Published September 25, 2005
Autumn
One night I grabbed a jar
And took it on outside
I let air fill up in it
Then sealed it up real tight
Later on that night
While lieing in my bed
I grabbed the jar again
And twisted off the lid
I smelled the smell
That autumn sends
I heard the sound
Of the wind
I put the jar back down
And lay back in my bed
To think of all the things
The things that autumn brings[/b]
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,397 Reviews
VERY INTERESTING TOPIC!!!! I love the idea of capturing Autumn in a jar, I love love love love love it!!!!
Although I think this idea would have been better expressed elsewhere, like a story or a different kind of poem , it was still nicely written.
Yeah very cool. I loved this. I just love your idea of capturing autumn in a jar. Awesome, awesome, awesome! Need I say more?
Nice!
I agree with BlackDaisy, but I like the idea of the poem, very origional
I like it! I love autumn and this is such a cool concept. A few small things...
"I let air fill up in it
Then sealed it up real tight"
Might sound better simply
"I let the air fill it up
Then sealed it tight." There were a few other places in the poem where it seems like you're trying to cram too many sylables in and it gets a little sing-songy.
"lieing" should be lying.
I think "Of the wind" would sound better if it was just "Of wind".
The very last two lines seem sort of redundant. Maybe you could just combine them to "To think of all the things that autumn brings"
Sorry if I'm being too nit-picky. Don't get me wrong, I really do like this.