Young Writers Society

Black Wind wrote:I read the second poem you wrote and I can say, that you don't belong to average people.

The only real problem I see with your poem is the rhyme scheme. Stick to a strict pattern when rhyming, or don't rhyme at all.
I don't see anything too similar to Twilight; I actually enjoyed this poem.
Keep up the good work.
-Macs

awesome poem, i loved the colour description, and especially the ending. very effective. however if your lines run into each other, you need to make sure you dont forget to put commas.

also, the second and third stanza being two seperate small stanzas, was very effective, but risky, as you could easily ruin the flow of the poem as a whole. but i think you managed to pull it off.

i feel that the poem could be improved by changing it so that all of the lines rhyme, or none at all, because one minute they rhyme, the next they half-rhyme, then they dont, so its a little bit jumbled.

also i like the way its like a story at the same time. im asking questions like "who is she, what does she want" etc which is really good.

the fifth stanza was very powerful and builds a clear picture in my head, and i can imagine very well what your writing, which deserves a thumbs up xD.

well done!

peanutgallery007 wrote:Erm... it looks almost like you based this off of Twilight. Try making it a tiny bit more original, dear. Originality is always key.

Hello, I'm Ryan. Nice little poem, it's interesting!

I don't think the title fits for this, I don't know. It's kind of hypocritical, I suck at titles. o.O

Your description was lively, making the imagery really great. I love that a lot.

alohajuice wrote:Savage green fields
Wild herbs, musky pine
Yellow daisies and forest thyme
Farm pastures with the sweet apple trees
Supple green leaves and bloodred (spelling) fruit
Pick the ripest ones but plant the seeds
Near the foundation of the gentlest stream
(I think you should make each line rhyme, not just some of them. Also, remember to use commas where they are needed)

I only look at her and think of nothing
My memory of you is on hold
the yellow sun hides
the wind turns cold
(I'd merge this stanza with the next one to help make flow better)

I take an easy walk towards her
As I look at your bracelet on my wrist
How has it come to this?

I stop then when i see her (capitalize I)
Orange brown hair (I'd put a hypen between orange and brown)
Snow white skin, scarlet lips
Burgundy daydress (spelling?), (enter down to a new line)with green stitch above the breasts
Her right hand is toward me
I walk closer but hesitate
Taken aback by her clear lime green eyes (commas needed here!)

What does she want?
Serene, but not so innocent
No bloodlust, but unknown desires
why is she in this daydream of mine?
One last sun ray cuts to her brilliant green eye
thunder clouds roll in
the sky turns dark
My breath comes back to me, it quickens
"I know what you are"

Erm... it looks almost like you based this off of Twilight. Try making it a tiny bit more original, dear. Originality is always key.

So! I liked this poem, but it looked like it had a lack of consistency and structure. You only rhymed a couple of times, not even in every stanza. The lines seemed to... go from a nice length to either too short or a little too long. It's nice to have variation in poetry, just make sure it sounds natural and fluent, still fitting the scheme of things. This did not happen.

I didn't find any nit- picks, so I think that's all! Keep working on it

~April

I read the second poem you wrote and I can say, that you don't belong to average people. I like, how you share feelings of lyrical character with images of nature. You describe nature very well. Images are bright.
It is one of good works.