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137,601 Literary Works • 672,050 Reviews
Hello there! Here to review your work on this very fine review day! I will review as I read so that it will make much more sense for both me and you. I tend to ramble otherwise, get mixed up and generally forget some good points that I've been saving up. (SEE! RAMBLING!)
Here goes!
“What was supposed to be a normal morning at the market, turned into chaos that left Nadya sprawled on top of man for everyone in Braunton market to see. She wished she had listened to Emily.” - Haha I love you're beginning! It immediately hooks me and makes me want to know more about Nadya and her wise friend Emily. I'm also dying to know who this man is, who's she so gracefully lying atop.
“. Besides don't you remember how I told you Gypsie's love being outdoors?" - This is a good way to show the reader a little insight into Nadya's background. Kudos
I'm glad we know a little about what Emily looks like but I still can't picture Nadya. Maybe you could think about adding a bit of description in about her appearance.
Even though I do love the start of your chapter – I wish we had actually found out what happened in the market by the end. Remember that your first chapter is your one big chance to hook the reader in for the entire book! We need to be captivated all the way through it.
Good luck! I look forward to reading some more soon.
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Olive <3
Hi there and welcome to YWS! I hope you have a great time here. In addition, happy review day!
Okay, so firstly, you need some work on spelling and grammar, for example:
Overtime is when you work your job for longer hours than necessary. Over time is along a time period, and what you really want to say.
Apart means split, or away from other things. What you really wanted to say was a part, one part. (second last paragraph).
Gypsies does not need an apostrophe, neither does Gadjos.
Another thing you're doing is you are over-explaining things. In your second and third paragraphs, you say the same ting, once with dialogue and once in words. Remove the words part and just leave the dialogue. You can also compact the dialogue to say the same thing in less words, like:
"You know you shouldn't be going to the market," Emily puffed, jogging to keep up with Nadya as she strode out of the inn. "That's a servant's job and it's not fitting for a young lady to go off—"
"I might as well make myself useful," Nadya replied. "Besides, don't you remember what I always tell you? Gypsies love being outside."
"I'll never understand why you feel the need to..." Emily trailed off, sighing.
Much shorter and more to the point, also building some character traits. This is also something you need work on. You may have told us who everyone is, but you haven't said what they do or how they react to certain situations. We don't know if Nadya is a rebel, adventurist, sweet young woman, good girl, loves attention, anything! We need to know what makes your characters tick.
Also, you started the story with a statement of prediction, but it hasn't happened by the end of the chapter! The story should come in neat little packages, so end it with what is said at the start!
Just keep writing!
barefootrunner
Hello, ambeezyk,
Niebla here with a review for you.
As the title says, this is a first draft so I’m going to let myself really rip into it and tell you every thought that I had while I was reading, even if some of them are a little harsh. The first being that the first line is clumsy:
I guess this is supposed to draw the reader in, but to me it just seems a little badly worded: there’s an extra comma that doesn’t need to be there, and I think it could either be reworded or changed completely. In a way it seems a little too much as if it’s trying to draw the reader in; it doesn’t fit in with the rest.
Moving on from that first paragraph, as an introduction to this story this is very slow. There are pros and cons to this: on one hand, it introduces the characters and the setting so that the reader is familiar with them, but on the other, again, it seems a bit too much like it’s trying hard to introduce these things; a lot of the works that draw the reader in best start with a scene and then slowly reveals information about the characters and the setting while drawing the reader in with the current event: maybe this is something to try here. There are some nice descriptions here, and lots of important information, but it doesn’t all need to be revealed at once. Try just starting the story and revealing it as seems appropriate instead.
Those are my most general thoughts, but I admit that I am still somewhat interested, and I want to read the next chapter to see where this goes and whether it speeds up a bit (which I’m guessing it does from what the first paragraph says.) Here are some more minor things that I noticed:
Again, especially with the brackets, this seems a little too much like it’s just trying to explain things to the reader: which shouldn’t be necessary and interferes with the story. Did she really say “gypsies” (you might also want to run a spell-check; I noticed a few spelling errors which can be easily sorted out) in brackets in the middle of her dialogue? I doubt it. As long as the story makes it clear from the beginning that Nadya was a gypsy, the reader should be able to make sense of the new terms themselves.
However, there are some things that I really like about this. Though the descriptions are maybe a little too long and give too much away for a first glance in some places, they do give the reader a clear picture of things. I can also picture the characters very clearly in my mind, and I like the idea behind Nadya’s story. She interests me as a character and I want to know more.
In conclusion: there are some nice ideas and descriptions here and I’m interested enough to see what happens next. On the other hand, it’s a slow start and maybe jumping into the story a little sooner instead of trying to reveal all this information and backstory at once might be a little more effective at opening the story and making the reader care.
I hope this helps at least a little; I’ll move on to the next chapter now.
~Niebla
Thank you so much for your review! I know, I'm still new at writing. I have so much to edit. Especially spelling and grammar. I just thought I would try and give writing a go. I'm definitely taking your advice under consideration! Thanks again!!!