Published March 23, 2011
Kind of gory, what do you think?
Wrestling on the bed,
laughing.
You pin her easily.
She stares at you breathlessly,
lips inches away,
teasingly quivering.
You slowly lower your mouth to hers.....
Two boys, one girl,
beautiful children,
run into the room
and beg you not to hurt mommy.
You rise and smile at them and say,
"I won't, I promise."
You propose.
In front of all your friends,
your family.
On one knee, you declare your undying love.
She's shocked and amazed.
Tears brimming, she nods yes.
A week before the wedding,
she comes home,
roses grasped in one hand.
Your sick,
she goes to you
and sees you're not alone.
Blood rushes to her face,
tears to her eyes.
You tumble and toss.
You turn and stare in horror
as the roses,
blinding white,
fall to the floor.
You make her leave,
whoever she is,
and go to your beautiful bride.
She's in your room,
by the dresser;
back turned to you
she wipes her tears away.
You go to her.
Try to explain.
She listens silently and turns when you're done.
Her eyes, still wet, stare up at you
and she smiles and nods.
Hope brims in your heart.
You bring her into your arms
and swear you won't do it again.
She nods and her arms close around you.
She pulls away and looks up
into your eyes,
and knows you mean it.
She smiles breathtakingly and
raises her hand as if to stroke your hair,
but through the mirror you see,
a glinting knife clutched in your bride's hand.
As she brings it down,
you remember your solemn swear,
"I won't, I promise."
On the wedding date,
she appears,
holding red tinted roses,
in her blood soaked wedding dress
and fulfills her task
as the Bloody Bride.
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140,894 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
This is absolutely interesting. I agree that it would work well as a short story. I can definitely picture the scene in my mind, so that's great. I can't think of anything I don't like so I'll shut up now. XD Great work, keep writing!
-Liz
I was actually thinking that exact thing. About turning it into a short story. Well, this is just a start of an idea so I'm not completely done with it. Thanks for the reviews and I'll take them into consideration.
Nice, it actually would make a great short story but does not mean it's not a good poem. Personally i'm no poetry expert, i just write it, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Yes it does just relay events, but i quite like the simple no nonsense language. it's quite refreshing as a lot of the stuff here is hard to understand. In general the poem flows well. But because of the simplicity it's a little 2D, what you get is what you see. I could be wrong though.
Anyway, great work!
Alright, so I'm going to be completely honest with you. I think this should be a short story.
Though it tells a story, unlike a lot of poems that seem to surface on YWS these days, it feels more like the relaying of events as opposed to actual poetry. There isn't much of a rhythme nor is there any real imagery, so to speak. Like its telling us a story but not giving us a feeling.
This could be a wonderful poem, if reworded and deliberated on in a different manner, but I find it would make any even better short story, because so much happens. You write in prose so your poetry sounds flat, whilst writing in prose for a short story is hard but in essence, it makes the short story good.
I guess its really up to you. My opinions out there and I hope it wasn't too harsh!
~Dreamwalker