This is some of the best I've seen from you in a while. Just wanted to say that.
Dude so my notes first, then I gush over this.You didn't motif the last stanza, so it's all this sudden burst of romantic energy coming out at once, you feel? And so like. I want this motif set up to where it can be christmas lighted throughout the poem and revealed at the end of the block to glamour instead of gaudiness. Otherwise the last stanza is like that wonderful warm ache that you get when you're hurting anywhere and you take painkillers and you're still hurting but now you're warm and you don't care?? Yeah. You did that pretty well, and I think more pristine execution can bring this forward into a stronger showing. Your weakest link, and the best place to motif, I think, is the third stanza where you just use the space to describe habits (nervous or not.) So what do I love about it--aside from the always-Amelie style, you've just brought it fresh with the imagery and setting, really southern and really hitting home with the gravel and river, childhood home by the intersection. Summer nights and the shirts motif.You did it right, Ames. So other than my notes, I absolutely loved this. It's in my wheelhouse, it's in my favorites, it's a winner. Lums
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review this Review Day!This reminds me of one of your earlier poems, or at least, part of it does. The part about the gravel made me think of the one relating to swings, if that was your poem. Moving on from the coincidence, I'm not sure how I feel about the wording of the first stanza. What I do enjoy though is that the first line relates to the title with "we were a hugger and a trend" going from "we were a lover and a friend"-- the transitioning between the two with the rhyme is made almost seamlessly, though I'm not sure how I feel about the wording of the two lines. I suppose it works because I can't find anything better for it, but consider reworking the first stanza for a stronger beginning. I'm starting to believe that it's the third line that's getting underneath my skin since the wording of "with our shirts around our necks" is rather awkward.In the second stanza, I'm not sure if you meant 'summer moths' or if you meant 'summer months', though I wanted to point that out anyway and I'm supposing that it's the former. I see that you're playing around with the idea of punctuation and I have to say that I enjoy it, as the lack of periods save for the ends of each stanza compliments the imagery that you use in the poem. The last three lines of this stanza didn't particularly appeal to me and I have to say that the fourth line could have just ended there and I would have found it just as effective, if not more. It doesn't particularly need to continue and the last three lines tasted like filler when I read them aloud, but that's just my opinion. Perhaps you could experiment with those images in a different or separate stanza if you really wanted to, though I don't see it needing to happen. Both the third and fourth stanzas have a similar to them that I enjoy and I like how you string the poem together with these images that occurred previously and are occurring again for another appearance. The road and the shirts (even though I'm not a fan of the wording of the shirts) and even the first line of the last stanza could appear somewhere else in the poem for more of an effect. What I didn't enjoy, particularly about the last stanza is the repetition of 'and'. I suggest experimenting around with that because it's not all that strong, making the ending less effective. Or at least, that's what I found. If you wanted to end with a handful of lines that addressed the first line and the title I believe that could work if you wanted to make it happen.If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.\
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