques, first is just some basic grammer stuff, you should put "Hoist the sails" in quotes to separate it from the narration, and an exclamation point to give it the alarmed tone its meant to be indicating. You also misspelt "Until" in the last sentence of the work.
I would like to critique the end of the first sentence, specifically "they were swallowing the hull of my ship whole." When I read this sentence, the usage of Hull and Whole stuck out to me a bit like a sore thumb, only because of the simularities in the words. You also mention the sail crashing to "The ground," however the word Ground makes me imagine dry land, like dirt or soil, so I would recommend referring to the "ground" of the ship as the deck, or floor.
You've definitely peaked my interest, so to finish off I would like to say that I think your prologue does its job of catching the readers attention perfectly. Hope my suggestions helped!
Hii, Aster this side!!
I'll try my best to give my opinion in the best way I could <3
First, your hook us AMAZINGGG, it instantly grabbed my attention.
Second, I love the way you phrase your thoughts beautifully. You sound like a well experienced writer as far as I've read.
Third, your prologue instantly made me want to read more, it quickly brings up curiosity in the read about what would happen next!
For the improvements, here are my points;
First, you should've used quotation marks for [Hoist the sails] and probably should've used an exclamation mark too as the protagonist screamed the words.
Second, there's a small typo in the last where it's written "unitl" it should've been "untill" But I get it, must've been by mistake.
Lastly, you've used the word "Ship" alot, maybe replace it with vessel, carrier or lifeline (as the ship is quite literally helping the protagonist reach their destination.
Hope this helps!