z

Young Writers Society



????-Part 1

by alwaysawriter


"Stay the h*** away from my boyfriend." Another angry girlfriend yelled at me. I walked away, out of the football field--where the best of the catfights took place--, down the stairs, into the parking lot and into my car. From there, I proceded to call my best friend. There are two problems on being a loser and having your outspoken best friend live out of state: Losers generally can't keep track of whose going out with who or if they try, their head seems to get dizzy and their outspoken best friends who live out of state can't help them when a girlfriend somehow finds out that they like their boyfriends (who the losers didn't know they had in the first place) and wants to kick their butt.

"What up, Rache?" She bits into her sandwhich. "You can guess." She takes another bite, not seeming to care that I'm only ditching the rest of this period and then finding another place to hide during lunch so that the angry girlfriend and her possy can't find me. A place other than the library.

"A Darren-like incident?" She asks, though she already knows the answer. She's reffering to 8th grade, when I had a huge crush on my worst-enemy-turned-friend. One of my "friends" accidently or maybe purposely, told his girlfriend that I liked him. So, to give you the short version, she told my "friend" to tell me basically what the angry girlfriend just told me.Courtney was ticked off and wanted me to get revenge. She had more ideas than I'd thought possible. I told her that I wouldn't do them and she was already five hours away at that point so she couldn't do anything unless she took the five hour drive overnight, which I would not put past her, but her parents wouldn't let her. I lived the rest of the last two weeks of school in shame.

"Yup." I was hoping that she would come and bail me out because having a crush on someone's boyfriend in high school is twenty times worse than in 8th grade. In 8th grade, your revenge choices are limited, since you can't drive a car or anything. In high school, however, the choices are unlimited.

"Can't help ya. They put me on lockdown til Friday at 3:30. Sorry." Courtney was known for her partying ways, even down here. She'd been hung-over and drug-overdosed more times than I could count, She never even cared if it was a weekday. Weekends were free-for-alls, considering how I knew about all her whereabouts and could contact her parents if she called and told me she was using cocaine. Yes, my best friend gets so high that she will tell you anything, including whatever she's doing bad at the moment. Her parents really wish I would move down there and live with them--they have even offered to PAY my dad to let me live there--but I can't leave my dad.

My Mom disappered when I was 13. We still have no idea where she is but since then, its been my dad and I. My dad has different girlfriends every week and leaves me in the house alone. I don't do drugs or party. I hate confrontations and will do anything to avoid them. I don't generally ditch classes or if I ditch part of a class, no one ever says anything, As far as Dad knows, I'm the daughter he's always wanted. One time, he even said: "Rachael, I don't know what I would do without you." Maybe he says that to make me feel guilty so I don't leave. I don't know. But it works.

"No problem. You can bail me out tomorrow. Of course, by the time you leave, it'll be all over school." I sigh. Court gulps and I jump ten feet into the air. She laughs; apparantly, I shreiked. "Scared ya, didn't I?" She waits a moment and takes another bite out of her sandwhich. "No, seriously, Rache--you need to stop freakin' out. It'll blow over by Monday. Or if it doesn't, I'll have something cooked up by then." I groan but don't say anything. Looking on my cell, I see that I have two minutes to find a place to hide before they can spot me.

"I'll talk to you later--or maybe in a few minutes." "Rache--" I hang up before she can finish her thought and go around the side enterence to get into the school. There, I think of my choices on where to hide.

The library is, by no means, a secure hiding spot because that's where all the losers go when they don't want to be found. The other losers don't like me anyway--I seem to provoke harrassment by not even saying anything. Courtney calls it a talent; I call it a death wish.

The gym is out because that's where angry girlfriend's boyfriend will be, almost guarantying that she will be there too. Everyone in the art room scowls at me. The people in the music room yell at me to get out. Its amazing, how, in a school of losers, I don't fit in with any of them.

I don't know how I came to this decison but I decide to leave. Go as far as my gas will take me. I go home, pack, fill up my gas tank and leave.

****Notes: I have no idea about a title so any help there would be appreciated. I made some revisons from my first draft, which was saved on my laptop and transfered to this one. It took me about 1 1/2 to write this but that's because my parents kept interupting my thought process and I haven't written anything in a few months. I based it on something that happend to me recently but that wasn't my intention; all I knew in the beginning was that I wanted someone to yell and some girl to walk away, talking about how she wished her outspoken best friend still lived there. I haven't written any more to this story yet. Any suggestions or comments are welcome.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 1290
Reviews: 42

Donate
Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:09 am
listeningforthemuse wrote a review...



Hmm....

well, I have to say that I agree with some of the other reviewers
Its a little sloppy and has some spelling issues

For me, it also wasn't clear why nobody likes her
Because she talked to/flirted with some girl's boyfriend?
Because said girlfriend is popular? Or because the main character is a little too flirtatious for the other girls' tastes?
Could you possibly name the girl instead of reffering to her as "angry girlfriend"?
It just gets kind of confusing

and about her friend; how does she know she's eating a sandwich?


