I tingled when you said it,
For the very first time.
I looked deep in your eyes,
As you promised you'd be mine.
I believed you at first; I trusted you,
Until you broke my heart.
You made me see; I was so blind,
Now we'll have to part.
Althought you hurt me so,
And left me very blue.
I still think of the time,
You said those words,
A simple, I love you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked the poem but I agree with jennafina and RiverGirl, the last stanza doesn't really fit and kinda ruined the poem abit. If you change it it'll be almost perfect.
i like it. the rhyming is great, like jennafina said. it seems really natural, not forced at all. this kind of reminds me of a blues song or something. i like the simplicity of it, but there's a few places where you could use stronger words, like "you left me very blue." but i know that would mess up the rhyming, and i don't think its that necessary to change that part. maybe you could add on to it; its a good poem but seems a little incomplete, so i think it sort of asks to be made longer. also, the title fits the poem well but its not especially intriguing, maybe you could come up with something a wee bit more original. i don't have any suggestions though, sorry(lame i know!
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overall i really liked it. keep writing!!!
It's a little to short for me to get deeply engrossed in it, but I like it all the same. The rhyiming is extremely well done, and doesn't detract from the poem at all.
This last stanza didn't seem to fit in though.
Althought you hurt me so,
And left me very blue.
I still think of the time,
You said those words,
A simple, I love you.
All the added sylables seem to interupt the flow.