Published May 25, 2009
Tell me you didnt feel my feet touching yours
in the hot summery air
by the pool,
and in our room
Or my hands feeling your butt,
and trying to pants you
when I didnt have to
Tell me you didnt feel my lips
kiss your lips,
and held them there for a while
Or my heavy breathing that came with fun
How can you tell me you dont remember?
I need air
The air that goes into my lungs
and comes out in sobs
I sob and sob,
and still you dont come around
Tell me you didnt feel my hand
through your hair,
and touch your fingertips
They weren't cold
I need the warmth
that you give my center,
to melt within me
to keep my peace
to hold me all hours
The shelter of serenity
that you fill
My happy beginning, life, and end
Tell me you didnt feel the hug you gave me
that doubles our shelter
as a blanket of hope
Your strongs arms holding my body
It will never hurt to remember that
We know each other better now
Living our own lives
and dating other people
You are a part of me somehow
Irreversably
And I to you
We cannot cut ourselves out
I don't have to miss you
but I simply need you
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141,342 Literary Works • 674,350 Reviews
Alright guys, first of all, I do know how to use correct grammar and spelling. I typed this on the spot without going back to edit. So chill.
I don't need more than one person squealing at me to use correct grammar. I know that i have to.
And second of all, it says in the description 'not quite poetry'
because i DIDN'T write it as a poem. it was not my intention for it to be
I just posted it here because it was the closest relating forum to the feeling of it.
"Third, if you want this to impact someone, to give them some message of love, please refrain from "sex talk". Images of pants and butts don't exactly make a girl feel weak at the knees. "
This was written about a boyfriend. The whole 'pants and butts' thing has a whole different aspect talking about a boy. If i were writing about a girl friend, no maybe i would not write about pantsing and a butt. But I wrote this about a boyfriend
So don't read it as poetry and don't read it as if the person I'm talking to is a girl.
Hi there!
Ahem. First of all, your punctuation is atrocious. It makes me want to go hide under a rock. Honestly, learn to use periods and commas correctly. Second, as Galerius already said, anyone who has undergone kindergarten would know how to spell you, and that I should be capitalized. Third, if you want this to impact someone, to give them some message of love, please refrain from "sex talk". Images of pants and butts don't exactly make a girl feel weak at the knees.
Well, if your grammar and spelling is this horrid, I'll do my best not to remember. The repetition of lips is childish. Held should be hold, so we'll add tense confusion to your list of faux pas.
Sob sob sob. Self-pity goes nowhere with the reader; it's just annoying. So what if you sob? Why should we care? And blaming the other person does nothin as well. It might be their fault you fell this way, but there's other, more effective ways to establish that in poetry. For example:
"And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee." (From "Annabel Lee", by Edgar Allen Poe)
You see how Poe does it? He establishes his sorrow by giving us strong images of seas and wind and clouds - all implying cold and storms, which bring on the somber mood.
As Galerius said, the imagery here is confusing and childish, and anything that might pass as imagery is overshadowed by your terrible grammar and spelling. Honestly, I have no idea what you're saying here. Hold me all hours? Shelter of serenity? What? This doesn't mean anything! I feel like your just throwing around pretty words and completely disregarding any effort to remain coherent.
To quote Poe again:
"Deep in earth my love is lying,
And I must weep alone." ~ "Deep in Earth" by Edgar Allen Poe
Yes, that's the whole poem! He doesn't waste words; he gets straight to the point. He gives us a strong image of his love buried under the earth, which implies that he's lost someone that he cared about. And he's weeping alone. Sure, it might seem self-pitying, but he doesn't wallow in it. We can understand what he's saying, and we cam empathize with him.
How can a person feel the hug that they are giving? The lack of correct punctuation makes this almost impossible to understand. Please, go back to second grade grammar, usage, and mechanics (GUM, as my teacher had dubbed it; very useful). Then, maybe (please, dear God, let us hope), you might have a semi-comprehensible piece.
This is basically the whole poem right here! Why, oh why, did you waste time on all that crap in the beginning?! But then again, this doesn't exactly constitute as a poem. We'd need to polish it up. Something like:
"Now, irrebersably, irrevocably,
You have become a part of me,
And I a part of you.
How can we live,
Having cut ourselves apart?
We cannot.
While it won't do to miss you,
Isn't it enough that I need you?"
Now, that doesn't solve all your problems, but at least we can understand it a bit better (and don't think this is all you can do to fix it; as far as examples go, this is kind of a bad one that I've done in about a minute. Figure something out on your own, whatever works for you.).
The biggest problem with your poem is the lack of, well, poetry. There's no metaphors, similes, personification, imagery. I think it was Hemingway (might be wrong, though) who said, "Show, don't tell). It sounds so boring when you tell this to us, like "Oh, I love her, but she left me, and I'm oh so sad now... Boo hoo. Pity me."
No. That's not poetry. Poetry is giving images that stand for emotions. You don't want to tell us outright. You want to show us.
The grammar and spelling also set you back. You need to fix that. No one's going to take you seriously if a five year old can spell and punctuate better than you can. Once you learn that, then we'll talk.
Hope I was able to help! Any questions, don't hesitate to PM me.
Hi alohajuice,
I won't waste my time giving this part an in-depth review until you decide you're going to respect this piece by spelling words correctly. "U" is the most aggravating error, and if one has passed elementary school, one should know that the proper spelling is "you". Change these blisters present throughout the first two stanzas.
All air comes in lungs. This section makes no sense, and there's really no symbolism associated with...a lung, of all things, especially not in the present context. Take that line out. Actually, take the whole stanza out.
Such dry imagery. You sob and you sob. Why should we care? Put some emotion into this, compare it with an idea or another image. Metaphors. Personification. Similie. Use something.
The last part of that stanza has some potential but it's completely ruined by the atrocious display of poor grammar in the previous lines.
"u"?
Learn to spell simple three-letter words, and we'll work from there.
Imagery is confusing. Shelter of serenity implies that the shelter has already been built and he is filling it with...what, exactly? I won't even try to break this down. You need to alter the imagery and at some points (which would be the rest of the stanza), add some description. But that's the least of your poetic problems so far, as I have explained above.
How can you numerically calculate the value of the shelter? Don't say that it was doubled, because there seems to be no basis to a concrete amount. Say that it...increased, expanded. Something that can be interpreted.
The last part does not belong in a poem, it belongs in a private journal. Keep it there and cut out the last two lines.
This basically repeats, word by word, everything else that has been said in the poem. Why use precious space in the ending to robotically say all the ideas that have been said before? Don't just end the piece, close the piece like a book. Present an image or a phrase that embodies the idea and yet leaves the reader wondering whether there's something else. The poem has to end naturally, not in a blocky fashion, which unfortunately is the case here.
Overall, this was barely literature. Any content the reader could have divulged was lost amid the myriad of spelling errors and chatspeak language. Imagery was also non-existent and the piece was basically a listing of...it wasn't even a listing, more of a repetition of how much you love someone and how much you need her. These can be improved, and need to be. But until you get rid of the chatspeak and spell correctly, this is nothing more than a failed attempt that serves as an example of what never to do in poetry.
Hope that helped.