Published June 20, 2009
Everyone knows the saying "It feels so right when it's wrong." But what about "It feels so wrong when it's right?"
Maryanne and I were on summer break in Greece. She chose Greece for our next vacation after watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
College seemed to still be taking a toll on our lives and our relationship. It's always frustrating to be away from that special person. Of course we called and text messaged each other as often as we could; at times it got down to one text message in the past three days. But more often than that, we wrote letters to each other. No matter how unorthodox it seemed these days you could always turn back to pencil and paper. Pencil, so when you made a mistake, you wouldn't have to cross words out.
Maryanne almost never made mistakes in her letters to me. She was perfect; the most unique female human being to ever grace my life. A total goddess. I could never ever describe her to you and do her justice, but I'll try.
Her eyes are crystal green. A tad light mint green, but more baby leaf green, crystallized. Exotic, light golden skin that deepens to the lightest brown in the natural summer sun. Dusty brown freckles are sprinkled across her back, arms, the tops of her cheeks, and around her eyes and nose. Her eyelashes are long but not thick, elegant and they roll up straight with a slight curl at the tops. Long, sexy medium brown locks flow to her full breasts. Stray dirty blonde usually streaks her hair after a sunbathe.
It was hard to believe how she stayed faithful to me, but my heart knew that she was. My usual doubts crept back to me every time we were separated; separate schools take a toll on the heart! But it was so unfair to think that of her. We both wanted each other, so I had to stop doubting her no matter how often I did. She was mine and I shouldn't have to keep reminding myself.
We checked into our grand resort, which was absolutely delightful. The gorgeous blue waters contained a full hue. I stared in awe as the ancient waters of Greece splashed and rolled around Maryanne.
Maryanne was a freak in her own way but a free spirit. After the frivolous dip in the Mediterranean waters, Maryann and I decided to chill in our room and unpack. She went through her purse and popped a ruby red, cherry flavored lozange in her mouth. I knew her throat wasn't scratchy; she just wanted to have one. I picked up the tab and turned it over to read the back.
"Won't your throat sort of be in pain?"
"No" she answered.
Hmph. They were numbing lozenges. Ok then. Did people actually make the sound? 'Hmph'?
Describing our room would be a failure for me. I usually never went on vacation with my family prior to college. we've been to Hawaii once when I was 15, and a shark bit at my abdomen and left a mark when i was surfing. Florida we've been to twice: after graduating 8th and 12th grade. Seems like a huge stetch of R&R for me. Of course i'm always wanting to go on vacation. I find the daily stress of life to too exhausting. At most I had my babe, Maryann. that was all that mattered. That she was here with me and that she wanted to be with me and no one else.
Now we were on vacation together and i figured I couldn't get any luckier. Maybe I'd be wrong...
Cheyloha, our resort, was graced with authentic island palm trees and sandy concerte walkways. We checked in a round 10:30 after eating breakfast at a local coffee shop. I forget what it was called but we'd have to go back. It was way too peaceful.
With key cards in hand, we paced up the staircase instead of using the elevator to find our room. Maryanne brushed past a tan young maid who greeted her.
"Ciao!"
We found it. Room 910. I grimaced slightly at the sight of the number. September 10th is when the shark bit me in Hawaii. I knew exactly what type it was; thresher. I've always been interested in the ocean and its creatures of the deep and shallow shoals of island to moderate waters. But especially sharks. the mythological man-eating machines. Something drew me towards them. Perhaps it was their tough charisma, their fierce strength, abilities, and living habits, or maybe it was their rank at the top of the food chain that always kept me at unease.
I let the coolness of the memory sweep through me, and I opened the door.
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141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Thanks everyone. I'll put more thought into editing if I decide to keep working on this.
Any more reviews? That would be helpful.
Not a bad start. I have a fairly good sense of who Maryanne is, her relationship with the narrator, and the setting/context. I agree with Blinky, though, that you're not as clear about the narrator's character; he almost seems to exist for the sole purpose of discussing his girlfriend. Even though that and the trip are the foci of this story, it might be nice to hear a /little/ bit about his life at school, who he had to say goodbye to, what preparations he needed to make, etc so we know he has more substance to his life than her. I also agree with Blinky that a little more tension would be nice. You don't need anything super-dramatic, just a tidbit to keep us interested. Maybe have them lose the room key, or get slightly lost on the way back?
In terms of prose, I think you've done a good job. There are a few spots where it felt awkward or unclear to me, though...
