I've been lacking in words
since the day I first laid eyes on you.
They are dry, dull, unclear, and simply left
unspoken.
But tonight the fire inside of me,
has never burned so bright.
Tonight. I've pieced together the words that linger in my mind.
Right now, I realize what I've been trying to say.
The world is a better place because you simply exist.
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140,589 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
This was sweet.
I'm not going to lie, this really tugged my heart because of how cute it was. It's a sweet romance poem that hits it mark in wanting to be adorable. That, itself, is adorable. I do like that. The only problem is that this is a bit too simple and you leave no room for expansion. Possibly you could apply some cute remarks to this mystery person and that would be excellent.
thanks.
Hey there, amieLee16! I can't wait to review this awesome piece of yours. I'll mainly be focusing on style and formatting here, if you don't mind.
Ready? Set? Go!
Content:
Let's start with this. I feel like the awkward tense change--"been lacking"-- in this line makes it a bit awkward and difficult for me to read out loud, and "lacking" is not the strongest word you could use here. Go even deeper with this. Give us a clear picture, like "I've been tongue-tied" or "I've been speechless" or "I developed a speech impediment / the first day I laid eyes on you". As readers, we want metaphor! Simile! Something to relate to and something that we can say easily. "Been lacking in words" doesn't fulfill either of those criteria, in my mind.
I /like/ this first line, but there's a moment when I feel like you're simply listing synonyms. "They are dry, dull, unclear" is boring to me as a reader and doesn't spark any image or feeling. Try something more powerful and more succinct by focusing on one of those words. For example, "They are dry on my tongue, left / unspoken." This communicates the same message, but in a stronger, more memorable way.
This image of a "fire" is really quite overused. It doesn't provoke any new images for me and probably not for a lot of your other readers because it's simply a very common poetic image. Many lyrics and poems use it as a metaphor or a simile or a symbol, and some do it well, but that doesn't make it any less of a cliche. I'd keep away from this idea altogether, for your own writerly safety.
I'd love to hear more of the word "linger". Even though you called the poem "lingering", you only use it once. The repetition, I feel, would make the piece much more powerful, giving it a good (or at least existent) rhythm.
This was a /nice/ ending, but it wasn't as powerful as I think it could have been. This would be a major change, so I don't want to discuss it here. PM me and we'll strike up a discussion.
--
All in all, I think this piece has a lot of potential, and I'd be happy to explore your options from here.
As we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
Hello! Happy #NaNoRevMo !
Now, sorry if this review isn't the longest, it's hard to make a long review when the material is so short, but I'll try my best to have quality!
I love how you said "lacking", it describes it perfectly. Like, it's not like too much, but it's more different than what some people would say, so great job on that
So some of the beginning of lines have capitalization, and some do not. I would either make it all lowercase or capitalize the beginning of every line. Yes, I understand that they're sentences and that's why you did it, it just looks weird :p So no, you don't neccissarily need to change it, just my personal opinion :p
"unspoken" is kind of odd, considering all the other lines are similar length to each other, so it looks out of place. I know you probably just wanted more emphasis, but I feel like you should create a pattern with singled out words, if you're doing poetry and you have a taste of structure, make sure you use it at least twice.
punctuation is weird throughout this poem, read this out loud and try to figure out if you put pauses where it shouldn't be. Just make sure you're checking that!
"Tonight." seems awkward and interrupts the flow, try a comma?
"Simply exist" love that line, cause it's telling me that this person doesn't have to do anything really for you to feel this fire, they just have to exist/live.
Very good, simple little poem. I don't know why but It seemed like a chorus to me :p It would probably have to have a rhyming scheme for it to be though :p But really simple and relatable!
Hope I helped in some way
I like how short and simple this is. I feel like it's relatable in its simplicity and straightforwardness; the conclusion is something that we all could apply to some love we have known.
The pauses are well-placed and it reads very well. I wonder about the contrast in the way you choose to emphasize "unspoken" versus "Tonight." Is there some difference in their significance?
I feel like the line "Right now, I realize what I've been trying to say." is very casual compared to how the rest of the poem feels, which throws it off a bit for me. I understand it is of course crucial to the conclusion, but is there any way you could rework it to fit the rest of the poem?
I really don't have a lot to say on this, it's quite a good poem and I enjoyed it. Would love to read more from you.
-Cairo