The Path - Chapter One

The trees were charcoaled bones against the gray sky. Arms contorted, bent at awkward angles, fingers protruding out into space, cutting into the sky, forever frozen. Anna’s clan had entered a dead zone. The trees here would never grow, they would never be more than skeletons scarring the landscape. In spring there would be no crimson birds, no bright green grass, no powder pink flower buds, just shades of gray. Anna had been through many of these before and knew to tread lightly. Evil things lay beneath the dry dirt, things that would make a meal of Anna and her family if it discovered them.

Anna was seventeen years old, making her the youngest in her clan. When she was a girl some of the older boys used to pick on her, making fun of her white blonde hair and pale skin. They used to call her a ghost, which was, in truth, what she looked like. She had a thin, wispy figure, and when her hair blew in the wind she shimmered and seemed almost like a mirage.

Although all her life she had wished for the tan skin and dark hair that the rest of her clan shared, she had to admit that her fair skin did have its advantages. Since the boys of the clan picked on her and the girls were so much older, Anna had become independent from a very young age. With no other children to play with she would often wander away from her clan to explore. Anna’s family always had a hard time of keeping track of her because she would all too often blend in to the whites, grays, and soft yellows of the world around her. Today, like so many other days Anna chose to use this to her advantage.

After finding a relatively safe spot on a sturdy hill, Anna’s clan set up camp. Tents were pitched, fires were started and preparations for dinner began. Dinner was always cooked in late afternoon, since it was forbidden to be outside of the camp after dark. Anna had heard tales, horror stories, of people being eaten up or taken away in the night, young children who wander too far from their mothers never being seen again. Although she had never seen any of the beasts that stalked the earth at night Anna knew they were more than just fairy tales. Sometimes, in the darkest part of the night she could hear claws scratching against the dry ground outside camp. Tonight, however, was a clear summer’s evening and the sun wouldn’t set for many hours yet. When her clan had gotten settled, Anna decided it was safe to sneak off and explore.

Taking only her canteen of water and a knife she walked silently away from the familiar voices of her family and out into the silence of the world around her. For many miles all Anna could see was pale dusty ground with a few blackened trees scattered randomly. As she squinted into the horizon she saw a slight darkness to the east. “A forest!”, she thought, and began to travel in that direction. Forests were very uncommon these days, especially in such close proximity to a dead zone, which only made Anna more curious about it.

It took her about two hours to reach the forest’s edge, and when she got there she knew at once the trip had been worth it. She had only ever been through a forest like this one once. Anna had to crane her neck all the way back to see the tops of the giant trees that stood before her. She could feel life buzzing all around her, and she was sure she could hear a stream in the distance. Suddenly realizing that she was quite thirsty, and that her canteen was empty she followed the sound of the stream. Walking in the forest was much cooler than walking in the desert landscape around it, and a slight chill crawled up Anna’s spine. She walked slowly through the forest, fascinated with the life around her. So much in the world had died and finding a forest like this was rare. Anna reached the stream and the clearest water she had ever seen ran over smooth stones. As she bent down to fill her canteen her stomach contorted in unease and she got the sudden feeling someone was watching her.

Quickly Anna’s hand flew to her hip where she kept her knife and she jumped up looking around wildly. Mosquitoes and flies zoomed through the trees and beetles crawled through the moss, but Anna could see no sign of life any larger than the insects. Slowly her heart stopped racing and she sheathed her knife. Still, the feeling of being watched had not left her.

Anna bent down once more to fill her canteen and fell backwards, uttering a slight scream at the face she saw reflected in the water across the stream from her. Crawling back, she once again moved to get her knife, but something about the woman who was crouched across the stream from her made Anna stop. She was tall and slender, with clear grace and power etched into her muscles. Her face was porcelain white and her hair was raven black, falling choppily below her chin. The woman stood slowly, keeping her green eyes on Anna at all times.

“Hello Anna, my name is Hayden.”

“H-how... who...” Anna couldn’t think straight, finding people outside your own clan was uncommon enough without them being oddly beautiful and knowing your name.

“Do not worry about how I knew your name, I promise, in time you will know. I’ve come to tell you that your purpose is much greater than wondering the land searching for fellow survivors, you are important to everyone and everything alive, Anna, and I have been sent with a message for you.”

Anna stared up at the strange woman, unable to move or speak.

“You must question everything. Learn what you can, because I can not tell you everything, I can only give you the tools, you must use them yourself. Question how the world came to be like this, question the past, and the future, question everything Anna.”

Hayden paused and looked at her with meaning. “We will be seeing each other again soon.”

With that she ran into the woods, much faster than any normal human could run, lithely avoiding tree branches and roots.

“But wait! I don’t understand...” Anna’s voice faded as the woman disappeared into the forest.

Anna didn’t wait to see if she would come back or if others would arrive, something told her it was time to go. She quickly filled up her canteen and walked out of the forest much faster than she had come in.

When Anna reached the forest edge she cursed. Directly in front of her she could see the sun begin its decent below the horizon. Anna guessed she had an hour before night would fall, and all the things that slept in the dark recesses of the earth began to crawl out of their dens to seek food.

Comments & reviews · 6
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

This was a great piece. I liked the description and the imagery, it seemed very professional. However, I must agree that the title isn't very fitting. I'm sure you aware alread though. I also noticed one part that should be fixed:
"on Anna at all times" I believe it should be "on Anna the whole time" since at all times is more like a direct quote when you say "keep your eyes on her at all times".

Other than that I think it's really nice^^ Keep up the good work.

-Shina ^^

User avatar
JordanEmert
Review

Hi my name is Jordan and I will be your critique.

The Story was very vivid and exciting. It painted a very clear picture in my mind and it had tons of detail. I deffinently did not expect the woman at all, I just thought the beasts were going to eat her.
But I don't want to ruin the story... The only negative thing I am going to say is your paragraphs are a bit too long, I got lost! Otherwise, I really liked your story... I can't wait to read more.

Great Job and Keep Writing!

I liked this. :D I agree that the paragraphs should be a wee bit smaller, but everything else looked good. You had just enough discriptive words to describe what was going on and it held my attention. I'm intrested to know what Anna's bigger purpose is. PM me when you write more. :lol:

User avatar
SeraphTree
Review

The only dealio I have with your piece is that the paragraphs are a little big. I suggest you make them a little smaller. :) Other than that, I agree with Jumper; very nice piece. :D

:smt051

*Seraph*

User avatar
M Dragon
Comment

Remember to critic and review:

User avatar
moon jumper
Review

Alright then, the critique.

1) The Story

First of all let me say that you have described everything very well. I couldn't find any grammatical errors of any sort, and I was looking.

Next, you've told us the background without making it a major info-dump. The whole story just glides along.

But the thing I want to talk about is the messenger. It's cliche. A beautiful women or man who knows the person's name has come to deliver a message and mysteriously leave right after, not answering any questions.

Now, to fix this, you could make the messenger normal-looking, or even lost and trying to find you. The messenger could even not know the MC's name or be doing this for the first time and sticks at it.

2) The Title

Yes, I know it's weird to talk about the title in a review, but it's direly important! If you have an interesting title, more people will look at it. If it's not interesting, nobody will look at it. I've done this many times, and I'm not the only one either!

You know that if I'm reading this that your title is good. Out of 1-10 I'd give it a 7.5. Which is awesome because I'm a harsh scaler.

3) Grammar

Like I said before, I couldn't find any blaring grammatical mistakes.

Well done! Please PM me when you put the next chapter up!

~jumper :smt026



grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
— Icon