Chapter 2
My eyelids fluttered open. Nothing had changed since when I had closed them. Mother was still drinking coffee and driving, and the car was still an ocean of junk.
I looked out the window and saw that it was dawn. I could hear birds shouting underneath the roar of our car.
The radio was on singing some song that I didn’t know. Though my mother seemed to know the song, she was mouthing the words to it.
We pulled into a driveway to the ugliest house imaginable. It was all tan, even the framing around the windows. No color. I saw one small window that you could see from the front, I was assuming that was the kitchen. The yard really needed to be mowed, but then I knew that I would have to do it and pushed that thought to the back of my brain.
“We’re here,” my mother said in a bored-to-death tone.
I didn’t reply.
I walked into the house thinking, “ This house is so revolting.” I didn’t want to go any further.
The house was plain inside too, just as if it was the outside. Tan carpet, as if they didn’t have enough of the unattractive color already. White walls, to make it even more bland. There were barely any windows, there was three in the whole house. Of course, this house would feel like a prison cell, well that’s what it would feel like to me.
“So, how do you like it.”
“Umm…” I paused.
She knew that I hated this house and didn’t ask my to finish.
I moved all of my little belongings to my room. Most of the stuff in the car was my mom’s, she said that it was things from the disco era. Things that I found repulsive. How could people live like that for an entire decade.
I sat on my bed reading my old, damaged copy of The Swiss Family Robinson.
I heard two low knocks on my door and looked up. It was her.
Mother.
“So…um…I guess that your glad that you get to go back to school,” she said a little uncomfortably.
“I guess,” I mumbled under my breath.
With that she left, leaving me all alone, just like in my nightmares.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hey, alyssh! It's kind of my thing to review someone else's work if they review mine. So, here it goes:
I really liked that description.
I put a comma after 'on.'
There should be a question mark at the end, instead of a period.
There should be a question mark at the end, instead of a period.
How did she know there were only three windows? She only went into the living area.
I liked the ending, it made me wondering what would happen. Okay, so you did describe how the house looked, kind of. Was it empty? Here's a little check-list I made up.
Sounds Check, you said how things sounded.
Smells Did the house smell funny, since it was so old?
Looks You kind of showed how things looked in the beginning. I'd like a little more on her room.
Feels Did she feel anything? Was the sheets on the bed crinkly and stiff, or smooth and comfortable?
Tastes I don't think this really matters, she didn't really eat or drink anything. But, maybe if the house is so old she breathed in dust or something... I don't know.
So, yeah, I liked this. Maybe you could work on showing vs. telling. Like I said, I liked the ending it left me wondering what was going to happen. Good job!