Published July 17, 2009
The night was clear. The stars lit up in the sky. I had the feeling that if I looked through a telescope, the stars would have faces and they would be smiling down on Chris and I, walking hand in hand, to the beach. We reached the white sand, and I let go of Chris's hand and walked to the shore, letting the calm waves lap gently against my feet. The moon was full, and bright as ever. I sat down on the sand, and then gave up and laid back completely, letting the sand push against my back and get into my hair. Chris laid down next to me. i could hear the gentle hum of his breathing. He took my hand and began to play with my fingers. I smiled and closed my eyes, listening to the waves, Chris's heart beat, and my heart beat all together as one chorus. And at this moment, I felt like every single problem, like every single mistake I had ever made had been erased completely and i was perfect. I felt like I had never been sick. Like I never would be. And even though in the back of my adolescent mind i knew tomorrow morning I'd be waking up with less hair because of the stupid chemo, I still felt like the prettiest, most wanted girl in the entire world. I felt like I still had my beautiful, long chestnut colored wavy locks that used to hang delicately from my head. i felt like I still had that natural bit of pink in my cheeks. I felt like I still had a little bit of weight on my bones. And i felt healthy, strong, ready to take on the world. I opened my eyes and turned my head toward Chris. He was still examining my nail beds. I laughed. He turned his head too and smiled. His dirty blonde hair was messy and i could see sand in it. His bright blue eyes stood out against his tanned skin. When he smiled, i felt like every cell in my body had his name carved into it. I lifted my weak, boney arm and placed my hand on his cheek. He leaned in and kissed me softly on my chapped lips. He smelled like sun tan lotion and campfire. I tried with all my strength to roll on top of him and wrap my arms around him like i used to, but my weak body refused. Instead, Chris picked me up in his strong arms and carried me to his car. "Will you still love me when I'm bald?" I asked as he started the car up and backed onto the road. He smiled. "I'll lend you every one of my baseball hats," he said. I smiled. I didn't know if I smiled at myself because i was so incredibly happy or if I smiled at Chris because he was the best human being on the planet. Either way, I knew that no chemo would keep me alive or strong. Chris would.
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141,321 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this is quite the touching piece right here. I think you do a wonderful job here, but before I dive in too deep to the actual material here, I do have to start out by saying that this could do with a bit of paragraphing here. At the moment its all one big blob of text and while it is one continuous scene that flows okay even in this format it would just be a lot easier to read if it were split into more paragraphs.
Moving beyond that particular issue though, you’ve really got something so powerful and heartfelt here. I’m not entirely sure where this is quite meant to run into a diary sort of format but as a sort of standalone short piece in a romantic context this one is rather powerful. It’s a very sort of uplifting piece to see a story where we’ve got a rather common enemy in cancer here but instead of the story being about the loss that comes with it or the simple angst that can be extracted from it but rather the story being about the true power that proper love and support can hold and how it seems to really help out here in making this person feel so powerful and able to survive that horrible experience.
Overall, this is a wonderful little piece that you’ve got here. It seems to really speak from the heart, and it definitely seems to be aimed right at the hearts of us readers. I think you do a very solid job in terms of really connecting it all together and presenting this in a view that’s so rarely seen but one that definitely tends to bring a massive smile to one’s face especially with how tiny the eventual mention to the actual cancer tends to be. It goes a long way to showcase how much this love is doing for this person here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This was a well witten piece. You said it is kind-of fiction. Well if it is I hope that...
A) Chris and you are still together and
B) That your cancer is gone or that it is almost gone. I know what a horrid thing cancer is.
This story was touching and it almost brought me to tears. Not many authors can do that.. so CONGRATS.
I think you should separate it into different paragraphs because it was too hard to read when it was just in one. Other than that it was excellent! Lots of love,
Jenn aka hockeyfan87
I really Like it !
I love this so much, it is so heartfelt.
I really like this. I like how the narrator brings up the chemo casually, like her disease isn't what defines her, but just something she lives with. If that's what you were going for, you succeeded. I also like that you described the sound of the waves and their heartbeats as a chorus...I'm not really sure why. My favorite part is the line about the baseball caps, it was really cute, and it showed that he cared for her.
Hello, Inspired. I'll be your reviewer today.
You don't need the comma.Capitalize you 'I'.
You need a comma after "made" and you also forgot to capitalize your "I" again.
You need a new paragraph when someone talks.
This was a very nice read and few grammatical errors except for your thing against capitalizing I's. It's not a big problem, just a little nit pick I had. There are more mistakes like that other than the ones I put up there, but I figured you're smart enough to catch them when you read through this. Also, I'm not too fond on the one paragraph thing. You need more breaks in this.
It's sad that she has cancer, it reminds me of a song by My Chemical Romance. The name of the song, of course, is Cancer. I really want to read more to see what happens to her, and, if you post a second part, I'll be sure to review it.
ReisePiecey!
I loved how realistic this piece is. I loved how Chris was sweet and didn't make any cocky comments. You can't really find guy characters that don't do that. I really do love your work. Somethings weren't capitalized but it's okay. I loved the characters in this story!
I know this review is small but I couldn't find anything super wrong with your story! Keep on writing you have an amazing talent!
--Anne!
I really like how you managed to create two realistic characters in only a few sentences. I really like it, and it would be cool if you kept going with it. The main suggestion I have is to break it up into smaller paragraphs. Looking at a huge block of text like that tends to scare readers away and makes the piece harder to follow. Other than that, though, its pretty good.
Hiya Always! I'm back just like I said I'd be.
And am ready to critique!
Nit-Picks:
These sentences sound too choppy, and I think it would sound better if you joined them.
These lines have such a beautiful, poetic feel to them. There are parts in this that flow and rhyme so perfectly... great job!
'i' should be capitalized and join these two sentences together. It'll flow much easier when you read it. For example: "Chris laid down next to me, so I began to hear the gentle hum of his breathing."
This doesn't really sound right. How about this? "I smiled and closed my eyes while I listened to the waves crash against the shore. I also heard the heartbeats of both Chris and I synchronizing as one." That's just a suggestion. ^_^ Also, 'all together' should be 'altogether'.
'i' should again be capitalized.
Format:
I just see one big blob of words when I see this. Separate this into paragraphs so it's better to read and doesn't make my eyes hurt.
Length:
I'd have preferred it longer, but this is the prologue, right? So that's okay. It'll be longer as soon as you transform it into a nicely spaced out piece of literature with different paragraphs.
Overall:
I loved it! Every time I read this I cry, because you keep an up-beat tone in the background, yet you sneak all those sentimental details into it. You did a beautiful job on this, based on content and not on appearance. The appearance can improve, but the content is a lovely piece of art.
Welcome to YWS, always!
Here we have a few simple rules that should be followed:
. But it is a lovely piece that I'll look forward to critiquing.
~Please review at least two pieces of work on YWS before posting your own. This is called the 2:1 ratio rule and many members here are strict about it. So get reviewin' fast!
~Please use proper spelling, punctuation and capitalization here. After all, we're all writers.
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Aw *sniffles* that was very sweet. I love your two characters here, and you've created a sad, yet happy atmosphere quite nicely. I think I'll be reviewing this more thoroughly after you've made two reviews.
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