"What up, Rache?" She bits into her sandwhich. "You can guess." She takes another bite, not seeming to care that I'm only ditching the rest of this period and then finding another place to hide during lunch so that the angry girlfriend and her possy can't find me. A place other than the library.

the part I underlined is a run-on sentence
And of course Courtney doesn't care; "Rache" hasn't told her whats going on!

Courtney was ticked off and wanted me to get revenge. She had more ideas than I'd thought possible.
I like this part. It really give us an idea of how close the two friends are. It gives the characters more depth.


My Mom disappered when I was 13. We still have no idea where she is but since then, its been my dad and I. My dad has different girlfriends every week and leaves me in the house alone. I don't do drugs or party. I hate confrontations and will do anything to avoid them. I don't generally ditch classes or if I ditch part of a class, no one ever says anything, As far as Dad knows, I'm the daughter he's always wanted. One time, he even said: "Rachael, I don't know what I would do without you." Maybe he says that to make me feel guilty so I don't leave. I don't know. But it works.

Okay. Alot of this seems kind of random and irrelevant. You were talking about Courtney's problems, and all of a sudden we have a life story thrown at us. It would be fine if you transitioned it from one topic to the other smoothly. So, you might want to revise that.

"No problem. You can bail me out tomorrow. Of course, by the time you leave, it'll be all over school." I sigh. Court gulps and I jump ten feet into the air. She laughs; apparantly, I shreiked. "Scared ya, didn't I?" She waits a moment and takes another bite out of her sandwhich.

Um, whats so frightening about a gulp? I'm sure there's good reason for Rachael's reaction; I just don't see it.

Overall, this piece was interesting but needs alot of revising and polishing. The friendship was believable, the situations kind of vague, but I'm sure you can get past that.
You have a lot of potential!




User avatar
112 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 112

Donate
Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:13 pm
View Likes
-Save-Ferris- wrote a review...



Some parts of this really confused me. They were just too rambly >.<

E.g:


"A Darren-like incident?" She asks, though she already knows the answer. She's reffering to 8th grade, when I had a huge crush on my worst-enemy-turned-friend. One of my "friends" accidently or maybe purposely, told his girlfriend that I liked him. So, to give you the short version, she told my "friend" to tell me basically what the angry girlfriend just told me.Courtney was ticked off and wanted me to get revenge. She had more ideas than I'd thought possible. I told her that I wouldn't do them and she was already five hours away at that point so she couldn't do anything unless she took the five hour drive overnight, which I would not put past her, but her parents wouldn't let her. I lived the rest of the last two weeks of school in shame.


I just didn't understand this at all.

I also didn't understand that the girl was on the phone and why did it suddenly switch from past tense to the present tense.

It all just felt really unpolished to me :/




User avatar
108 Reviews


Points: 3129
Reviews: 108

Donate
Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:58 am
KailaMarie wrote a review...



football field--where the best of the catfights took place--, down the stairs

i think you dont need the comma there, but im not good at the comma thing. lol. i always add too many.


and her possy can't find me

i think posse is spelled with an e at the end.


She laughs; apparantly, I shreiked. "Scared ya, didn't I?" She waits...

it should be a new paragraph after shreiked.


other than small things like that, i thought it was really good. i agree with lplocek, the book Perks of Being a Wallflower is a really good book because of the voices of the characters. That's probably influenced my writing quite a bit. i would think about how you want your character's voice to sound, even if the grammar isn't perfect, because people don't talk or think with perfect grammar, but i think you've done a good job with that already.

keep writing! =D




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 2

Donate
Sat Jul 12, 2008 3:29 am
lplocek wrote a review...



There are two problems on being a loser and having your outspoken best friend live out of state. (I think I'd rephrase this sentence, particularly the word on).

when a girlfriend somehow finds out that they like their boyfriends (who the losers didn't know they had in the first place) and wants to kick their butt. (A girlfriend should be followed by boyfriend instead of boyfriends. Unless a girlfriend has more than one boyfriend....)

"What up, Rache?" She bits into her sandwhich. "You can guess."

I lived the rest of the last two weeks of school in shame. (If you say last two weeks you don't really need to include the rest).

"Yup." I was hoping that she would come and bail me out because having a crush on someone's boyfriend in high school is twenty times worse than in 8th grade. (Very realistic. Great!)

One time, he even said: "Rachael, I don't know what I would do without you." Maybe he says that to make me feel guilty so I don't leave. I don't know. But it works. (Good. I like the broken sentence at the end).

All right, so I definitely like where you're going with this, and your style is very similar to what I try to use when writing from the point of view of a high school student. I think the best advice I could give you is to think of what you would REALLY say or REALLY think and type exactly those words/thoughts. In a story like this you want to be as realistic as possible, you know? You want the reader to be right there IN the dialogue, and I think you achieved that at times. However, a few parts were a bit confusing and your ending just kind-of... ended. Quickly. There was no elaboration, which might be nice. My two suggestions would be to 1) read this aloud and figure out which parts might sound tricky to someone who isn't following your thought train... or backwards. and 2) read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The author of that book does an AMAZING job of putting his characters thoughts on paper and it might inspire you.

