Broken

Hey i'm Kassie
you commented on my poem and i replied back to you. I really like your poem as well. I like how you included the feelings into it and how what the other person was like during it. I could see the hurt through my eyes as i read it. But one thing is there any words that you could replace with broken? some synonyms that could be placed instead of that so there is a variety of other words for it? that's all i really have to say about it lol i really liked it

Hey, Berry! Erm..can I call you that? Anyways, welcome to YWS! Knight Subtle here to review for ya!

This is going to be a pretty short review, because a lot of the technical things has already been said by other reviewers. @Deadman, I agree with him that the word Broken has been overused, I think you are trying to write out that echoing ring of broken, shattered throughout your poem which is what it is about. But you have used it far too much, so much that it seems unnecessary and that makes it not as effective as it could have been. So, in poems like this one. Try to be concise with your language and read it over. I noticed you often phrase to broken together, that sounds very repetitive and a mouthful. So I would get rid of one of them or just eliminate both I'd they are not necessary.

However, I really liked the format you have written this poem in it really coupled the content nicely, although this is a somewhat overused topic. I think you have stilled manage to create a very unique, melancholy and descriptive poem here. So good job, but in future works just try and watch out your use of language.

Keep on writing!

-S.s

Sorry for typos everyone my apologises.

I'm Verser, this is my first review so please don't hate.

I'm interested in this TYPE of poetry specifically. I do a lot of rhyming poems (which I personally think is the hardest type) but I've never really tryed this type.

To start, some of the grammar is off, but thats okay, we're not perfect. I'm not sure if this is by accident or on purpose, but I noticed, as you read the poem, it begins to tell a story. Thats what I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE about your poem, I take that as a good sign of a developed mind.

Secondly, I like how you describe your poem. It gives me a good strong idea of what you are talking about. By the end of this story I had a tear in my eye (metaphysically, I never cry). The second thing I really love about your story is that it has a philosophical look at depression. I think it shows what goes on in a depressed, "Broken" persons head. I can get a feel for this particular person and what happened to them.

Now for the cons. I know they suck, but everyone has cons. It's human nature to have cons. Fortunately for you, I don't base people on their cons, I believe it defines their nature and makes them who they are. I really have to stress that you should be careful with your grammar. On line 25 it says "I wasn't eve breathing." Although I got the idea it still needs to be fixed. I really dislike grammar errors. Also, I don't like the fact that you express the other person. I feel this story is specifically about the other person since you describe that person throughout the whole story.

Overall, I believe, this is a very DEEP poem. I wish you would write some more an from one newbie to another. Welcome to WYS!

Hello! I REALLY like you poem. A LOT.
It isn't often that I say that, too. I've read a lot of great poems on here, but not many that I have loved. I love yours. It's unique, the pace throughout id great, the repetition holds the piece and structure together and it's both simple yet phsycological. Fantastic.
There are one or two spelling issues, which I believe reviewers before me have addressed, and at the end of the poem your formatting has gone mad, but otherwise, I think this piece is brilliant.
My favourite part was probably:
Something
that has been

Damaged,

Defeated,

Despaired,

Rejected,

or
perhaps,

Shattered.

Just because, like the rest of the poem, it had such a good pace to it.
But I loved the whole thing. I understand this poem may not be everyone's cup of tea- it has a quirky, unique style and little imagery in it- however, I really like it, and you should be very proud of this. Welcome to WYS! And KEEP IT UP!

Hey amber! First of all, a big huggles and welcoming spin to YWS! If you need any help don't hesitate to PM me. If you need any reviews done, feel free to post in my will review or good thread!!

I really like this poem. Firstly, the formatting follows the title. I really like that kind of harmony in any piece. I take it even though I doubt the partitions were planned. I will therefore limit myself to content of this piece. As it is, I am unable or rather unwilling, to perform a dissection of your poem's rhythm!

Let's get started, shall we?


Do ensure that you keep track of your spelling.

...I wasn’t eve breathing...

You need to have even here.

One thing I'm afraid you lack is the imagination of the brokenness of the one written about. What do I mean? I mean that this piece could be spruced up with flowery words!

Do challenge yourself to make this more dramatic!


Other than that, this is a really nice piece with a good topic!


Keep writing!!

Deadman here with a review for you. I'm not the best with poems so bear with me. I don't want to come of as mean, but I'm a blunt person. We'll see how your poem turns out.

Okay well now I've read it, and the only thing retaining in my mind is Broken. You've overused the word. I know in poems repetition is advised, but you can't over do it. Plus the formatting is weird, and there is nothing to stop or really break the reading up. Lines in a poem don't always have to be short and sweet. You also don't have to repeat broken after each of your, uh..stanzas..I think that's what they are. Plus in a few places it gets really confusing, since I don't really know where you want me to pause and where you don't. If I pause after each line it doesn't sound right. If I don't pause at each line it doesn't sound right. If I pause every time you just write Broken, it sounds a little better, but you've overused Broken. By the end of the poem really the only thing the reader is getting in their head, is the word broken. Excuse the pun, but don't leave you're poem so broken up. You can condense some of the small lines, into bigger ones, and remember you can use periods and apostrophes. Plus, try to cut out how many times you say broken.

Okay, well I'm sorry that sounded so mean, but now I've read it without saying broken all the time, and I've condensed and paused in places that seem right to me. The poem sounds great with all of that stuff done. It's a great concept, just try to execute it more properly.

Okay, well this poem can use some work, but it was a good work. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope my advice helps you out a little bit. I hope to see more from you in the future. Welcome to YWS, and until next time, happy writing!



Cheers,




Deadman XD