Hi All,
I am new to write some thing which I ever can think, people will like... but still after lots of frustrations in my life and still struggling, I thought this could be a way to transform it into some creative work. Please do not mind before reading it... later if you, I don't think you would...
Anyways, here the story begins with the birth of a boy in a small town in India.
A boy who was very anxious about fascinating things especially girls and showbiz.
The story starts when he was only 5 years old, he was studying in a school named "New Happy Dale". Lots of students in class but no one was his friend. He use to sit with girls though he was not so handsome, but very studious and pretended to be presentable and extra ordinary every moment.
Mrs. Neeru, the class teacher always used to give some extra attention to him, due to which he oftenly sits with a girl named "Saba Kareem". Saba was not so good in her studies but very attractive and beautiful. When Saba comes to class, he always try to come and sit beside her. One day when Saba was sitting next to him, he started looking at her. It was not a common look, he was staring at her. Saba asked several times as why he is staring at her as he didn't reply.
He was trying to hypnotize her and he somehow convinced her as well. The class was running at it own pace, but both of them started playing false to each other. Perhaps, for Saba it could be due to the fear, but he was enjoying it. He started moving his hand in her clothes and touching every part of her body.
It was surprising, How could a five years old child could think of doing it. But was a bare truth!
At last once the class compiled to its end. Saba went off to the washroom and started crying. He was hearing all, but was unable to speak a single word...
All went peacefully, the students went back to their homes. The boy was still unable to understand what he did and why? What give pleasure to him and How this happened? It was a puzzle for him.
The next day, Saba didn't come to school, boy kept waiting for her all day. Same happened next day and all further...Saba never turned up to school again.
This made a strong guilt for the boy. Even after 30 years of that incident, the boy is still waiting for her to come back and answer his questions. Those questions remained questions for him and in some parts of this world both must be waiting for their answers...
Here this story ends, but that little boy still has lots of thing to confess to GOD!!! n 'll keep doing that some or the otherways!!!
Thank you folks...
Note: If this sounds interesting or if I have the writing capabilities and to attract people with my stories, please write me back @ amar_misra2002@hotmail.com.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there!
I'm here to review your work!
Okay, seeing that this is your first work I will congratulate you on posting it! You need some guts to post your work here, after all
Anyways moving on to the story:
I didn't exactly understand what happened here. I mean, what really did happen? Here's what I gathered from what you've written:
There's a boy(we don't know his name) who's very nerdy and likes girls(?). I'd say that sounds morbidly pedophilic when you say it like that, so I think you could have written that nicely. The boy sits next to a girl named Saba who's very beautiful but not all that smart. Then what happened? There's a lot of staring, and touching? I felt it was TOO rushed.
I didn't exactly get the part where he was a five year old boy? I mean, personally I felt it was a bit impractical. I really feel you should have written it better.
Moving on to the nitpicking. There seems to be a lot to nitpick, it seems.
You need to work on your tense. It's a huge contribution to the story and it seems a little off.
Also, your writing is a little choppy. Honestly, you need to write more. because only practice can make you master the art of writing!
Punctuation. Again, everything seems to be haywire. Please do read your work once or twice before you post it, and make sure all the typos are out of the picture.
You have promise, should you decide to work hard
Keep writing!
Hey,
So right off the bat I can tell you have a lot of potential. But this story needs some work. One of my biggest issues is the absurd amount of "..." in this story. I found it really took away from the story because I just don't see the point of it. Also, your little message at the top should be in the bottom in a authors note for a more professional affect.
I assume you meant often.
Consider revising this part, its big and clunky. Plus it doesn't make a lot of sense.
Personally, I advise giving the boy a name, as well as elaborating a bit more on who he is. I think that you have a great idea here but this is really only a rough first draft. With more time, effort, and detail I think you'll have an amazing story! It was a pleasure to review your work.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Hey!
I hope I dont correct anything that isnt actually in the story! 
Its great that you got right in here and posted something! For several reasons Im not going to post for a while longer. But I think its great that you did right away! I hope this review is helpful! Im pretty new to reviewing, but I'll just point out a few things, and hopefully it will be of some help!
Im not quite sure where the story starts... you didnt change the format or font at all, so Im just guessing...
"but very studious and pretend to be presentable and extra ordinary every moment." should be *pretended* not "pretend"
"Mrs. Neeru, the class teacher always give some extra attention to him," *gives* not "give"
"he always try to come and sit beside her." *tries* not try!
"Sab asked several times as why he is staring at her. But, he didn't reply." pull out the "as"
"The class was running at it own pace," *it's* instead of "it"
"but both of them started playing false to each other. perhaps, for Saba it could be due to the fear," Since right after "other" there is a period you need to capitalized!
"He started moving his hand in her clothes and touched every part of body." So you could do several things with this part! It doesnt sound right how it is, so you need to change something, I would suggest saying " He started moving his *hands in her clothes, touching every part of her body*" But just play around with it and see if you can change the wording a little bit!
"What give pleasure to him and How this happened?" *gave* not "give"
"same happened next day and all further...Saba never turned up to school again." There is a period before same so capitalize "same"
"This made a strong guilt in the boy and even after 30 years of that incident," To me this doesnt sound right, play with it maybe! I think saying " This made a strong guilt for the boy, even 30 years after the incident!" thats my personal opinion though! So just see if you can change the wording!
"Those questions remained questions for him and in some part of this world both must be waiting for their answers..." *some parts of this world*
I think you did a great job of ending this! I think I know where your coming from here, Ive thought about writing a short story along the same lines, except I never thought about a 5 year old boy. :/ Anyways! Good luck with editing. I hope I was helpful!!!
Yes sure ! You are a great help and the corrections you made, I certainly would be following that! Thank you so much.