Published July 23, 2009
[b]Ramblings
Damn that cupid,
it's not fair.
I close my eyes and
I see you there.
I sleep deep,
but wake up tired.
You must lay me down,
for its you I've desired.
In my thoughts,
and dreams I seem to seek.
I hear your voice,
and I cannot think.
Things come out odd,
like I'm mad.
Everything so unclear,
there's no seeing through this fog.
Your eyes are like jewels,
They have left me in awe.
You must laugh at the fool,
See me stumble and fall.
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141,455 Literary Works • 674,468 Reviews
Welcome to YWS Amatuli ^^ Shina here for a review
"Damned" is past tense. It should be "damn"
*It's, not "its"
Might want to add "I" at the beginning so we know it's the narrator.
Wait, what does this mean? O_O What's "Che're"
You're kind of lingering on this. Be direct with it and straight to the point.
Squirrelly*
Who is the fool?
Is the narrator the fool?
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Overall, it's cliche and hazy. The meaning of this is hidden somewhere. You need to be more direct with that.
-Shina
Hello friend
,
.
Im so happy to welcome you to YWS, and to be the first to review your work. but before i get started I have to remind you/ or let you know in general that before you post a piece of work you have to review two different pieces of work. This is to ensure that every's work is reviewed equally. If you have any questions please feel free to pm me I would love to answer them
On with your review:
I really enjoyed this poem. I love the imagery, it really gets a picture floating in your head. but you do need to capitalize the first letter of the first word in your stanzas. Other than that I dont see much that is wrong with this poem, kudos to you.
If you have any questions please pm me
Have a great day and good job,
Tiffany