Keep writing! - you're a lot better than I was at your age, that's for sure.




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 10

Donate
Fri Jul 11, 2008 9:23 pm
angelcat2958 says...



My Mom disappered when I was 13. We still have no idea where she is but since then, its been my dad and I.

actually its my dad and me, i think, well im pretty sure.




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 10

Donate
Fri Jul 11, 2008 9:19 pm
angelcat2958 wrote a review...



I think this is a very good story. I'm not much of a spelling and grammar critique. But, as far as context goes i think this story has an excellent plot. The plot is very engaging and i feel I really get a sharp sense of the narrator's emotions.
I do think you have a tendency to get ahead of yourself when writing and at times your writing may become a bit slopy or confusing. Try slowing down and taking time every few paragraphs or so, to reread and contimplate what you have written, also try reading it aloud. sometimes something you write sounds great when you write it but when you look back you think "what was I thinking?" or "what am I saying?". I know I'm stateing the obvious but it is a very common mistake.
Other then that I think you have potential and can create a truely exciting and interesting story. keep up the good work! :D




User avatar
438 Reviews


Points: 2999
Reviews: 438

Donate
Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:02 pm
JFW1415 wrote a review...



I'm not doing a full critique, because you made some obvious errors that you need to fix yourself.

1. Typos! Just run this through a spell-check. Nate even supplies you with one, so the fact that there are spelling errors is just from laziness.

2. You are allowed to swear in literature, but not critiques or the other forums. Get rid of the ***s.

3. When a new person speaks, it gets a new paragraph.

4. I didn't realize she was on the phone until she hung up.

No offense, but this did sound like the rambling of a teenage kid. That's not good. I have no idea where she is. I have no idea what her character is like.

You need to clear this up. You need to show rather than tell. You need to let everyone's dialogue and actions speak for themselves - don't explain it all. You need to make your characters 3-D. You need to read a lot more published books (of all genres,) a lot more detailed critiques (from anyone with a colored name) on this site, and you need to look at the Knowledge Base and Squills.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but this isn't really literature yet. It's just ramblings. The only thing I understood was that she wanted to run away.

If I'm harsh it's only 'cause I care. :)

PM me for anything at all - I love helping people with their writing. :) And don't respond to me on here like you've been doing with the others - I most likely won't check this thread again. Just PM me if you need to say something.

Don't kill me?

~JFW1415




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 10

Donate
Wed Jun 04, 2008 9:23 pm
angelcat2958 says...



i love all the code names lol i would have never thought u would name me courtney. haha "rache" lol




User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 21

Donate
Mon Jun 02, 2008 3:47 pm
Dustfinger wrote a review...



"What up, Rache?" She bits into her sandwhich. "You can guess." She takes another bite, not seeming to care that I'm only ditching the rest of this period and then finding another place to hide during lunch so that the angry girlfriend and her possy can't find me. A place other than the library.



Is it maybe suppose to be "Rachel"?



Losers generally can't keep track of whose going out with who or if they try, their head seems to get dizzy and their outspoken best friends who live out of state can't help them when a girlfriend somehow finds out that they like their boyfriends (who the losers didn't know they had in the first place) and wants to kick their butt.




Yeah, I think you should cut that into shorter pieces.
May be a period after
Losers generally can't keep track of whose going out with who or if they try

Hey but good job. :smt038

Looking forward to some more of your work.




User avatar
157 Reviews


Points: 3015
Reviews: 157

Donate
Mon Jun 02, 2008 3:21 pm
alwaysawriter says...



What I meant was the whole part about the her refeering back to 8th grade--sorry for the confusion. I know I need better punctation but I was having some trouble with it. I'll divide it into shorter sections--I kind of worried it would be too long of a sentence. I've got to go back to Business Center--it wasn't working--but I'll read the rest of the reviews later. Thanks.




User avatar
103 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 103

Donate
Mon Jun 02, 2008 12:48 pm
thething912 wrote a review...



Did this really happen to you?

At my school I felt like an outcast also. All my friends were drugies. Although, I wasn't. But, perhaps, 90% of the school were drugies. And, I had a few people think I was a loser but they were all stupid and immature.




User avatar
878 Reviews


Points: 35199
Reviews: 878

Donate
Mon Jun 02, 2008 11:18 am
Demeter wrote a review...



No "*"'s in a story. Write the whole word or, if it's too harsh, use an another one. There were also a fair lot or spelling mistakes, like

proceded --> proceeded
sandwhich --> sandwich
reffering --> referring
etc. etc.


Losers generally can't keep track of whose going out with who or if they try, their head seems to get dizzy and their outspoken best friends who live out of state can't help them when a girlfriend somehow finds out that they like their boyfriends (who the losers didn't know they had in the first place) and wants to kick their butt.


OK. What??? Could you please, please divide this part into shorter pieces? I understood the idea, but it took some extra time because this sentence is so long. Also, "whose" --> "who's".

So, fix those grammar and punctuation mistakes. You can do it, I know you can. Unfortunately I don't have any suggestions for the title, but I hope you'll make something up soon.

All the best for you,
Demeter xx





Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
— Søren Kierkegaard