Published May 21, 2009
In the streets of New York, Luke Amistad walks to work from his favorite Dunkin Donuts. He works within Capitol Records for artists and repertoire (A&R). Luke is from Canada. He is 5' 10 with light eyes and light hair, almost a silvery color. He moved to New York when he was 17 to pursue his music career as a solo/singer-songwriter. After being signed to a label, he changed course and chose to work with artists instead. That was eleven years ago.
Sage Hill is a 16 year old vocalist from The Woodlands, Texas. His father taught him guitar when he was 10, and he's been writing music ever since. It was clear that he wanted to record music for his life.
The previous summer, Sage told his parents, "I want to move out to New York and make music. I want to make you proud of me. I have to move on from the Woodlands. " They agreed and he had their support.
Luke already offered Sage a record deal with Capitol, but he turned it down because of his hard life at home. Luke gave him his number for whenever Sage was ready to leave. Sage's dad, Jacob, had been depressed for at least 1 year. He's been taking narcotics and he let the depression inside him eat him up. Sage writes songs about the situation his family is in. It is his way of getting across to his father.
One school day while Sage's mom, Rachel, was in the kitchen, his father silently hung himself. Rachel found him and put him down, but the tears hadn't come yet. She drove to his school to bring him home and tell him everything. He couldn't stop crying. He skipped school the next day. He contacted his friend Kyle from New Jersey and he told him everything. They talked everything through, and Kyle was a good friend that was there for him.
A few weeks later, Sage tells Kyle and his mom that he will be moving to New York to sign with Capitol Records. He still wasn't sure if he wanted to leave his family behind, or go forward with a new venture in his life. Sage wrote a song about that feeling. The song is called "Those Eyes". Rachel and Kyle told him to do what was right. So Sage decided to move to New york and begin singing, because he knew in his heart that this is what his father would have wanted him to do.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
Thanks for reading Ayumi and fragile heart.
Not too bad. I like synopses; they make a long story short and sweet. Not that long stories are a bad thing.
I just couldn't help but notice a few things.
Like here:
I don't know if you've heard of parallelism? In case you haven't, your verbs are inconsistent. You start off in past tense or present tense, but then switch to the other halfway through the paragraph. This lack of consistency is not a little annoying, but it looks a little sloppy and careless.
And here:
The entire last part ("and Kyle... for him.") does not fit there. It would probably be better if you put that phrase after "New Jersey", closing with a sentence. Then the last sentence would be "They talked everything through."
Other than that - which is totally my OCD kicking in, nothing more - it was a well-written piece.
I agree with Mars. Wouldn't Rachel be a little reluctant to let him go? If you decide to give Sage siblings, it could go two ways:
i) Sage can be the middle or youngest, so Rachel isn't as reluctant to let him go, since she already went through the process with the older sibling.
ii) Like Mars suggested, Rachel could freak and plead for him to stay.
When I first read Sage, I thought of the plant, Clary Sage. Is that how he was named, or was it picked at random?
That could be something you could throw in.
Good luck! PM me if you need any help, have any other questions, or would like it to be critiqued!
- fragile_heart(!)
haha yes. i changed it to sage at the last minute before posting...
i dont even know what the story will end up to be. everything is in question, except the main character Sage, the heartbreak of his dad's death, and his best friend Kyle. and i think im keeping the long distance relation between them. im really unsure because as i write, it will always change because Sage and the hardships of his life will be based on my friend's. so things will change
i want to write but im unsure of where to take it right now. so i posted this up as a rough outline. but thank you very much Mars! More reviews would be greatly appreciated
Hey aloha! So Sonny is...Sage, right? Might be a good idea to choose one or the other, otherwise it's a bit confusing; I thought we had three main characters at first.
The issue I have with this synopsis is that I can't tell if it's finished or not. I mean obviously it isn't as you haven't written (or at least posted) it yet but I mean, will your story end with Sonny moving to NY? Or is this only half, and the other half is him trying to make it there? Either way is okay - obviously, as it's your story - but it's not clear from this.
Also it seems a little odd that Rachel, having just lost her husband, would let her only (?) son run off into the big city. I feel like she would be more desperate to clamp down on the only family she has left, you know? Because she's already lost her husband, she wouldn't just let her son go. Maybe that could be a conflict, or she would go with him, or something. Again, it's your story, your character, but that's my take on it.
Otherwise, good stuff, you've obviously thought it through and I'm sure you'll work out the kinks as you're writing. PM me if you need a critique!
-Mars