Young Writers Society

Hey!

This is my only nitpick:

I remember wishing to be like you. Everyone loves you. Your charm and jokes hook every girl in the room, hook, line, and sinker.

I figured I would review this and get points and stuff. BECAUSE POINTS ARE AWESOME.

Anyway, so this is probably me being a grouchy adult, but I didn't really care about this piece because it didn't really go anywhere. The characters seemed to live in their own little world, separated from each other, which is really strange because people don't actually are like that? Well, maybe if they're teenagers, but I don't know. There's no progression, no movement, and it starts at the same place it ends, except it doesn't go anywhere, so that's a problem.

But that may be me speaking as an adult. XD

So yeah. This is a good introduction to a bigger conflict, but alone it slightly sucks. Expand!

I really liked this.
Sadly, I know exactly how you feel.
Betrayal is the worst pain of all, that people inflict upon us.
To Hell with the guy who did this to you.
You are not weak, you are strong, and you will survive-without him.
I wish you all the luck for the future
C.E.S
xxxxx

This was great! Better than a lot of fiction I have read, and I love fiction. Have you though about taking the main stuff out of this and making it a poem? You could reference over to here if you do, just so people read both versions.

Just a few teeny things;

But, to you, I'll always be weak.

I loved it! It sounded more like thoughts than words, if you know what i mean. There is not anything else i can say about it. Great job!

Hi there!
Okay; I loved this. I've totally felt this way before. *Sigh*
Just some nitpicks:

Your charm and jokes hook every girl in the room, hook, line, and sinker.

I admit it, I feel for your charm.

Around you, in that class, I felt human--not like some freak who struggled in her classes and who had intense anxiety--I felt special.

Looking back, I knew your flaws all along.

The "Everything's going to be okay,"'s meant nothing.

I don't even know why you pretended, because you didn't pretend when I lectured you online. There was nothing confusing about, "Pretend all you want, but I'm just going to tell you straight up that I don't really care at all." Hurting me is an easy task, but you seem to make it as easy as counting the alphabet.

Sometimes, I hear random parts of conservations from you and wonder if you really do care. I wonder if there's a reason I have to censor my talking, because your friends hear and report what I say back to you.

I'm slowly escaping that life of anxiety, and that takes courage.

Everyone else had wonderful advice for you, and I think they covered almost everything, grammar-wise.

A few things I don't think anyone mentioned:

I ran to you when I was alone and so scared that all I wanted to do was hide away from people, even after you'd broken my heart.

I trusted you and you questioned why I did.

A lot of times I've wished you would walk in my shoes.

I admit it, I feel for your charm.

Hiya Always! Time to get reviewing! (Also, thank you for posting on my thread!)

You didn't deny that everything I said to you was sent around the school and I hated you for that.

I want you to feel the way I've felt every day for as long as I can remember until recently.

Your charm and jokes hook every girl in the room, hook, line, and sinker.

I admit it, I feel for your charm.

The "Everything's going to be okay,"'s meant nothing.

I don't even know why you pretended because you didn't pretend when I lectured you online.

Hurting me is an easy task but you seem to make it as easy as counting the alphabet.

Hello, Always! Here's the critique I said I would do. Forgive me for any confusing points; I'm a little rusty. xD

Grammar [as requested]

In the past few months, you've added a new word to what you think of me: [s]scared[/s] Scared.

You see what you have never [s]saw[/s] seen before: the girl who is terrified of people, who goes to therapy, and who has thought about suicide.

I told you too much. I ran to you when I was alone and was so scared that all I wanted to do was hide away from people, even after you'd broken my heart.

I trusted you, <== Comma! and you questioned why I did. You didn't deny that everything I said to you was sent around the school, <== Comma! and I hated you for that.

A lot of times, I wish you'd walk in my shoes. I want you to feel the way I've felt every day for as long as I can remember [s]until recently[/s].

Feel those eyes bearing down on you. Feel sick because of all of the people. Feel the pain of a girl who has never fit in.

Your charm and jokes hook every girl in the room, [colon or dash instead] hook, line, and sinker.

You even put me at ease when I got to know you. ME.

I looked forward to the class I had with you just because you made me laugh harder than anyone else ever [s]has[/s] had.

The "Everything's going to be okay,"'s meant nothing.

Hurting me is an easy task but you seem to make it as easy as counting the alphabet.

Sometimes I hear random parts of conservations from you and wonder if you really do care.

I wonder if there's a reason my online blog [s]on another site [/s]is being read by you and/or some of your close friends.

You don't realize that I actually care about people, <== Comma! and it's something I don't think you'll ever grasp. I'm slowly escaping that life of anxiety, <== Comma! and that takes courage.

But, to you, I'll always be weak.

This was a pretty nice effort. You get some great insite into your life and you establish an easy style that a reader can follow. The piece has some genuinly emotional moments that a reader treasures in these types of works.

It reads alot like so many other downtroden stories is the only fault I can find, with a bit more style it can go beyond all these limitations. That said, this is not your fault, as a writer, simply that so many other writers put out stories similar to these.

You touch the reader and you let them bond with your words.
well done.

Mike.

Thanks guys!

Here, the use of the word “hook” is redundant. I would perhaps replace the first one with “grab.”

You bring up the anxiety a lot and here is where it seemed most noticeable.

For style purposes, you should use a colon here, as technically that phrase is a list.

I want to say first off that this is a wonderful piece and the meaning behind it is teeming with beautiful significance to plenty of people. And though I didn’t see anything truly incorrect with your grammar or spelling, I wanted to help bring some improvements about the piece in order to really make your point shine.

You see me how you've always seen me. Weak. Shy. Nerdy.

In the past few months, you've added a new word to what you think of me: scared.

Your charm and jokes hook every girl in the room, hook, line, and sinker.

The girl who couldn't sit on the porch without extreme anxiety.

Around you, in that class, I felt human--not like some freak who struggled in her classes and who had intense anxiety--I felt special.

Hurting me is an easy task but you seem to make it as easy as counting the alphabet.

Kit Kat!

---

A lot of times, I wish you'd walk in my shoes. I want you to feel the way I've felt every day for as long as I can remember until recently.

I remember wishing to be like you. Everyone loves you. Your charm and jokes hook every girl in the room, hook, line, and sinker.

I feel awful now... That was incredible, but so, painfully sad. The last line was perfect, and really sums it up nicely, and the repitition from the bit at the begining was great.
*Gives gold star*
Brillient!

I love this, I can relate to this and I enjoyed reading it. Its well written and structure is nice. It is so easy for things like this to become whiny and 2-D but this was controlled and beautifully written and had a 3 dimensional tone.

Grammatically, I couldn't see anything wrong with it. The sentence structure was good and it had a good sense of pace and it flowed nicely.

Great read, Well done!

Like mhmmcolleenx0 said, I don't really look in here, but since I was lurking about, I seen this and decided to read it. I'm glad I did.

Very interesting; very sad. The emotion clearly came across. Very deep and uplifting. I didn't recognize any grammar, spelling, or structure errors. The fluency was okay. A bit choppy at times, but overall was great! Bravo!

-Colt

Wow. I usually don't read non-fiction but this is really good. I can't believe this is true because that's just awful that someone would do that to you. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors. It was really good, so...deep. And I could really feel the emotion. Great Job! *Gold Star*