Published July 10, 2009
Empty prayer disappear
Let me know if he is near
Only love, but not queer
Only he should be here
The one who will patch my heart
His eyes can always see my art
The one who tells me, never leave
He will more than give reprieve
When I wish to be alone,
He will still be my home
If he does say never leave
You should still never say never
But only this love can last forever
When he comes into my life
Let me know before I die
That he will be the only one
He will write me his true song
He will never do me wrong
No one could be able to sing like him
I will cry more if I try to sing a long
So only he can sing this song
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141,270 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
two years later and this still gets a review! thank you rememberme. Now that I look back on this poem I know that I can make it better. Thank you for drawing my attention towards it. I still like this poem and I will edit it just for you.
Now that two years have passed I feel like I am a better writer than when I first wrote this. you're always so sweet, thank you for your comments and advice! you encourage me. and also thank you to Suzanne for analyzing this as well.
This poem pulled me in. It made me want to read more by you're first couple of lines. That's a good start for a story, you want to pull the readers in. As the story/lyric went on I started to notice that you're rhyming switched up in beat. For instance: 1111 then 1121. That was just an example.
Towards the third stanza the poem got a little shaky. You're rhyming fell off beat a tad, which made you're story wobble a little bit.
I would suggest revising this poem and adding things in between. Make the stanzas longer, and fill the lines in more with bigger and more fasinating words.
I like what story you're trying to tell and the way you describe the boy. I'll say it once and I'll say it again. I've always loved you're writing and I always will. You're nothing short of amazing.
Keep writing.
-'memberme
Before I start my review, I have to ask (since you mentioned songs) if these are lyrics or poetry? Since you posted them in the Lyric Poetry section, I'm going to treat it like a poem and review it as such.
The first thing you should address is the lack of punctuation. It makes certain lines hard to comprehend and it's difficult to follow. The flow isn't there at all because I don't know where I should pause or go on. Poetry is like everything else! It needs punctuation.
The largest issue with this poem is that you ignored your reader altogether. New or beginning poets don't realize that poetry is much less about the writer and more about the reader. You can't just spend a few stanzas talking about how you want your prince charming; you need to include your reader in this, too! Make me feel your pain at being along, make me desire for a prince charming as well. Make me think of all the lonely nights I had. The best way to do this is to move the poem away from talk, away from just listing. Instead, talk about moments in time, events, things that conjure up the same feelings so that you can embody these emotions. Describe how you feel, use vivid imagery and metaphors and symbolism. Bring your reader into the poem, get them to feel emotion/reaction, and you will be an excellent poet.
Also, your rhyme scheme feels forced. Unless you must, I'd consider dropping it. That way you have the freedom to truly express yourself, and you won't be tied down by the rhyme scheme.
Best of luck!