Stigma Ch.1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...soo...I belive you've done a pretty good job here. Its a pretty solid opening here. There's plenty of questions to be asked, the descriptions are pretty and I love the tension that you manage to maintain throughout the piece here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was like seeing my life in a high-definition movie. Everything magnetized, every detail so clear-cut and precise that it was almost blinding. I was nauseated by the lurid brightness of colors, and frightened by the false impression of being trapped inside a perfect photograph. My surroundings seemed endless, yet inescapable. Like a nightmare.

A spattering of my own blood on the sand at my feet released me from the trance. I would have to endure the overwhelming vitality of the world around me. It would last as long as tainted blood coursed through my veins. And there was no known cure for the taint.

I took off running; dodging the dilapidated palms, tumbling through dry bushes, and ignoring the sharp pebbles seeping into my shoes. The lack of cover distressed me. In a desert wasteland, I could only count on the bad aim of my pursuer to keep me alive.

Okay....a very interesting start here. The attention to detail there with the description certainly gives even the reader that effect of being stuck in a place with too much detail, which really does quite a good job at getting your attention and really getting your immersed in whatever this uncomfortable location happens to be. The mention of blood and everything just comes together wonderfully to showcase that things aren't doing too well here for this person before they then just talk of running seemingly out of desperation here which is another powerful moment there.

So far, every effect of the so-called superdrug they had injected me with only contributed to my dizziness and inability to think straight, neither of which were assisting me in flight. Each gunshot rang out sharper than it should have, breaking whatever concentration I had left. It was all mechanical at this point. One numb step after another into the heart of the hinterlands. Each agonizing breath just a raucous indication of my current condition.

Then I spotted it. The safehouse. In my eyes, it was a long, run-down shack in the middle of nowhere, as well as the happiest place on earth. In the eyes of my enemy, it was just another barren strip of land housing bones and tumbleweed. A few more strides, and I would disappear into thin air. Just a few more...

OKayy...well this is really kicking off on a note of very high tension here. You can feel the disorientation this person is suffering at the effects of whatever mysterious drug this is before you then see the gunshots somehow brings things into slightly sharper focus for them as they attempt this desperate dive to get to safety.

My body hit the ground in front of the barrier with a sickening thud. One hand reached helplessly out for it, while the other clutched at a bloody gash in the side of my leg. The bullet had sliced past a few good layers of skin, but hadn’t pierced straight through. I was still disabled. I would die here, inches away from freedom.

Then I felt it; a variation in the supposedly empty air in front of me. The soft imperfection of human skin against my fingertips. And his voice. “Lucille. Come on, you’ve almost made it.”

My pursuer was right behind me now; crouched over my pulsing, crippled body as if I were injured, helpless game waiting for a hunter to deliver the final blow. Sick. I heard laughter and the click of the gun as it finished reloading.

Ooooh...the tension really builds in this one. I love the beats of this little chase sequence here as we've got this person hitting that proper rock bottom by falling down on their path to escape but then something managing to give them just enough energy to get up and keep going. Then the way you punctuate that with the sounds of this gun becoming ready to fire once again really creates a powerful little effect here.

In a rush of reckless determination, I turned my head and launched the next glob of nasty that rose up my famished throat into the mercenary’s face. He stumbled backward, cursing, while I grasped the invisible hand with enough enthusiasm to crush it between my fingers. There was a dizzying pull, and then my own ear-piercing cry of pain as I hit the ground again.

I’d made it inside the barrier alive. I was safe.

Okayy...well a powerful ending too there. Some good improvisation and then just a moment of success to end on. I feel like perhaps that then gets rid of the cliffhanger you could've ended, but of course there is still plenty of questions being asked in this part that its certainly still very intriguing and does work as a hook.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, as far as chapter one's go, I think this one is pretty effective here. It manages to be pretty intense and captures your attention while also presented quite a bit of a mystery for the reader to attempt to unravel and that makes for a pretty good combination I think.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey Alyssa, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

the hinterlands.

Is 'hinterlands' a word I've just never heard or something you've made up? Should it be capitalised?

launched the next glob of nasty

'nasty' seems a rather childish word compared to the tone of the rest of the piece.

II. PURPLE PROSE

My main issue here is how many words you use. You use a lot of words.

Take a look at this sentence.

"I walked to the door and opened it."

Now look at this:

"I sauntered casually towards the ivory-painted wooden covering on the entryway and with a slim white hand I gently pulled it towards my own body."

These say exactly the same thing. The second one, though, is what we call purple prose. It's a violent shade of violet prose really.

Yours is not quite so bad. In fact in most places, it's rather lovely! I like your use of words a lot. I'm just worried that in parts you're missing out on suspense and atmosphere because you're too busy finding the right word in your vocabulary. This is a chase scene, right? It's intriguing. But if you read a chase scene elsewhere you'll see that sentence structure and word choice really help to build atmosphere- short choppy sentences, quick words, bite-size chunks. Here, although it reads rather well, I just feel like 'reckless determination' is not the right phrase, is not the sort of thing your MC would be thinking about at this point.

My main point is to relax with your vocabulary. Tell us the story. Remember that less is quite often more.

III. OVERALL

Overall I actually adored this! It's such a hook! The perfect way to start a story

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x