I think you could do with a little more elaboration here. Perhaps explain how the rocky coasts and crystal waters inspired her, or the character's adventures struck her fancy? And maybe explain a bit more about the trip, like "It was going to be our first time together in (x), so we wanted to make it really special" or something of that idea. You don't need much, but something to smooth out the transition to the next paragraph would be nice, as it feels a bit abrupt (to me, at least.)
- I'd just say texted. If you're writing for a teenaged audience, they'll definitely know what you mean and it's a lot shorter.
- got up to. "got down to" makes it sound like you're trying to cut back on texting.
- I think you want 'that' instead of 'how'. Or perhaps rewrite it as "I couldn't imagine how she stayed faithful to me..."
This just doesn't make sense to me. If you have to stop doubting her, doesn't the amount of times you do doubt her matter? Maybe add "before" at the end for clarification
I'd add something like "then ran down to the beach" after the end of this sentence. You go straight from the resort to the water and it's a little confusing.
I'd suggest eliminating "prior to college". It seems to suggest that the narrator went on vacations with his family a lot once college started, which wouldn't make too much sense because from the sound of it, he's a freshman.
/What/ seems like a huge stretch of R&R? In context, it sounds like it could easily be any of the vacations you've discussed. I'm assuming it's this one in greece though... you should add something at the beginning of this sentence to clarify that.
[quote} Of course i'm always wanting to go on vacation.[/quote]
I always /want/ sounds less awkward.
This feels like another abrupt transition. The narrator's talking about how he finds daily life too exhausting, so it seems like he's exhausted now and the comment about Maryanne** is his attempt to look on the bright side. Maybe say something about how he's happy to get away from it all, but what was better than that was that he had Maryanne with him on his escape.
I'd add "on the way up" or something along those lines to the beginning of this sentence to help the flow.
The second half of this sentence ('shallow shoals...') feels rather awkward. I'd suggest ending the sentence at creatures of the deep, and then maybe starting a new one if you feel you need to say more. Maybe something like "Everything about it, from the shallow shoals of island to the more moderate waters, intrigued me"?
I know I'm being rather nitpicky, but I hope it's helpful nitpicking =) If I was unclear about anything, please let me know. Good luck and happy writing!
Hello. Blinkster here.
They are the same thing. I don't think this fits, really, because no emotion is checked in me and this doesn't contribute much as to leaving me with anything, or providing that hook. Seems as if you were just looking for a quote and this is the best you could find.
I won't do grammar errors, 'cus I think they've been covered.
Nothing happened. That's my biggest concern over this piece. I believe that every chapter in a novel has to have standalone qualities, otherwise there's no point its being a chapter or introduction or whatever. If you're goanna write all of this just to say, "I checked into the hotel," then I'm putting this book down right now.
The character development was an upside here. I felt I was getting to know these two people, and I especially liked how Maryanne just answered, "No." It reflects her character very well. The main character, on the other hand, I'm having doubts about. I don't even know the gender, let alone a name. It keeps us in the dark in an irritating way - I'll guess it's a boy. This boy is boring. He is unrealistic. Shock us with him, and then, we’ll read on.
Not every story needs orcs having their heads cut off to draw us in, but there needs to be a bit of conflict. It can be internal conflict, too - you're only describing to us a kind of perfect, stress-free world, made worse by this line:
You're basically saying, "These flawless characters are going to even happier!" which bores me to DEATH. We need a sense of instability, fear, even, in these characters, at least in the main one. Otherwise we won't care about them, and they'll just be pedestrians with no impact on our lives. Give us reason as to why we would want to spend a novel with them.
Your writing style isn’t bad at all; I actually rather like the simplicity and yet the flow that you’ve somehow managed to bring. It works well, but be adventurous in what the writing says.
I hope I've helped! PM me with any questions or thoughts or whatever.
Best
Blinky
There should be a comma after saying.
Titles of books should be in italics.
The semicolon should be a comma.
Ever isn't needed.
A comma should be after elegant.
We've should be capitalized.
Stetch should be stretch.
I'm should be capitalized.
To isn't needed.
That should be capitalized.
That she was here with me and that she wanted to be with me and no one else.
I should be capitalized.
Concerte should be concrete.
The first period should be a comma.
I know this is just an introduction, but even an introduction should make you want to read on. Nothing really happened in this part. There is no reason to read more.
There were minor mistakes that could had been corrected if you had read through the story again before you submitted it. The spelling mistakes were probably just typos.
The story is good, but it could be better.