We came here from coal mines, & railroad tracks. We survived house fires, & war-ripped brothers, & locust-years, & fathers leaving before their sons are grown. Maybe because we believed we would be different. But I am from where my father is from & where my mother is from, this land is written on the grooves of my bones, & I've already taught my children every verse of our family song before they know our name. I've been whispering map-keys into their ears before they've even been born. We're all the same here. We're all carrying field-rocks in our pockets, coal-dust in our shoe-treads, with centuries-worn hymns-humming at our lips. We're all telling each other Summer's around the next corner. We're all trying to leave, just as desperately as we're tracing the lines in our palms to remember our way back. We're all gritting river sand between our teeth & over-promising our see you soons. We're all carrying this same overgrown tree of expectations on our shoulders, roots wrapping tight around hearts, & veins, & hopes, & dreams & know these promises stretching miles & miles under river-plains & mountain-valleys are the only thing keeping this land from receding into the sky; the only thing steady enough to make us stand. We are all the same, every one. & it shows in how we're always trying to come back home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello!
This passage is a poignant reflection on heritage, resilience, and the sense of belonging to a particular place. The author vividly describes their origins, tracing their lineage back to their parents and the land they come from. The language used evokes a strong connection to the earth and the hardships faced by previous generations.
The opening lines highlight the struggles endured by their ancestors, including working in coal mines, surviving house fires, and experiencing the effects of war. Despite these difficulties, there is a sense of determination and hope, as the author believes in the possibility of being different and forging their own path.
The theme of heritage and identity is emphasized throughout the passage. The author emphasizes the deep-rooted connection they have to their land, describing it as being "written on the grooves of my bones." This imagery implies a profound bond and a profound understanding of the place they come from.
The author also expresses the importance of passing down their heritage and traditions to their children. They have already taught their children the family song before they even know their own name, instilling a sense of identity and belonging from an early age.
The passage then shifts to a more collective perspective, suggesting that everyone in this community shares similar experiences and struggles. They are united by common threads, such as carrying field-rocks and coal-dust, and by the presence of worn hymns humming on their lips. The author highlights the shared anticipation of summer and the desire to leave, juxtaposed with the longing to remember and return.
The final lines beautifully capture the weight of expectations, symbolized by the overgrown tree, and the importance of promises in anchoring this community to the land. The promises made by individuals stretch across the landscape, metaphorically keeping the land from fading away into the sky. It is these promises and the collective determination that give the people the strength to stand firm.
Overall, this passage effectively portrays a deep connection to land, heritage, and the struggles faced by previous generations. It conveys a sense of resilience, unity, and the power of promises to shape the community and maintain their ties to the land. The language used is evocative, creating vivid images and engaging the reader's emotions.
Approved by the Corn Dog Enthusiasts Association (CDEA)
Hey there! Here's my review!
Strong imagery: The poem uses vivid and powerful imagery to convey the hardships and experiences of the speaker's community. The coal mines, railroad tracks, and locust-years are all tangible and relatable examples that help the reader understand the struggles faced by the people from this place.
Universal themes: Although the poem is about a specific place and community, it touches on universal themes of family, identity, and the struggle to find one's place in the world. This makes the poem relatable to a wider audience, even if they are not familiar with the specific location being described.
Emotional impact: The poem is written in a way that evokes strong emotions in the reader. The lines about teaching the family song to the speaker's children and tracing the lines in their palms to remember their way back are particularly poignant and touching.
Cohesive structure: The poem is structured in a way that makes it easy to follow and understand. The repetition of the phrase "We're all" creates a sense of unity and commonality among the people being described, and the final line brings the poem full circle by emphasizing the idea of coming back home.
Overall, the poem is well-crafted and effectively communicates its message.
Firstly, consider breaking the poem into stanzas to create a clearer structure and make it easier to read.
Use more descriptive language to paint a more vivid picture of the setting and emotions, making the imagery even stronger.
Use stronger verbs and avoid passive voice to add more action and movement to the poem.
Think about adding more sensory details to engage the reader's senses and make the poem more immersive.
That's it!
- HB
Alliyah! I loved the version you posted for NaPo, but since you have this posted here I'll nit-pick. As always, take with however many grains of salt you need ^^
First, format: this feels really heavy, both visually and word-wise. If that's what you were going for, then you're dead on. I think I'm comparing this in my head to the other poems that were in a similar vein, and that's part of it, too.
With the heaviness, there's also the very chopped sentences and phrases, and a couple inconsistencies/consistencies I'm not positive work, and you may want to take another look at:
First few phrases (and then continuing) - your use of "and" vs an ampersand. I keep going back and forth about "we're all" as a refrain - part of me loves it and part of me wants it gone other than the last line and part of me really likes the repetition of it.
That aside, daaaang. I love "this land is written on the grooves of my bones," - actually, most of that middle section I love, from "But I am from" down to "centuries-worn hymns" is just - yes.
I'm guessing the "summer" reference is something I don't understand as viscerally as someone who has only seen (real, actual) snow like twice ever, but the lines following really hit home.
Why "tree of expectations" specifically? I would think "web," with the connotations of being caught, but that also may be too cliche/not work in a way I am missing (like, sandy beaches in my neck of the woods? Not how beaches really work this far north, generally).
I always enjoy reading your poetry, so it's fun to be able to sink my teeth in a bit more than what we usually do with NaPo or pads