Published July 18, 2009
Your eyes are magnets.
Your smile is a dream.
Without you is sadness.
When you're gone I can't breathe.
When you stare at me it's...
It's heard to understand it.
It's hard to get through this,
This thing called candid.
Your arms are bodyguards.
Your strength is amazing.
When I'm with you things are backwards.
When you're here there's no more pain.
When you hold me it's...
Things are hard to explain.
It's hard to stop this,
This thing called insane.
Your fingertips are water droplets.
Your skin is a cloud.
Without you I feel tear droplets.
When you're gone I scream and shout.
When you touch me it's...
You're a gift from above.
It's hard to reverse this,
This thing called love.
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141,441 Literary Works • 674,439 Reviews
Poetry is hard enougth, but making everything ryme and also sound great is very hard to do. But you can improve on some things.
Add some more dementions to it by saying why you love this person, compare him with a past lover .
My favriote line is acctully " This thing called insane" I really love that use of language
To make it more lyrical add some more adjectives.
I think the line
Your eyes are magnets.
Your smile is a dream.
Without you is sadness.
Is a little cliched try and changing the last word word so it says.
Your eyes are like moon drops
your smile is honey comb dream
Without you is scilence.
Despite this, you are incredbly talented, I can't belive you jjust found this in your diary, I would love to read you're other work
keep writing
vera
Thanks for all the awesome tips!!! I really appreciate all you guys said. It's funny, I was just looking through old diaries, because I always scribble down random poems or stories here and there, and I found this one. That might explain some of the careless rhyming and syllable usage. Thanks so much for reviewing!
I loved the way everything rhymed. Sure, it's a poem, but everything fit perfectly together.
"Your fingertips are water droplets.
Your skin is a cloud.
Without you I feel tear droplets."
It kind of bothered me how you said droplets twice so close to eachother. There was nothing other to say though, which I soon realized.
All together, the poem was great.
Hi!
Honestly I'm hopelessly romantic.
I loved your poem.
I liked the second paragraph especially. I agree with zaneman. You can use the suggestion.
Keep writing!
First off I love it, great poem expressing how you feel, However I do feel you could make some revisions to the flow, sometimes it seems choppy because of uneven amounts of syllables, just constructive criticism
When you say
"This thing called insane"
to flow better you might consider
"It is so insane"
or
"This is so insane"
but just my two cents, I am in no way an expert writer, I am only very new myself.