Published July 6, 2009
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hi!
So, Alohajuice, I really like what you did here. The rhyming works well, and it doesn't sound forced, which is the most important thing. The poem also stayed in topic, which is sometimes hard to achieve in rhyming poems, since you always have to make it rhyme.
This last stanza is the only one I had issues with. Sure, it carries on the basic theme, but the third line really breaks the feeling of the pretty flow and rhythm of the whole poem, not just this one stanza. Of course, if you think about it, it might be a clever hint of that there's more to this poem than just the rhymes, which is of course true, but it can be noticed without the odd one out in the end.
I'm having a hard time on figuring out my favourite part of the poem, since there are more than one.
This is one of them, it's so sweet. =) Although, you have space between the numbers and the commas.
I also like the second to last stanza. Everything about it is very decent, and I enjoyed reading it.
I'm sorry I don't have anything more constructive to say about the poem, but this was a pleasant read on a rainy day (only theoretically, since it isn't actually raining).
PM me for any questions!
Demeter
xxx